Creating opportunity

Increasing my friendship base is not going to be easy. After all, most people my age are busy getting on with their lives. They run in different circles and are more likely to have common interests related to work, relationships, kids, and finding a great interest rate for their mortgage. I, on the other hand, am still living like a teenager in my parent’s basement.

Getting depressed over how miserable my life has turned out is not going to do anything for me, however. I’m not going to get bogged down with the past – what’s done is done.

As far as meeting new people… well, that might take a little creative thinking. I don’t want to just go out with the sole purpose of meeting new friends; that would just make me look desperate. I think a better approach would be to find something that truly interests me, and get involved with that. Meeting new people would just be a natural result of getting out and doing something.

Choosing an activity to get involved with should be fairly simple. I have a wide variety interests and hobbies.

I am thinking of joining a group through meetup.com or taking a night-school class at the local high school.

The only limitation I am going to place on this is that I want to get involved in an activity where the male/female ratio does not work against me. I’ve been in competitive situations like that before and I don’t do well.

I remember an automotive class I signed up for years ago. There were at least 12 guys and only one female. She was 40ish, and very, very plain looking. She was not the type to get a second look by any guy in public. However, in this class, she was treated like a queen. It was like some big competition between the men in the class to see who could get her attention. Of course, the better looking, more outgoing guys seemed to garner most of the attention. That left me sitting in the sidelines.

It’s all to do with supply and demand. Human behavior is bizarre at times.

New strategy - not looking for a date

“Do what you love, and the money will follow,” is some very sound, philosophical advice for entrepreneurs. It suggests that people stop trying so hard to get rich, and work at something they are passionate about. Do that well, and the money will follow.

There is a lot to be said for directing our efforts towards enjoying the journey instead of simply achieving the goal. While you should have a goal, the method you use to get there is equally important. Employing the “whatever it takes” approach, will not necessary guarantee success.

I’m sure this very idea can be applied to the dating world.

Asking women out, until one finally says yes, is a prime example of how one can easily become short-sighted. By playing the odds, you are almost certainly going to get a yes eventually, but at what cost? I personally couldn’t put myself through that much torture.

For a guy like me (not especially attractive) the “success through numbers” approach is painful and will probably not result in finding someone compatible anyway.

On the same note, continuing to lead my life “as is” will accomplish nothing. It’s obvious that this is not working for me and that I have to make an extra effort to meet women. Not to say that I need to start coming on to every person I meet - leering and lusting after women like some desperate, over-sexed pervert – but there has to be some middle-ground somewhere.

Nothing is as sad as desperation – and people pick up on this very easily. Yes, I hate to say it, but I’m sure that I come off as being desperate. What is the difference between that, and being forward? I would have to say looks and confidence. Unattractive guys come off as being needy, while good looking guys appear forward, and confident.

I’ve decided that, instead of trying so hard to meet someone, I might just start by trying to get out more and socialize. If this theory is right, then I should be able to attract someone by just being myself, getting out, and doing my own thing. The worst that can happen is that I make a few friends; and that’s not entirely bad.

If looks count, then what's left for me?

Here’s a question I’ve asked myself time and time again: Where can I go to meet women? Online dating sites don’t seem to work for me, I can’t function in bars, I don’t have any friends that know women, and I don’t naturally attract people in public. Sure I can try approaching potential dates and making small talk, but again, since I’m not that attractive, I won’t make a good first impression.

Ok, I’m not being too hard on myself, I’m just facing facts. I can’t pretend that I’m someone I’m not and that everything will work itself out. I have to come to terms with things and accept myself before I can move on. It’s no big deal. This is the hand I was dealt, and this is all I have to work with.

Ok, so obviously, the direct approach doesn’t work for me – I can live with that. But does it mean that I have to resign myself to a life of solitude? Surely, there must be a better way to get out there and get a foot in the door. I’ve just got to find something that I’m comfortable with. Once the pressure is off, I should be fine.

I can function ok once I get to know a person. In fact, I’m convinced that the only way I will ever meet anyone, and have them interested in me, is if we meet under non-romantic circumstances first. Beauty is skin deep, as they say.

The dating sites have taught me a few valuable lessons – even though they were mostly negative. They taught me that a guy like me has got to work a little harder, and be a little more creative, when trying to meet women.

I created several profiles on many dating sites - some with my picture, and others without. I got no responses at all from the sites that had my pic. I did get a few responses from the sites that did not have my picture in the profile, but in every instance, the women I was messaging back and forth stopped communicating after I sent a photo. Hard truth, but at least I’m not fooling myself.

