Dealing With Rejection

As a single guy, you need to be prepared for rejection. There is no way around this, and it’s something that we all have to deal with. If your self-esteem is so fragile that you can’t handle rejection at all, then you could be in for a very lonely life. It doesn’t matter what you look like or what kind of personality you have – At some point you will be rejected.

This is probably one of the greatest “secrets” of all time and it took me a long time to realize how it worked and why it was so important in the grand scheme of things. One of the most amazing things about rejection is that if you are confident in your abilities and are prepared to handle rejection with some class and dignity, your rejection rate actually decreases.

Like any “failure” in life, rejection is pretty hard to take, initially. Hey, it’s a blow to your ego and many guys take it personally. After all, you are being rejected because you are not quite good enough. How can one not take that personally?

Well, from my experience, there are two things wrong with that way of thinking: First, there could be a number of reasons that she rejected you. It could have nothing to do with you at all – you’ll likely never know the real reason, unfortunately. Second, even if you are rejected because of the way you look or the way you act, that is her opinion only. You cannot unconditionally accept one person’s opinion as the absolute truth. Ok, she might not be attracted to you, but there is always someone out there that will think you are wonderful.

How do I know this? Well, I’ve experienced it many times in the past few years. The real secret here is not to dwell on rejection. If you allow one person’s opinion to wear away at your self-esteem and create negative energy, you will never meet anyone. This person is stealing power from you – don’t give them the satisfaction.

First Impressions - She's Already Made up Her Mind

First impressions are everything, especially in the dating world. Though you may not realize it, most times a potential mate will have you “figured out” within seconds of meeting. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless the image you are portraying is so negative that it kills any chance of a romantic encounter at all. Notice that there is a difference between the image you project, and the image you want to project.

Many women (even though they already have an impression of you burned in their minds) will, at least, allow you the opportunity to redeem yourself and disprove their preconceived notions. However, be aware that once that initial impression has been made, it is almost written in stone – you’ve got to be very persuasive to change it.

So, obviously, the solution is to make your first impression a good one - Sounds easy enough, but there are many things out of your control. Sure you can do everything in your power to appear confident and project a positive image, but what if you remind her of an ex-boyfriend who dumped her? What if you remind her of her brother? Perhaps you resemble that geeky, obnoxious guy at work – or the rude landlord. There can be many things that are simply out of your control. The sad thing is that you’ll never really know.

What’s even more amazing is the fact that she may not even be aware that she is making assumptions and forming opinions – at least, not on a conscious level. Human beings interpret things on many levels and while there is no logical reason for her to despise you, it can exist somewhere below the surface.

The good news is that this same principle works the other way. People may not be able to explain why they are inexplicably drawn to someone, yet it is a very real feeling.

Can appearance build self-confidence?

Can appearance build self-confidence?

In short, I would have to say, yes it does – but there are limitations.

I’ve always had a problem with confidence. I used to think that my weight, and the fact that I wore glasses, was responsible for my lack of self-esteem. Later in life, I started losing my hair and that was pretty much the third strike.

I basically spent most of my twenties submerged in computers, and the few jobs I managed to land dealt strictly with programming and data bases – very little human contact. This was fine with me because, while I felt that I’d never meet a woman, I could at least excel in something and get paid well for it. Let me tell you, this sounded a lot better in theory.

Ok, fast forward a few years. I have managed to lose a lot of weight over the past 2 years. In fact, you would never know that I had a weight problem by looking at me. I’ve also given up glasses in favour of contacts. All in all, you could say that I’m a different person.

Ok, do I feel more confident? Well, a little, but I still have a long way to go before I’m able to sit across from a pretty woman and be myself. The dates that I manage to struggle through go ok, considering, but I’d love to be able to feel a little more confident and enjoy the evening instead of dealing with that incredible nervousness I always feel. Maybe it’s normal. Maybe some guys deal with it a little better – who knows.

The fact of the matter is that true confidence needs to come from within – I’m absolutely sure of that now. While improving one’s appearance does help a little, true change must come from within.

So what’s the answer? Perhaps a few hours on the couch might help? Lol.

Dating and self-esteem issues

Last year, I started my dating challenge half cocked. I was setting myself up to fail and didn’t even realize it. Basically, I just threw myself out there, did what I thought was right, and expected results. Looking back at that now, I have to laugh. I mean, I had so many things going against me that it’s a wonder I was able to arrange the few dates I did.

Of course, I struck out on each of those three encounters. It’s one thing to set up a date, but an entirely different thing to make it work. I suppose nervousness had a lot to do with it.

Yes, being nervous will kill a date faster than anything. If you think that the other person doesn’t notice, then you are really kidding yourself. Of course my dates could see that I was nervous, but I felt powerless the stop it.

Why is there such a stigma put on this anyway? What’s wrong with being nervous on a first date? Well, apparently, a lot. The women I have dated seem to regard nervousness as a horrible character flaw.

However, looking at the big picture: If nervousness, lack of self-esteem, and lack of confidence are such horrible character flaws, then where does that leave the average guy? You can’t tell me that most guys would not show some nervousness on a first date. We all can’t be that confident. We all can’t live up to some pre-conceived notion of how a man should always appear calm, confident and in complete control.

Is there any help for the nervous guys of this world?

Of course there is, however, the answer is not found in the dating world. As I found out, my problem with confidence had nothing to do with my dating problems - actually, dating just added fuel to the fire.

No, my real problem ran a little deeper than that. Until I worked on my self-esteem issues, I’d be setting myself up for a lifetime of failure and stress in the dating world.

Dating, socializing, friendship - What are your expectations?

What are your expectations when it comes to socializing and dating?

That’s a question that I’ve been asking myself lately. For as long as I can remember, I’ve sat on the sidelines while the rest of society seemingly carried on flirting, socializing, dating – basically, enjoying life. Yes, I know, I viewed the rest of the world in a somewhat skewed manner.

Now, I’m not naïve enough to believe that everyone else lived their lives as though they were in a beer commercial; but still, I did feel cheated, put down, and robbed of that social connection everyone else seemed to enjoy. It was as if they belonged to an exclusive club that would never consider granting me membership.

Ok, now obviously, that way of thinking is wrong. Sure, there might be a few social circles that I’ll never have a chance with, but those are few and far between. The reality is that I have the capability to connect with people and have a healthy social life. I am capable of expanding my circle of friends.

Where do I need to start? Well, the biggest mistake I am making is that I have unrealistic expectations of how society functions. I’m not talking about dating exclusively, but socializing in general.

For example: I am not a handsome guy, yet I put myself down when women totally ignore me. I expect that they should pay attention to me, flirt, and treat me with kindness. When that doesn’t happen, I feel depressed, resentful, and hurt.

Obviously, I’m missing something here. My expectations are out of whack.

I expect people to be kind towards me.

I expect people to start conversations with me.

I expect to have a large group of friends.

I expect people to make the first move when striking up a conversation.

I expect women to flirt with me.

I expect women to be attracted to me.

I expect others to make first contact.

I expect to be invited to functions.

I expect to be included.

In the past year, I’ve had a major reality check. One thing I have been working on is my expectations. Now, I could have simply lowered my expectations and accepted the fact that society would pretty much ignore me. Low expectations, low results, and everything balances. Or, I could have made an effort to improve my situation, work hard, and earn that which I expected from people.

The keyword here is earned.

Feeble effort equals feeble results.