Rejection is a part of life

Things didn’t go well last Saturday; however, I refuse to let a single bad experience spoil my plans. It takes all kinds to make the world go round, and the fact that I happened to get snubbed on my first real attempt at dating in years, is just a horrible coincidence. At least I hope that it’s that simple. On the other hand, what if I’m just so unattractive that I am unable to create desire in anyone? Where does that leave me in the grand scheme of things?

As I mentioned before; I hate rejection. What took place last Saturday afternoon wasn’t really the worst kind of rejection, however. Even if she did do a drive-by and decided not to take the time to get to know me, at least I know that I was rejected for my looks alone. Some of you may say that that’s the worst kind of rejection, but I beg to differ.

Being rejected based on looks alone, is actually much less painful than being rejected after actually meeting and getting to know someone. In that instance, you know that the rejection runs deeper than looks alone; you are being rejected because of who you are.

She may have taken a look at me and rejected me instantly, but that was the only reason. She did not reject me for my personality, so in a way, that’s less painful. There are many unattractive guys with great personalities.

I am not attractive by any means, but I do mange to shine in other areas. I’m a good conversationalist, and I have a pretty broad knowledge in many subjects. Given the chance, I usually fair pretty well as far as keeping the conversation lively.

But let’s face it: looks will always matter. If only there was some way to get by that initial first impression.

I got stood up

Last Saturday, I drove about an hour to meet a contact from one of the dating sites. That entire hour on the road was filled with nothing but obsessive and anxious thoughts. I considered turning back more than once because I felt that I was not ready for an actual encounter yet. I needed to work a little more on my appearance; in particular, my weight problem.

In all honesty, it’s really only an excuse to avoid the potential pain of rejection. There will always be something that isn’t quite right; some improvement that needs to be made. In other words, I can always find fault, and I can always talk myself out of meeting and dating women.

Driving up to the front of the coffee shop, I was a bundle of nerves. What would she think of me? I mean, what would she really think of me beyond the obligatory social niceties? I hoped that she would at least be honest and not put on a phony front just to get through the date. I hate social phoniness even more than being rejected. But I was getting carried away thinking of things that might, or might not, happen. I needed to focus and handle the situation as it unfolded.

I got out of the car and walked towards the front of the shop, mentally going through my list of conversation topics. There is nothing more uncomfortable than awkward silence on a first date.

Although I knew what she looked like from her photo on the dating site, she also mentioned that she would be wearing a blue plaid coat. I decided to meet her in front of the coffee house so that we could order together. I was a few minutes early so I sat outside and read a paper. Fortunately, it was unseasonably mild for this time of year.

I kept looking over the paper every few minutes so that I didn’t miss her. It was now 1:10pm and still no sign of anyone. Even though she was only 10 minutes late, I had a feeling that she might be a no-show. However, there was the very real possibility that she could be stuck in traffic.

Several cars had driven past me while I waited. The coffee place was part of an outdoor plaza, so the parking lot and front laneway were fairly busy. At one point, I could have sworn that I saw her drive by in a late model Jetta, but I couldn’t be sure.

After waiting another 45 minutes, I decided that this was just not going to happen. It was mild outside, but sitting on an outdoor patio for an hour in December is about all I could handle. She may have been caught in traffic or had a car breakdown, so the urge to stay a little longer was pretty strong. Imagine if she was stuck in traffic and finally arrived, only to find out that I had stood her up.

So, with that in mind, I went inside and ordered my second cup of coffee to stay. I managed to get a seat by the window and slowly sipped my drink – watching the front of the store.

With each passing minute, my mood deteriorated. At 3pm, my coffee was finished and so was I. The more I think about it, she was probably driving that Jetta after all. Doing a drive-by in a parking lot releases one from any sense of social responsibility. There is a certain detachment from the situation as one cruises by at 40km/hr. If she had parked and walked up to the shop, there would have been at least some obligation to acknowledge me and to possibly sit through an hour of boring conversation with someone who is so far out of her league, it’s laughable.

I spent most of the day on Sunday beating myself up and going over the whole situation in my head, analyzing every minute detail.

Contacting her is not an option. I want to keep a little self-respect. If she needs to get in touch, she has my email address.

Sigh…

Here I am - your overweight date

I am so nervous about my date that I can’t concentrate on anything. I might have only slept about 2 hours in total last night. The more I think about it, the more I feel like canceling. Not that I don’t want to meet her, it’s just that I’d feel so much better if she knew what I looked like. I have no idea what her expectations are going to be. I feel sick.

It’s down to the crunch now. I’m borrowing my Mom’s car and I’ll be leaving around 11am. So I’ve only got a few hours to put on the finishing touches. Actually, I’m pretty well committed because it’s too late to cancel now, and there is no way I’m going to stand her up – that would be low. I’d rather just suffer through whatever fate has in store for me.

The next time I write in this blog, I’ll be a changed man – one way or the other.

I have a date

It looks like I have a date for Saturday afternoon. Well, not so much a formal date, more like coffee. – But hey, it’s a start.

Yes, I heard back from my dating site contact. Her name is Beth. She sent me a message on Monday saying that she was surprised to hear from me after all this time. She didn’t seem pissed off at the fact that I abruptly stopped my correspondence. In fact, she said that she hoped everything was ok with me. The world needs more people like her.

