Meeting Women In Bars And Clubs Can Be Brutal For An Average Guy

I have to admit, I've had a fair amount of experience with bars and clubs in the past year or so. Unfortunately, most of that experience has been bad. And I don't say that to be funny, just telling it like it is for an average guy like myself. I'm sure there are many out there that function okay in this high pressure environment – sadly, I'm not one of them.

The thing is, I don't really care whether I'm successful or not in bars and clubs. There is much more opportunity out there to meet women in the real world. Yeah, I wouldn't consider a high pressure, noisy club to be the real world. Sure, there are loads of beautiful women strutting their stuff, but unless you're exceptional in some way, you haven't got a chance. I'm not just theorizing here – I speak from experience.

I often thought that maybe I didn't give it a fair chance. That's why I decided to concentrate strictly on bars and clubs for a few months. This was last year just before Christmas. I decided to really put forth my best effort after talking to a friend that seemed to do pretty well for himself. Now, women weren't fighting over this guy or anything, but he did manage to get them to talk to him.

What I quickly realized was that this guy only got better at talking to women because he had been turned down so many times. His theory was that for every 20 women he talked to, one would actually acknowledge him. Funny enough, his twenty to one ratio was pretty much bang on.

However, after hitting several clubs over a two-month period, my ratio was more like a hundred to one. I just didn't seem to have it, no matter how hard I tried. A person can only be rejected so many times before they start to question themselves. This technique might work for some, but for anyone with self-esteem issues, it's deadly.

On a positive note, of all the girls I talked to in bars, I did manage to meet a few decent ones.

Anyway, I digress. What it all comes down to is the fact that bars are not the be-all and end-all of places where you can meet quality women. In fact, I would say that most of the quality women are not the type to frequent bars in the first place. Yes, it's true that there are many beautiful women that hang out in bars, but you have to realize that this is part of their lifestyle. Forget what they look like for a second – is this really what you want?

Dating - Creating Options

If you're a single guy, you've got a lot of choice in the dating world - when you play your cards right. Many guys make the mistake of “putting all their eggs in one basket” when it comes to romance and dating. Leaving yourself options is smart because you never know what's going to go wrong.

That was a hard lesson learned when I first started my online dating escapades. I would tend to get attached to one woman and ignore everyone else. This was true in the on-line and off-line world. I don't know what my problem was, but I had a hard time multitasking when it came to paying attention to more than one person at a time. More often than not, I regretted being faithful to one woman. Keep in mind, I'm only talking about dating here. If I was involved in a sexual relationship, I would certainly keep it exclusive.

I suppose dating immaturity has a lot to do with it. I was very inexperienced up until a few years ago, and if any woman paid attention to me, I would focus strictly on that person. What I learned very quickly was that things don't go according to plan most of the time, and I was left on my own several times.

Eventually, I started getting to know more than one person at a time. Not that I was stringing them along, it's just that I made it very clear that I wasn't going to get serious with anyone right away.

That had a very profound effect on my dating life. Once I made it clear that I didn't want a serious relationship and I wanted to keep things light, women started phoning more often and seemed to be much more eager to meet up than they were previously. I'll talk more about that in another post.

By not getting serious with one person, I was able to date different women and keep my options open. If I fell out with one, I would always have other options available.

Just a word of caution: I don't recommend that you string people along or try to burn the candle at both ends by carrying on a serious relationship with more than one person. This will never end well. You're much better off telling them that you want to keep things light and that you're both free to date other people.

Of course, the other advantage to this is that you discover who is right for you and who isn't. When you have no choices, you can sometimes make the mistake of getting serious with someone that's not right for you. For example: if you date five separate women in one month, you will quickly find out what you like and what you don't like. If you date someone exclusively, you won't have anyone to compare her to.

This is a mistake that most inexperienced guys make. You've heard the old saying about marrying the first girl you see. Sadly, this is true for many guys. They are literally throwing away their chance at happiness in return for a sure thing.

I was actually that guy for most of my life. I was clingy, possessive, jealous, and needy. Oh yeah, I was the whole package – lol.

I had no idea that I was capable of dating multiple women and having a choice of whom I wanted to be with. I always assumed that I should be thankful to at least have someone.

Arrogance is Not Confidence

So, what's the difference between confidence and cockiness? If you honestly don't know, then you've got a lot of work ahead of you, not to mention many disappointments along the way.

