Meeting Women In Bars And Clubs Can Be Brutal For An Average Guy

I have to admit, I've had a fair amount of experience with bars and clubs in the past year or so. Unfortunately, most of that experience has been bad. And I don't say that to be funny, just telling it like it is for an average guy like myself. I'm sure there are many out there that function okay in this high pressure environment – sadly, I'm not one of them.

The thing is, I don't really care whether I'm successful or not in bars and clubs. There is much more opportunity out there to meet women in the real world. Yeah, I wouldn't consider a high pressure, noisy club to be the real world. Sure, there are loads of beautiful women strutting their stuff, but unless you're exceptional in some way, you haven't got a chance. I'm not just theorizing here – I speak from experience.

I often thought that maybe I didn't give it a fair chance. That's why I decided to concentrate strictly on bars and clubs for a few months. This was last year just before Christmas. I decided to really put forth my best effort after talking to a friend that seemed to do pretty well for himself. Now, women weren't fighting over this guy or anything, but he did manage to get them to talk to him.

What I quickly realized was that this guy only got better at talking to women because he had been turned down so many times. His theory was that for every 20 women he talked to, one would actually acknowledge him. Funny enough, his twenty to one ratio was pretty much bang on.

However, after hitting several clubs over a two-month period, my ratio was more like a hundred to one. I just didn't seem to have it, no matter how hard I tried. A person can only be rejected so many times before they start to question themselves. This technique might work for some, but for anyone with self-esteem issues, it's deadly.

On a positive note, of all the girls I talked to in bars, I did manage to meet a few decent ones.

Anyway, I digress. What it all comes down to is the fact that bars are not the be-all and end-all of places where you can meet quality women. In fact, I would say that most of the quality women are not the type to frequent bars in the first place. Yes, it's true that there are many beautiful women that hang out in bars, but you have to realize that this is part of their lifestyle. Forget what they look like for a second – is this really what you want?

Dating - Creating Options

If you're a single guy, you've got a lot of choice in the dating world - when you play your cards right. Many guys make the mistake of “putting all their eggs in one basket” when it comes to romance and dating. Leaving yourself options is smart because you never know what's going to go wrong.

That was a hard lesson learned when I first started my online dating escapades. I would tend to get attached to one woman and ignore everyone else. This was true in the on-line and off-line world. I don't know what my problem was, but I had a hard time multitasking when it came to paying attention to more than one person at a time. More often than not, I regretted being faithful to one woman. Keep in mind, I'm only talking about dating here. If I was involved in a sexual relationship, I would certainly keep it exclusive.

I suppose dating immaturity has a lot to do with it. I was very inexperienced up until a few years ago, and if any woman paid attention to me, I would focus strictly on that person. What I learned very quickly was that things don't go according to plan most of the time, and I was left on my own several times.

Eventually, I started getting to know more than one person at a time. Not that I was stringing them along, it's just that I made it very clear that I wasn't going to get serious with anyone right away.

That had a very profound effect on my dating life. Once I made it clear that I didn't want a serious relationship and I wanted to keep things light, women started phoning more often and seemed to be much more eager to meet up than they were previously. I'll talk more about that in another post.

By not getting serious with one person, I was able to date different women and keep my options open. If I fell out with one, I would always have other options available.

Just a word of caution: I don't recommend that you string people along or try to burn the candle at both ends by carrying on a serious relationship with more than one person. This will never end well. You're much better off telling them that you want to keep things light and that you're both free to date other people.

Of course, the other advantage to this is that you discover who is right for you and who isn't. When you have no choices, you can sometimes make the mistake of getting serious with someone that's not right for you. For example: if you date five separate women in one month, you will quickly find out what you like and what you don't like. If you date someone exclusively, you won't have anyone to compare her to.

This is a mistake that most inexperienced guys make. You've heard the old saying about marrying the first girl you see. Sadly, this is true for many guys. They are literally throwing away their chance at happiness in return for a sure thing.

I was actually that guy for most of my life. I was clingy, possessive, jealous, and needy. Oh yeah, I was the whole package – lol.

I had no idea that I was capable of dating multiple women and having a choice of whom I wanted to be with. I always assumed that I should be thankful to at least have someone.

Arrogance is Not Confidence

So, what's the difference between confidence and cockiness? If you honestly don't know, then you've got a lot of work ahead of you, not to mention many disappointments along the way.

Although there are guys out there that can get away with being arrogant, cocky, and juvenile; most of us can't pull it off in a positive way. Don't get me wrong, it's not that these guys can't attract beautiful women (in fact, many of them attract the most beautiful women), it's just that any woman of substance will be able to see through this superficial charade without any problem at all.

Arrogance, cockiness, and aggressive behavior are definitely not signs of confidence. This type of behavior is often a cover-up for lack of self-esteem.

Have you ever noticed guys that seem to take great pleasure in putting other people down, making fun of someone, or humiliating others just so they can feel superior? These are also most likely the people that will treat women poorly just to get attention. Does this type of behavior sound like confidence?

The truth of the matter is that women are attracted to confidence – but it must be genuine. They love being with a guy that is comfortable with himself but doesn't let everyone know it – a humble self-assuredness, if you will. This type of guy doesn't need to show everyone else how confident he is by being boisterous and obnoxious.

I can remember getting some bad advice from a book I read some time ago. The basic theory that the author was trying to get across was that every guy should develop a “bad boy” routine. The premise was that this drives women absolutely wild and any man that can master it will also have his choice of any woman he wants.

Unfortunately, I took this advice to heart and went out in the real world to try it out. This was by far one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in the dating world. For one thing, behavior like this really is unacceptable. Secondly, I absolutely did not have the personality to pull this off with any degree of success. Thirdly, it's a good way to get beat up (I'm serious). I won't get into details, but suffice it to say that I thoroughly embarrassed myself and a few of my friends that night. In fact, word got around about my humiliating display and I went through a period where no one wanted to have anything to do with me – this included my closest friends.

