The year is up!

It’s been a while since I posted anything on this blog. I don’t have any excuses except to say that real life sometimes takes center stage, and other things get shelved. I’m hoping to continue updating this site much more frequently in the next little while. If anything, I want to write about my experiences since last March.

Last year, I started this blog as a sort of personal challenge. The idea was that I would give myself one year to find romance. Well, obviously my year is up – it actually ended this September.

Looking back now, I realize that the whole concept was a little short-sighted and naïve. In the past year, I’ve had more disappointments than success - to say the least. I learned a lot about myself, my abilities, and my limitations. All things considered, the experience was good, although I’d hardly consider it successful.

While I’d like to stay positive and concentrate on my success, the failure, embarrassment and humiliation I’ve experienced weighs heavily. Now, the old Dan would have let that shut him down and I would have sulked for days on end, however, I’ve learned to handle rejection in a more mature way – a more productive way. Yes, things didn’t exactly turn out as I hoped they would – but what I’ve learned from the whole experience is priceless.

On the positive side, I’ve had a decent amount of success with the dating sites. Of course, this also requires a lot of time to prepare profiles, contact people, and respond to emails.

One thing I’ve discovered is that there are a lot of dating sites out there. The majority are very new and most likely run by one person (regardless of how they might promote themselves). Ah…but that’s a separate post altogether.


So what’s the bottom line? Well, the year has come and gone, and I’m still single and actively looking. I suppose I should change the sub-title of this blog to reflect that.

I want to also mention that I’ve managed to shed that excess weight I was carrying around. I’m now down to my proper body mass index. I’ve even had people comment that I look thin. Well, maybe I am if you compare me to a year ago. This weight loss is probably going to prolong my life and, if anything, I’m grateful for that.

What’s the most important thing I’ve learned?

I learned how tough, resilient, and resourceful I can be - and I‘ve learned that I’m capable of doing much more with my life. There is no way I’d have figured this out without going through the trials and tribulations of the past year.

What’s my next move?

I simply plan to appreciate my successes and learn from my mistakes. I intend to keep putting forth the effort while improving the many areas of my life.

Eventually, things will click – I’m sure of that.

The online dating site profile

My dating site campaign is still going strong. I decided to delete my old profile from all of the free sites and re-tool. My new profile (which took me a long time to create) seems to be getting a lot more attention. One major difference is that I am now concentrating on one service only. This site is one of the major players in the online dating world, and it does, in fact, make a huge difference in the quantity and quality of responses I am getting.

One of the biggest discoveries I made is that, even though guys are paying $25/month, they don’t bother to include a detailed profile and a picture. Without a picture, you better have a very compelling description of yourself. Without a well written profile or picture – well, there is no chance at all. It makes sense: why would anyone bother with such a half-assed attempt?

The secret is that it really doesn’t take much to make an average guy shine in a situation like this. Spend a little more time, be creative, proof-read, be detailed, and include a picture. There you have it: you’re already light years ahead of the competition. It’s amazing more people don’t get this simple point and make their profile work for them.

I now have 10 times the number of responses using only that single site. At one point, I was an active member at more than 15 sites - and getting nothing but spam and crank replies. I used to think that it was me personally, but now I’m realizing that the profile will make or break things for you.

My dating site profile is very detailed. It includes a lot of relevant information, written in a catchy, edgy style. It is about 250 words in total, but it’s not a boring read. I wrote and revised for many hours to come up with the final product.

As far as the photo goes, I had to be careful. I’m not what most would describe as a good-looking guy, so I had to choose my photo wisely. I decided that I would leave an air of mystery in a tasteful way without seeming evasive. The lighting and distance in this picture is perfect and achieves that goal perfectly. I have given up on submitting frontal, full-frame, well lit, head shots that show every last imperfection. They are not very flattering, and I have received a lot of negative criticism on other dating sites.

In a way I feel as though I’ve discovered a big secret that no one else knows about.

My ideal woman is married :(

Well, I decided to bite the bullet and sign up for a membership on one of the big three dating sites. It’s a little pricey, but I’m going in with the, “you get what you pay for” attitude. I’ve only been playing around with it for a few hours, but I must say that it seems a lot more robust, not to mention, more active than some of the other sites I’ve been on. I’ll check it out for a month and see what happens.