Although there are guys out there that can get away with being arrogant, cocky, and juvenile; most of us can't pull it off in a positive way. Don't get me wrong, it's not that these guys can't attract beautiful women (in fact, many of them attract the most beautiful women), it's just that any woman of substance will be able to see through this superficial charade without any problem at all.

Arrogance, cockiness, and aggressive behavior are definitely not signs of confidence. This type of behavior is often a cover-up for lack of self-esteem.

Have you ever noticed guys that seem to take great pleasure in putting other people down, making fun of someone, or humiliating others just so they can feel superior? These are also most likely the people that will treat women poorly just to get attention. Does this type of behavior sound like confidence?

The truth of the matter is that women are attracted to confidence – but it must be genuine. They love being with a guy that is comfortable with himself but doesn't let everyone know it – a humble self-assuredness, if you will. This type of guy doesn't need to show everyone else how confident he is by being boisterous and obnoxious.

I can remember getting some bad advice from a book I read some time ago. The basic theory that the author was trying to get across was that every guy should develop a “bad boy” routine. The premise was that this drives women absolutely wild and any man that can master it will also have his choice of any woman he wants.

Unfortunately, I took this advice to heart and went out in the real world to try it out. This was by far one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in the dating world. For one thing, behavior like this really is unacceptable. Secondly, I absolutely did not have the personality to pull this off with any degree of success. Thirdly, it's a good way to get beat up (I'm serious). I won't get into details, but suffice it to say that I thoroughly embarrassed myself and a few of my friends that night. In fact, word got around about my humiliating display and I went through a period where no one wanted to have anything to do with me – this included my closest friends.

So how do you build real confidence?

Well, from my experience and what I've noticed from watching truly confident guys; real confidence has more to do with who you are as a person, the values you hold, and your ability to shoulder responsibility. It's the self-assurance that one gains through knowing his abilities/capabilities – while keeping most of this to himself.

If I could eventually develop this sort of quiet confidence, I'd have it made. Unfortunately, there is much more below the surface than meets the eye, and one cannot simply go from being insecure to being confident overnight.

Take a Step Back - Work on Your Confidence And Self-Esteem Issues First

It's a real shame that many guys simply can't relax enough around women so that their true personalities shine. Personally, I always felt that I had a very relaxed and down to earth way about me. However, this terrific side of me only came out when I was around people that I could relax with. Unfortunately, in high anxiety situations (such as a date), I was transformed into this whole other person. I went from feeling confident, self-assured, and personable, to this insecure, nervous guy that was always stumbling on his words and agreeing with what ever she said just to gain her approval. It was a real train wreck; honest to God.

I eventually came to the conclusion that I was in over my head in most dating situations. I obviously had confidence and self-esteem issues that I needed to take care of before I'd have any hope of success on a date.

The solution seemed simple: I somehow needed to take my relaxed personality and use it in high-stress situations, such as dating. Of course, I quickly found out that this was next to impossible. I simply couldn't relax enough to have my “real” personality take over.

Obviously, I needed to work on my self-confidence and self-esteem. I figured I had two options: I could either go and get professional help, or I could go the self-help route.

Now, seeking professional help takes a major commitment, not to mention, money. Although I've got nothing against talking to a professional, I didn't think my problem warranted such drastic action. So I started reading everything I could about confidence building and hoped that there would be something that I could take and use in the real world.

To make a long story short, I did get a lot of value from the books that I read, but ultimately what changed my life was the real world experience that I gained over the course of a year. I literally forced myself into social situations.

As scary as that sounds to a shy person, the uneasy feeling doesn't last. I can remember feeling so self-conscious at first that all I wanted to do was go home, put on a movie and relax. Of course, that was the old me. The new me was determined to make this work no matter what.

Even though I ended up making a fool of myself on several occasions, I didn't give up. I learned from my mistakes and over time I began to relax a little more. My conversation skills increased dramatically and I started feeling much less self-conscious around people.

Eventually, I got to the point where I could actually handle a dating situation with relative ease. Of course, it really depended on who I was with. There were still (and are) women that made me nervous and self-conscious no matter what.

The bottom line is that there is no “quick fix” for lack of confidence and self-esteem in the dating world (or in general). While everyone is nervous on a first date (to some extent), excessive nervousness could be a sign of deeper, underlying issues.

Why am I spending so much time talking about this?

Well, first of all, it's an issue that hits very close to home with me. Secondly, I think it's something that affects many more people than you would think. Not to mention, if you allow your nervousness and lack of confidence to dominate your life in the dating world, you are condemning yourself to a life of disappointment and embarrassment. And you deserve better than that.