So the problem is that I can’t break through the physical appearance barrier. I’m finished before I even start. I need another approach – something less direct.

There has got to be a way to meet someone without the whole dating/relationship thing hanging over our heads. I need to meet women in a totally non-romantic setting – a setting where the idea of dating and hooking up would be far down the list.

I know this goes against the advice of many of the great dating gurus, but I’ve always thought that their techniques relied heavily upon one’s appearance.

No, the only way I’m ever going to meet anyone is to meet them in a non-romantic way first. I’m certain of that.

Getting out socially

Bars and pickup spots are not my thing. Even if I do eventually get to the point where I feel comfortable, I still don’t think this is the best way to meet people. While there is a lot to be said for instant chemistry, I prefer to get to know people as well. There is so much more to a person than just physical appearance. Now, I’m not saying that you couldn’t meet the girl of your dreams in a nightclub. It’s just that, in my case, the odds would be slim.

The thing with noisy clubs is that physical appearance dominates the stage. Generally, the music is so loud that people have little else to work with. It’s not like you can start up a conversation and introduce yourself – shouting in someone’s ear is not my idea of a stimulating conversation. Without the ability to converse, physical appearances are vital. Having the right look can speak volumes without having to say a word. I know - I’ve seen it happen many times. Some guys just have the right look – a way to communicate effectively without saying anything.

Now, for me, that’s a different story. I don’t have the look. Well, I do have a look, but it’s not conducive to picking up women. Even if I were thin at this point, I still don’t think I would have what it takes to “work the floor.”

So what is the alternative for a guy like me? Well, I think exposure is the key. I need to get out more and make myself visible. Not necessarily with the intent to hit on women, but to simply mingle a little more on a social level.

Yes, I think I might be trying a little too hard. It’s been suggested by a few close friends that I try too hard. They stopped short of saying that I give out desperate vibes, but I read between the lines.

Isn’t it true that sometimes, the more you try, the harder it is to attract people – that goes for friends or romantic interests.

Some guys have great success with hitting directly on women because they have looks and confidence going for them. Although they are very forward, they don’t come off as being desperate. I, however, do come off as being desperate and it causes women to back off immediately. It’s human nature, I suppose.

So, I’m going to concentrate on simply getting out more and see what happens. In a way, it’s a relief not to have the usual “must meet women” mentality. The worse that could happen is that nothing happens, but at least I’m creating the opportunity. Sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself, pissed off at the hand I’ve been dealt, is not creating opportunity.

Let’s face it: The more I get out, the greater the chance that someone could walk into my life. And no, I’m not simply waiting for fate to throw someone into my arms, but I am waiting for a chance to meet and get to know someone.

Things are improving. Well, appearance wise anyway. Since last Thursday, I have traded in my old glasses for a more stylish pair, got my first set of contacts, got a new haircut, and went shopping for some new clothes (with some help from my sister-in-law). I feel like a new man.

The new glasses are quite different. They are much smaller than the old ones and, personally, I think they make my eyes look too close together and beady. Now, the contacts will take some getting used to. I can only wear them for a few hours, then it feels like my eyes are full of grit – apparently, I’ll get used to them as my eyes adjust.

I only bought one new outfit because I’m losing weight at a fairly decent rate, and I don’t want to waste my money on clothes I’ll never wear.

Yesterday, I decided to put in the contacts and try on the new clothes. As I stood there in the mirror, no glasses, new haircut and fashionable clothes, I thought I looked pretty good - at least good enough not to have women running away, or laughing - maybe even decent enough to risk striking up a conversation. I mean, I’m still overweight, but I don’t look sloppy anymore. I look at least as good as any other average guy out there. My daily visit to the gym must be doing something. I’m sure I’m not imagining this.

Yes, I felt good. It took a little getting used to, but for once in my life, I wasn’t staring back at an overweight, textbook geek. I was actually pleased with my appearance. However, I do need to lose another 30 lbs.

Now comes the tough part – putting myself out there to see what happens. While I feel pretty good, I could also be kidding myself.

I’m apprehensive right now because I’m still overweight. I would love to be able to lose the weight first, but that would take a long time. Too long, actually - because the last thing I want to do right now is wait another 6 months until I reach my ideal weight. I’m going to have to chance it, and hope that my new image will be enough to get me through.