On the other front, the night class is coming along well. I have talked with all the older students at least once in the past 2 weeks. The younger people seem to have their own agenda, and that’s perfectly fine; I remember being young and indifferent myself, at one time.

The older group is pretty much separate from the 20 year olds, and that’s understandable. After all, we would have nothing in common anyway. As a group of 6, we all get along pretty well. We go for coffee some nights, and to tell you the truth, the company is enjoyable. It’s been a long time since I’ve been a part of any social circle at all.

All four women are quite friendly and personable. However, there is one that is head and shoulders above the rest as far as personality is concerned. I don’t know what it is, but she’s the kind of person that you want to hang out with. I can’t quite figure out why I’m so attracted to this woman.

The reality is that she is a free spirit. That’s her personality, and that’s the way she treats everyone. Still, I’m sure that she has had her fair share of proposals over the years. In fact, I might have had other intentions myself, except for the fact that she is happily married - and that is territory that I would never venture into. The world is still full of eligible women with great personalities. I just have to find one.

Free dating sites

Free online dating services are pretty much the norm these days as competition heats up among hosts. The best online dating services may, however, still be the paid membership sites. Although there are exceptions, most free services tend to be small operations trying to get into the market. The databases for these smaller dating sites tend to be sparse.

Now, as I said, not all free services are created equally. Most, so called “free” sites, are free with limitations. In fact, to actually contact someone you end up paying anyway – so why not use one of the big paid membership dating sites?

Having said that, there is one site in particular that has just as much traffic as many of the large pay sites and is, amazingly, totally free for a full membership– no strings attached. I always keep my profile on there because of the sheer number of members and the fact that new people are joining every hour.

I will probably give a paid dating site a try for the following reasons:

• The members are likely to be a little more serious about finding someone. After all, they are putting up their hard earned money to become a member.

• Many people that would never post their profile on a free dating site might choose a paid service for an increased sense of security. The fact that each and every member is held accountable for their actions (they have your credit card number) could be the deciding factor between someone signing up, or not.

• Spam and other nonsense will be non-existent. It’s too easy for spammers to join a free service – why pay?

• I am going to spend considerable time creating my new profile and I want to make sure it gets some quality exposure.

The top services charge between 20-30 dollars a month. I’ll probably get my profile ready and join one of them in a few days. There is no commitment, so if things don’t work out, I’ll be out a month’s subscription – not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Seeking datable women - I wish I were 20 again

The class is going well. If anything, I’m learning a lot of useful information that’s going to help me in my career. I’m also impressed by the quality of teaching. Our instructor certainly knows her stuff. She has a ton of real-world experience I’m told. Not only that, but she’s not a bad looker – unfortunately, she’s not only out of my league, but she’s married with 2 kids, a dog, 2 cats, and a bird. Can you say, “Spoken for?”

There are 22 people in this class – many of whom are younger than me. However, there are a handful (maybe 5) that are older and obviously there for some kind of professional skills development or continuing education – 4 women and one guy. He is around my age, married for 10 years, 3 kids, and is the only one I have talked to yet.

Of the four women, I have concluded that 2 are definitely married, one is very, very shy and quiet (but good looking), and the other is naturally pretty with a bubbly personality. There are quite a few single, younger women; however I doubt that they would give me the time of day, if only because of my age. Besides, hitting on younger women would just make me look creepy, and I really don’t need that.

One reality that I’ve had to deal with is the fact that there are not many single women in my age group. Most are married, or have been married, and have children. Now, I don’t mind kids, however, that is just another requirement that a guy like me would have to have (would he be a good father to my children?).

I envy the young guys in their twenties. Practically all the women in their age group are single. I really wasted the prime years of my life – oh well.

In any case, I’m just going to play things cool and see what happens. I wasn’t expecting to be overwhelmed with datable women of my own age anyway. I look at it this way: If I’m not out there, then fate will never have a chance to work its magic. I’m sure there are many people in this world that miss great opportunities because they are not at the right place at the right time.