Can't Talk To Women? Get Some Conversation Experience!

When I started the dating challenge, I had no idea how to even talk to a woman, let alone ask someone out on a date. For some reason, I assumed that by losing weight and working on my physical appearance, I'd be able to totally transform myself. I couldn't have been more wrong.

What I didn't realize at the time was that my physical appearance was only one contributing factor in my failure with women. There were other things at work here that were hurting me much more than my sloppy appearance.

What I eventually realized was that I had a problem relating to society in general. It simply wasn't that I couldn't talk to women - I couldn't talk to anyone very well. Of course, when I was in a conversation with a woman, things were much worse and my feelings of low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and general inadequacy, took center stage.

I have a friend who suffers from a condition known as social anxiety. Social anxiety is essentially a form of severe shyness. Every time I feel as though I'll never be able to talk to women or get a date, I think of how bad my friend has it. Because of this condition, he cannot talk to women at all, and has never had a date as far as I know. Now, I'm not putting him down and he really is a great friend, but his extreme shyness is just killing his prospects in the dating world.

The only reason I am mentioning this is because, even though I believed I don't have social anxiety, I do have (or had) a problem with shyness.

So, you can see that sometimes you need to take a step or two back and address other problems in your life before you can find success in the dating world. And that is exactly what I did.

It's been well over a year now since I decided that I don't want life passing me by while I remain too shy to achieve the things I want. Although my friend started getting therapy for his condition, I decided that I didn't really need that much help. Quite simply, I just needed more experience socializing and conversing with people.

I decided to step up my social activities and took every advantage to talk to people - and I mean, I talked to everyone. What I found was that this provided valuable experience that I would use in the dating world.

I'm convinced that there is not a problem in the world that can't be improved by simply getting more experience - and my shyness problem was no exception. It took well over a year, but I'm finally to the point where I can relax on dates and have meaningful conversations with women - and the best thing is that I don't come across as nervous, needy, or insecure. Women really do pick up on insecurity and nervousness - and it's generally not a good thing from a dating perspective.

So, the bottom line is that I forced myself to get out in public (even if I had nowhere to go. I would still go for a walk). And the other thing I did was force myself to talk to anyone I could. After a while, this became second nature, and that's when I started getting a little confidence which snowballed from there.

No big secrets here, I just realized what my shortcomings were, made a plan, and the rest is history.

I'm at the point right now where I feel relatively comfortable talking to anyone. I don't feel any need to improve my conversation skills or confidence level anymore than I have, as I am having a decent amount of success the way things are.

Is There Hope For Nervous Guys?

Nervous guys don't do well in the dating world. That is a fact. How do I know? Well, I used to be one of the nerdiest and most nervous looking guys you would ever want to meet. Women (and they didn't even have to be good-looking) would send my anxiety through the roof. It was so bad that I was simply unable to say a few words without looking like some kind of weirdo. Whenever I was around a woman that I would consider “dateable material,” I would change from my normal behavior into someone who could not even say hello without sounding (or looking) like I was going to pass out. This was very obvious, and was so embarrassing that most times I avoided any situation where there was any chance that I'd come into contact with the opposite sex. Sad, very very sad.

Some of the physical symptoms included blushing, sweating, and shaking. Oh, and worst of all, I felt as though my throat were constricting to the point that I could not speak. If I did try to say a few words, I always felt out of breath and the tightness in my throat resulted in any words having a peculiar high-pitched squeak to them.

So combine all this with the fact that I was at least 80 pounds overweight, I wore glasses, and that I was starting to lose my hair, and you've got one big mess. In fact, things couldn't have been any worse.

At one point, I decided that it was all in my head and that my physical symptoms weren't that noticeable. However, I was fooling myself. Of course women could see how nervous I was. They didn't say anything, but I could see how they were completely turned off by my lack of confidence

Why am I telling you this?

I suppose it's because I want you to understand that no matter how bad things are, there is hope for all of us. It doesn't matter who you are, whether you're overweight, have below average looks, or that you feel inadequate around women. If a guy like me can do it, anyone can do it.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm able to get any female I desire. In fact, many women are still out of my league – and that's okay – that's reality, and I'm okay with that.

Actually, having the ability to know when someone is out of your league is invaluable. This can save a lot of time and disappointment. I still laugh as I watch some guy hitting on a beautiful woman in a bar that literally has no chance whatsoever. Certainly, I can see that this guy is so far out of her league that it's almost laughable, but somehow no one has told him and he's screwed up the courage to give it a go. This is where good friends are invaluable. A good friend would never let you humiliate yourself like that.

