Dating and self-esteem issues

Last year, I started my dating challenge half cocked. I was setting myself up to fail and didn’t even realize it. Basically, I just threw myself out there, did what I thought was right, and expected results. Looking back at that now, I have to laugh. I mean, I had so many things going against me that it’s a wonder I was able to arrange the few dates I did.

Of course, I struck out on each of those three encounters. It’s one thing to set up a date, but an entirely different thing to make it work. I suppose nervousness had a lot to do with it.

Yes, being nervous will kill a date faster than anything. If you think that the other person doesn’t notice, then you are really kidding yourself. Of course my dates could see that I was nervous, but I felt powerless the stop it.

Why is there such a stigma put on this anyway? What’s wrong with being nervous on a first date? Well, apparently, a lot. The women I have dated seem to regard nervousness as a horrible character flaw.

However, looking at the big picture: If nervousness, lack of self-esteem, and lack of confidence are such horrible character flaws, then where does that leave the average guy? You can’t tell me that most guys would not show some nervousness on a first date. We all can’t be that confident. We all can’t live up to some pre-conceived notion of how a man should always appear calm, confident and in complete control.

Is there any help for the nervous guys of this world?

Of course there is, however, the answer is not found in the dating world. As I found out, my problem with confidence had nothing to do with my dating problems - actually, dating just added fuel to the fire.

No, my real problem ran a little deeper than that. Until I worked on my self-esteem issues, I’d be setting myself up for a lifetime of failure and stress in the dating world.

Dating, socializing, friendship - What are your expectations?

What are your expectations when it comes to socializing and dating?

That’s a question that I’ve been asking myself lately. For as long as I can remember, I’ve sat on the sidelines while the rest of society seemingly carried on flirting, socializing, dating – basically, enjoying life. Yes, I know, I viewed the rest of the world in a somewhat skewed manner.

Now, I’m not naïve enough to believe that everyone else lived their lives as though they were in a beer commercial; but still, I did feel cheated, put down, and robbed of that social connection everyone else seemed to enjoy. It was as if they belonged to an exclusive club that would never consider granting me membership.

Ok, now obviously, that way of thinking is wrong. Sure, there might be a few social circles that I’ll never have a chance with, but those are few and far between. The reality is that I have the capability to connect with people and have a healthy social life. I am capable of expanding my circle of friends.

Where do I need to start? Well, the biggest mistake I am making is that I have unrealistic expectations of how society functions. I’m not talking about dating exclusively, but socializing in general.

For example: I am not a handsome guy, yet I put myself down when women totally ignore me. I expect that they should pay attention to me, flirt, and treat me with kindness. When that doesn’t happen, I feel depressed, resentful, and hurt.

Obviously, I’m missing something here. My expectations are out of whack.

I expect people to be kind towards me.

I expect people to start conversations with me.

I expect to have a large group of friends.

I expect people to make the first move when striking up a conversation.

I expect women to flirt with me.

I expect women to be attracted to me.

I expect others to make first contact.

I expect to be invited to functions.

I expect to be included.

In the past year, I’ve had a major reality check. One thing I have been working on is my expectations. Now, I could have simply lowered my expectations and accepted the fact that society would pretty much ignore me. Low expectations, low results, and everything balances. Or, I could have made an effort to improve my situation, work hard, and earn that which I expected from people.

The keyword here is earned.

Feeble effort equals feeble results.