It’s a numbers game, and I’m simply trying to increase my odds.

Online dating - is there still a chance?

My profile still sits on at least 10 online dating sites. Of those, my picture is on at least three, so I logged into a couple last night and started deleting. I was a little melancholy at the fact that all that effort was wasted. In a way, I was half expecting to see some responses, but there was nothing there but spam – 3 months worth.

I suppose what really hurt was the fact that I didn’t hear anything from the woman that gave me the brush-off last month after I drove almost 2 hours to meet her. I thought she might have, at least, given me an excuse; as feeble as that would have been. Yes, people can be cruel.

Oh well, life goes on.

As I was deleting the profiles, I realized that they were not very good at all. Not only were there no pictures, but the bios seemed very rushed and brief, the grammar was bad, there were spelling mistakes, and the lack of style made them painful to read. I compared mine to those from other members, and they didn’t measure up well at all. Some people really put a lot of work into creating a readable and interesting profile. Mine sounded like a lonely hearts ad from the sixties.

I couldn’t remember them being so bad, but I was, after all, conducting a social experiment of sorts. Deep down, I think I expected to get a poor response; therefore I didn’t waste much time slapping them together. It’s funny that I didn’t notice how poor they were at the time.

As I was deleting this trash I had posted, I noticed a very well written ad from a male looking for a female. You could tell that this guy spent a lot of time crafting a very compelling profile. It was well-written, and every question had been filled out in detail. This guy’s dating profile read fluidly from start to finish, and even though it was detailed, it was interesting. What woman would not have been compelled to write to this person?

To top it all off, the photo he submitted didn’t really give you a good look at him. It was partially silhouetted and taken from a distance, but it left an air of mystery in an artsy kind of way – very well done. The guy was obviously a genius. I could learn a lot from a dating site profile like that.

The most inspirational thing about reading his bio was that I could easily put together something like that, given enough time. The profile picture was especially interesting since that was something I considered custom made for my situation. Dark shadows and silhouettes are kind to me. That way I’d have a picture on all of my profiles. I’ve always said that people need to accentuate their positives. The bright, two dimensional, frame-filling, pasty faced photo, that I had the nerve to post, was not flattering in the least. For one thing, it was way too close, and way too detailed.

Now, I know I’ve sworn off dating sites for the time being, but it occurred to me that maybe the lack of success was due to the lack of effort and not me personally.

If this is true, then I have a renewed sense of purpose. I may still be able to work with the online dating sites after all.

Taking a class

In an effort to get out of the house and do something (anything), I decided to take a class at the local college. It occurred to me that I don’t get out as much as I should. Getting rejected a few weeks ago has not made getting back on that horse any easier. However, I now realize that I’ve been getting on the wrong horse all the time.

No more high pressure dating situations for this guy. I have decided to simply try and mingle a little more and expand my circle of friends. With any luck, the dating thing should take care of itself.

The key here is to diffuse the situation. I’m getting carried away and obsessing about the fact that I can’t get a date. I need a time-out, so to speak.


The course I’m taking is web design - and I can honestly say that I’m going in with the most honorable intentions. As I mentioned in an earlier post, it would be kind of low to simply do this to meet women. It’s actually something I can use in my business, and in the worse possible case, I’ll walk away with something. I really needed to learn a little more about web design anyway.

The bottom line: It will still be interesting even if I don’t meet a single person.

My first class will be next Tuesday, and then every Tuesday and Thursday until April. I’m really looking forward to this. Actually, for me, anything internet related is interesting.

I don’t know what to expect and there might be a little anticipatory anxiety leading up to the first session, however, after that, things should settle down. I’m hoping that there is a good mix of people and that I fit in. Oh well, time will tell.

After torturing myself with the singles bars, it will be a refreshing change to simply meet real people for once without having that whole dating thing hanging over our heads.

For the first time in a long time, I feel optimistic.

Dating sites and bars are out - now what?

I’ve come to the conclusion that success is very unlikely if I continue to pursue women in the traditional matter. There is simply too much competition, and I’m ill-equipped to handle the initial hump.