We decided that we would meet halfway, in a small town about 40 km from my home. It’s only going to be a casual coffee and a bit of conversation; nothing major. Also, we are meeting in the afternoon which is good because I find that the “day date” is less stressful; I don’t know why. I’ll most likely have to borrow a car. I think that showing up on a bus would send out the “loser” vibe.

So, I’ve got two days to calm down and try to do everything humanly possible to make a good first impression. From a physical standpoint, there is not much more I can do to improve things unless I can lose 30 pounds overnight. I’m wearing contacts, I just got my hair cut, I have some good, casual clothes I can wear, and I’m 20 pounds lighter than I was 3 months ago.

I don’t know why I’ve got this hang-up about my appearance. Really, I’m not grotesque or anything, it’s just that I have this nagging feeling that I’m not good-looking enough to have anyone desire me. Yes, major self-esteem issues, I know.

I am torturing myself over the fact that I didn’t send her my picture. If I had done so, this would all be genuine – all the cards would be on the table, so to speak. As it stands right now, there is a big uncertainty hanging over my head. Since she doesn’t know what I look like, there is still the real possibility that she might reject me, flat out.

I could probably save a lot of time and hassle if I just send her a recent photo. I don’t look as bad as I did 3 months ago, but I still have a long way to go. If I do that then get a message back that she’s not feeling well and has to cancel, at least I’ll be saving a trip.

So, that’s the question. Do I want to get rejected online before the date, or would I prefer to get turned down in person? Hmmm…

A dating site romance - is it possible?

About 3 months ago, I posted several ads in some free dating sites. About half of those included my picture. The goal was to get a true feeling for where I ranked in the pecking order when it came to attracting women. Not one of the picture profiles drew a response, and those whom I contacted first were not interested. I think my photo was the determining factor.

Why would I put myself through such torture? Well, essentially, it was my own private social experiment, and I needed the real-world, no nonsense truth – as painful as it was.

While most of the responses were negative, I did manage to have a conversation with one person that lives about an hours drive from me. She initiated the first contact and said she liked my profile. Obviously, this was a site that did not include my picture. We conversed a few times and she sent me her photo. I didn’t know what to do after that, because I didn’t want to blow the whole thing by forwarding my pic to her. I covered up by saying that I wanted to get a more recent snapshot to send. I never bothered to message her back, and I didn’t return to the site.

Since that time, I abandoned that online dating site out of shame. Actually, it had been weeks since I checked my messages on any of the dating sites. I wanted nothing more to do with them because of the failure I experienced.

On Thursday evening, I signed-on to a few of the more popular sites just for curiosity’s sake. I wasn’t expecting any more responses or any activity at all, really. I don’t know why I even bothered.

I had no new messages on every profile except for the one I had vowed never to sign in to again. In all honestly, I had forgotten about the whole incident. My message box indicated that I had 3 messages – the last one dated more than a month ago - all three were from the same woman I snubbed. I was expecting them to be scathing and full of hate, but to my surprise, she seemed to be genuinely concerned that she hadn’t heard from me. I detected a little sadness in the last message, however.

On Thursday evening, I sent her a long apology and hoped that she would get it. Who knows, maybe she doesn’t even go to that service anymore. If she does receive it, I’m hoping that she forgets about the whole photo thing.

It’s Sunday morning and still no response. I’ll keep checking back over the weekend. You just never know. In all honesty, this is the closest I’ve come to chatting with a female that I might actually be able to ask out.

A new job - a new life

Most of my earned income is generated from contract work I do over the internet. While it’s great to be able to do my own thing, it can be a lonely way of life. I don’t interact with anyone except via e-mail. Needless to say, I’m not in contact with many people in the course of a day.

Getting out and meeting new people is going to have to be a priority. Sitting around the house, working or not, is not going to do anything to help my situation. I need to get as much social exposure as I can. You never know who you are going to meet around the next corner.

However, even if I did get out and get a real job, I’d still be confined to the male dominated world of software programmers. I doubt that this kind of work environment will be conducive to increasing my social exposure.

That’s why I’m considering a drastic, although temporary, career change.

As it stands right now, my bills are minimal. Yes, I know it’s only because I’m living at home, however, I do appreciate that, and the fact that it allows me the freedom to experiment a little.

Even though I get paid very well for what I do, my current income would not be enough to fully support me because I only work about 20 hours a week. Why only 20 hours? Well, to be honest, I have only managed to get that much work coming in. Maybe, deep down, that’s all I’m aiming for because I love my free time.

Lately, however, I have thought about getting a full-time job in something totally unrelated to software programming - a job where I can meet new people and hopefully make new friends. Besides, I’m a little tired of the work I’m doing at the moment – I need a change.

Mingling with people at work is a double edged sword. It’s easy and convenient to make friends this way, however, should things take a turn for the worse, I’d still be obligated to maintain a professional relationship. This can be quite difficult, depending upon the situation. On the other hand, co-workers can provide a means to meet new people and potential friends whom are not work related.

I thought I might try something in the retail or hospitality sector. I realize that these jobs can be low-paying, but I also think I would enjoy meeting new people and taking a break from my self-imposed isolation.

What job will I be applying for exactly? Well, I’m open to just about anything at the moment.