So how do you build real confidence?

Well, from my experience and what I've noticed from watching truly confident guys; real confidence has more to do with who you are as a person, the values you hold, and your ability to shoulder responsibility. It's the self-assurance that one gains through knowing his abilities/capabilities – while keeping most of this to himself.

If I could eventually develop this sort of quiet confidence, I'd have it made. Unfortunately, there is much more below the surface than meets the eye, and one cannot simply go from being insecure to being confident overnight.

Take a Step Back - Work on Your Confidence And Self-Esteem Issues First

It's a real shame that many guys simply can't relax enough around women so that their true personalities shine. Personally, I always felt that I had a very relaxed and down to earth way about me. However, this terrific side of me only came out when I was around people that I could relax with. Unfortunately, in high anxiety situations (such as a date), I was transformed into this whole other person. I went from feeling confident, self-assured, and personable, to this insecure, nervous guy that was always stumbling on his words and agreeing with what ever she said just to gain her approval. It was a real train wreck; honest to God.

I eventually came to the conclusion that I was in over my head in most dating situations. I obviously had confidence and self-esteem issues that I needed to take care of before I'd have any hope of success on a date.

The solution seemed simple: I somehow needed to take my relaxed personality and use it in high-stress situations, such as dating. Of course, I quickly found out that this was next to impossible. I simply couldn't relax enough to have my “real” personality take over.

Obviously, I needed to work on my self-confidence and self-esteem. I figured I had two options: I could either go and get professional help, or I could go the self-help route.

Now, seeking professional help takes a major commitment, not to mention, money. Although I've got nothing against talking to a professional, I didn't think my problem warranted such drastic action. So I started reading everything I could about confidence building and hoped that there would be something that I could take and use in the real world.

To make a long story short, I did get a lot of value from the books that I read, but ultimately what changed my life was the real world experience that I gained over the course of a year. I literally forced myself into social situations.

As scary as that sounds to a shy person, the uneasy feeling doesn't last. I can remember feeling so self-conscious at first that all I wanted to do was go home, put on a movie and relax. Of course, that was the old me. The new me was determined to make this work no matter what.

Even though I ended up making a fool of myself on several occasions, I didn't give up. I learned from my mistakes and over time I began to relax a little more. My conversation skills increased dramatically and I started feeling much less self-conscious around people.

Eventually, I got to the point where I could actually handle a dating situation with relative ease. Of course, it really depended on who I was with. There were still (and are) women that made me nervous and self-conscious no matter what.

The bottom line is that there is no “quick fix” for lack of confidence and self-esteem in the dating world (or in general). While everyone is nervous on a first date (to some extent), excessive nervousness could be a sign of deeper, underlying issues.

Why am I spending so much time talking about this?

Well, first of all, it's an issue that hits very close to home with me. Secondly, I think it's something that affects many more people than you would think. Not to mention, if you allow your nervousness and lack of confidence to dominate your life in the dating world, you are condemning yourself to a life of disappointment and embarrassment. And you deserve better than that.

Can't Talk To Women? Get Some Conversation Experience!

When I started the dating challenge, I had no idea how to even talk to a woman, let alone ask someone out on a date. For some reason, I assumed that by losing weight and working on my physical appearance, I'd be able to totally transform myself. I couldn't have been more wrong.

What I didn't realize at the time was that my physical appearance was only one contributing factor in my failure with women. There were other things at work here that were hurting me much more than my sloppy appearance.

What I eventually realized was that I had a problem relating to society in general. It simply wasn't that I couldn't talk to women - I couldn't talk to anyone very well. Of course, when I was in a conversation with a woman, things were much worse and my feelings of low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and general inadequacy, took center stage.

I have a friend who suffers from a condition known as social anxiety. Social anxiety is essentially a form of severe shyness. Every time I feel as though I'll never be able to talk to women or get a date, I think of how bad my friend has it. Because of this condition, he cannot talk to women at all, and has never had a date as far as I know. Now, I'm not putting him down and he really is a great friend, but his extreme shyness is just killing his prospects in the dating world.

The only reason I am mentioning this is because, even though I believed I don't have social anxiety, I do have (or had) a problem with shyness.

So, you can see that sometimes you need to take a step or two back and address other problems in your life before you can find success in the dating world. And that is exactly what I did.

It's been well over a year now since I decided that I don't want life passing me by while I remain too shy to achieve the things I want. Although my friend started getting therapy for his condition, I decided that I didn't really need that much help. Quite simply, I just needed more experience socializing and conversing with people.

I decided to step up my social activities and took every advantage to talk to people - and I mean, I talked to everyone. What I found was that this provided valuable experience that I would use in the dating world.

I'm convinced that there is not a problem in the world that can't be improved by simply getting more experience - and my shyness problem was no exception. It took well over a year, but I'm finally to the point where I can relax on dates and have meaningful conversations with women - and the best thing is that I don't come across as nervous, needy, or insecure. Women really do pick up on insecurity and nervousness - and it's generally not a good thing from a dating perspective.

So, the bottom line is that I forced myself to get out in public (even if I had nowhere to go. I would still go for a walk). And the other thing I did was force myself to talk to anyone I could. After a while, this became second nature, and that's when I started getting a little confidence which snowballed from there.

No big secrets here, I just realized what my shortcomings were, made a plan, and the rest is history.

I'm at the point right now where I feel relatively comfortable talking to anyone. I don't feel any need to improve my conversation skills or confidence level anymore than I have, as I am having a decent amount of success the way things are.