What creates desire?

Writing this blog reminded me of something I heard years ago - the advice came from a friend of my brother. This guy was, and always had been, a ladies man. He seemed to have an unlimited amount of charm and an endless number of prospects.

After finishing off a bottle of single-malt scotch one night, we started talking about our theories on women. His experience was that the secret to attracting women and creating desire is to have something that they want. After all, if they don’t want it, nothing in this world is ever going to change that.

At the time, I dismissed it as drunken rambling, but looking back now, I should have taken the time to understand what he was really saying. Yes, he may have been drunk, but he still got 10 times the amount of women the rest of us did. I should have listened, because he, in fact, was walking the walk and talking the talk.

Looking back, I think I can now appreciate what it was he meant. He was saying that there has to be something about the other person that creates an attraction - there must be something they want (Duh…). Ok, yes that’s fairly obvious, but isn’t it funny how many of us miss that critical bit of the puzzle?

In all honesty, you could be the nicest guy in the world, but unless you have something that she desires, there is no hope of ever creating any attraction.

What creates desire? Isn’t that the million dollar question? If I knew that, then I would be further ahead than most guys out there.

Taking a few steps back

So, I spent the weekend thinking about the best way to approach my problem and the challenge. I brainstormed a whole whack of ideas and strategies, but as it turned out, I was too busy looking for the quick and easy solution, while the obvious starting point was staring me in the face. It was me – I needed to start working on my own self-improvement.

Most methods, strategies, tips, tricks, are superficial anyway. Maybe some of it works, I don’t know. But even so, having the best technique doesn’t mean a thing to someone that is unable to use it properly. The smoothest pickup lines in the world won’t do me a bit of good because I’m still me.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that my problems run deeper than simply not being able to hook up with women. I think I need to address a much larger issue – one that centers on my own self-esteem, confidence and personality issues.

The truth is that dating is really only a very small part of a larger picture. The reality is that I seem to put off people in general. That would account for having only one good friend. This is, indeed, a sad realization to arrive at.

Ok, well if that’s what it’s going to take to get started, let’s just forget about women and dating for a moment and take a few steps back.

Meeting women - a numbers game?

A good friend of mine once suggested that the problem was not with me, but with the women I approached. Well, that and my low attempt rate. He suggested using the “success through numbers” theory where I would literally try to start a conversation with every woman I saw. He reasoned that the law of averages would be on my side, if nothing else.

Well, all I can say is that, in my case, playing the odds didn’t make much difference – I just got rejected more often. Needless to say, my self-esteem couldn’t take that for very long.

Things haven’t changed much since then. I still get rejected by almost every woman I attempt to talk to. Some are polite about it, and some a little more abrupt, but in the end it amounts to the same thing – rejection.

I think my problems go a little deeper than that. Throwing myself at women I meet is not the answer. I think I need to concentrate on the quality of my attempts and not quantity.

While some guys do have success with sheer numbers, I’ll bet they have more going for them than I do.

An offer I "can" refuse

Well, I’ve decided that I’m not going to get caught up in the negative feedback I’m getting from the dating sites. By the way, I received a great offer on one of those sites. It seems that there is this heiress overseas that is trying to make it to the US so she can gain access to a lost family fortune. All I have to do is front her the money to get over here, and she will split the proceeds with me. Oh, and she will also become my faithful life-long companion, if I so choose. How can I go wrong?

Sorry baby, I’m broke.

On a more serious note, I’m going through all my options and trying to figure out the best way to start this challenge. I’m already a week into it and I feel like I’ve done nothing. Well, that’s not entirely true, I did do a little homework with the dating sites, so I at least know where I’m starting.

And where am I starting? Rock bottom, that’s where.

The results are in (some, anyway)

As promised, here are the results of the dating sites and rating sites I posted my profile to a few days ago. The bottom line is not great. I keep reminding myself that it’s only been a few days, so things might improve.

I posted my profile on 12 different dating sites (fortunately, there are a lot out there). These are free sites that provide members with full access. I posted my photo with each submission, along with a fairly detailed and well-written bio. I did not lie or exaggerate on any profiles (although the urge was there). I needed to have genuine information in my details because I need honest feedback.

As far as the rating sites go, 8 of the dating sites had a rating system. Additionally, I submitted my pic to three “rating only” sites.

I also contacted three women – all had pictures, and all very different from one another.

The first was very good-looking with a well-written bio. The second was extremely good-looking (way, way out of my league) and had a poor description and bio (lots of spelling mistakes and each paragraph started with, “and like…”). The third was not very attractive, but had a great bio and seemed very intelligent.

I sent the same message to each. It was along the lines of: “Hi, I’m Dan. Your profile caught my eye…”

Here are the results so far:

I got zero inquires from people that wanted to know more about me. I heard back from one woman I sent a message to. It was the beautiful one with the badly written bio. Three words: “you’re kidding, right?” Then she proceeded to block me.


Lastly, I received a few ratings from the “hot-or-not” sites. All three sites rated me very low (although one only had a single respondent). There were also a few comments. One guy said, “Dude, are you kidding?” I assume it was a guy anyway. The other comment sounded like it was from some schoolgirl and it said, “ewww.” The last comment was simply a laughing happy face (that was actually from a dating site with a rating system).

Anyway, I feel like sh*t, so enough for today.