It’s funny how guys seem to all follow the same method of operation when it comes to meeting women. While bars and dating sites require a lot less work and originality, the chance of failure is also great – at least for a guy like me. The problem is that I can never get by the “first impression” stage where everything hinges on attractiveness and creating that initial spark. If I could somehow fast forward past this, I would have a chance to use my other talents – conversation skills, humor, and so forth.

So, the problem is obvious: get out of that high competition situation. That would require a little more original thought, but at least I wouldn’t be following all those other guys like lemmings jumping off a cliff. Yes, originality is where it’s at.

Now, the first thing I need to do is try and decrease the size of that initial hump. In high competition venues such as clubs and dating sites, everything hinges on that first impression. I mean, you don’t even get a chance to open your mouth before a decision is made. We’re talking about a huge hump here – and one that is pretty much insurmountable by mere mortals.

Forget the bars, clubs, dating sites, and dating services – they don’t work for me because I cannot get past the physical looks requirement. If you are reading this and are one of those guys that do function well in competitive situations, then more power to you. For guys like me, however, those venues couldn’t be more wrong.

What’s the solution? I wish I knew. One thing I can say for sure: It’s an area I’ll be concentrating on from here on out. I’ve been there and done that as far as the dating sites and bars go. To me, it’s one big waste of time and I could be using those resources in other ways.

In a nut-shell, my plan will be centered around new activities and trying to meet as many people as possible. It’s funny; I think women would be more receptive to me if there were no presumptions. Without the whole dating, relationship thing getting in the way, the hump seems to be small, or even non-existent – and that’s exactly what I need: to allow others to see the real me.

Yes, I know there is a danger of going down the “friend” road, from which there is no return, but I’m willing to take my chances – it’s not like I’m doing any better now.

One more thing: I’m not going to be operating under false pretences. The plan is not to lure and trick women into being friends, only to pull the old switcheroo later on. In fact, I believe that would be a little low.

My plan is to simply try and meet more people and widen my circle of friends and contacts - at least this way I’ll have an opportunity to work my charm (kidding).

Let’s face it: There is way too much pressure with that whole dating, attractiveness, and relationship thing going on. Sometimes an average guy doesn’t stand a chance.

Dating is a numbers game

“Dating is a numbers game, and in order to have a better chance at meeting your ideal mate, you must get out there and create as many prospects as possible.”

This advice was given to me at a party a few years back by a complete stranger. I think he assumed that I wasn’t exactly what you would call a ladies man, and, in his drunken stupor, decided to share this tidbit of information with me.

I should mention that this guy seemed to be charmed as far as the ladies were concerned. He had a certain quality and confidence when it came to the opposite sex, and everyone noticed it. Even as drunk as he was, I could still sense that several women were flirting with him as we chatted.

In most other circumstances, he would not have bothered to talk to me. We were in different leagues, and I could not even begin to imagine the world that he lived in. He seemed to have that magical, elusive magnetism that naturally attracted people. They just wanted to be close and hang out with him – girls and guys.

Some of the best advice I had ever been given was being willingly shared by this stranger at that party. But, for whatever reason, I decided not to follow it. That was a mistake. What better source of information could I have hoped for? He was living the life I dreamed of – walking the walk, so to speak. Unfortunately, after that night, I never got the chance to continue our talk – different worlds – different leagues. In fact, I doubt that he even remembered a word he said, or who he talked with that night. I felt privileged.

Anyway, amongst other things, he was a firm believer in playing the odds. His theory (nothing really earth-shattering) was that it takes a whole lot of dating and introductions to find someone with whom you are compatible. Well, the truth be told, his castoffs would have been my dream girls – I kid you not. However, the theory, in principle, was a good one.

Plant a whole lot of seeds, and some are sure to sprout and thrive – it’s simple statistics. In his case, he would have chatted up dozens of women to finally settle on one that he would consider dating. In my case, it would be more like attempting to chat up several women and finally having one chat back. But hey, it’s the same in principle.

It was silly of me not to heed his advice. I mean, how many times would I ever get to talk to a guy like this?

I don’t know what made me think about it after all these years, but the theory is sound and makes sense. In fact, I’ll keep it in mind as I decide on my next move.