Let's face it, if you have average looks, personality, and confidence, you probably shouldn't be hitting on the most beautiful woman in the place (unless, of course, you thrive on humiliation).Can you eventually get to the point where your personality and confidence is so strong that you can literally pick up any woman you want – regardless of your looks?

Well, lets just say that I've seen it done.

I've seen some very average, or below average, looking guys that have obviously mastered the technique of picking up any woman they desire. Personally, I have not achieved this level of expertise yet. In fact, it may be impossible for me to reach this level – but time will tell.

Signs of Romantic Attraction

Knowing the signs of romantic attraction is critical to happiness in the dating world. Unfortunately, it’s something that I refused to acknowledge for the longest time. While I spent, what seemed as, every waking hour hoping to get women to notice me, much of the real opportunity slipped through my fingers.

If you can’t interpret the subtle messages that women send your way, then you are dead in the water. And here is one important fact: women are a lot less obvious when it comes to sending these signals than men are.

Obviously, nature plays a big part here. Men are just conditioned to convey their feelings toward women in a very, no-nonsense fashion – there is usually no mistaking their feelings and intentions. Women, on the other hand, are much more low-key.

Why did I have a problem interpreting these signs?

Well, it all came down to my lack of self-esteem.

If I was talking with a woman that was sending me these subtle messages, I would always convince myself that my imagination was running wild. Although, I would be aware that she might find me attractive, I would kill the idea in my head without a second thought.

What if I was wrong and made a pass at her? Would she ignore me? Scream? Laugh? Run away? If I ever had the urge to trust my instincts and follow through, my “logical” side would quickly step in and put an end to it. I’d convince myself that she couldn’t have possibly been showing signs of romantic attraction towards me – obviously, I was misreading the situation.

Ultimately, I refused to acknowledge that any woman would be interested in me – it didn’t matter if the signs were subtle or downright forward.

That led to many years of loneliness.

Today, things have improved. I’ve been working on my confidence and self-esteem a little and I am now able to see many of these low-key signals that are being sent my way. Granted, I am still careful to interpret things properly so as to avoid embarrassment, but at the same time, I’ve opened my mind to the possibility that some women do find me attractive and go out of their way to show me.

It’s all to do with confidence and self-esteem. Whoever you decide you are you will become – well, for the most part anyway.

Next: The top 10 signs of romantic attraction. Wondering if she’s interested? Check this out!

Dealing With Rejection

As a single guy, you need to be prepared for rejection. There is no way around this, and it’s something that we all have to deal with. If your self-esteem is so fragile that you can’t handle rejection at all, then you could be in for a very lonely life. It doesn’t matter what you look like or what kind of personality you have – At some point you will be rejected.

This is probably one of the greatest “secrets” of all time and it took me a long time to realize how it worked and why it was so important in the grand scheme of things. One of the most amazing things about rejection is that if you are confident in your abilities and are prepared to handle rejection with some class and dignity, your rejection rate actually decreases.

Like any “failure” in life, rejection is pretty hard to take, initially. Hey, it’s a blow to your ego and many guys take it personally. After all, you are being rejected because you are not quite good enough. How can one not take that personally?

Well, from my experience, there are two things wrong with that way of thinking: First, there could be a number of reasons that she rejected you. It could have nothing to do with you at all – you’ll likely never know the real reason, unfortunately. Second, even if you are rejected because of the way you look or the way you act, that is her opinion only. You cannot unconditionally accept one person’s opinion as the absolute truth. Ok, she might not be attracted to you, but there is always someone out there that will think you are wonderful.

How do I know this? Well, I’ve experienced it many times in the past few years. The real secret here is not to dwell on rejection. If you allow one person’s opinion to wear away at your self-esteem and create negative energy, you will never meet anyone. This person is stealing power from you – don’t give them the satisfaction.

First Impressions - She's Already Made up Her Mind

First impressions are everything, especially in the dating world. Though you may not realize it, most times a potential mate will have you “figured out” within seconds of meeting. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless the image you are portraying is so negative that it kills any chance of a romantic encounter at all. Notice that there is a difference between the image you project, and the image you want to project.

Many women (even though they already have an impression of you burned in their minds) will, at least, allow you the opportunity to redeem yourself and disprove their preconceived notions. However, be aware that once that initial impression has been made, it is almost written in stone – you’ve got to be very persuasive to change it.

So, obviously, the solution is to make your first impression a good one - Sounds easy enough, but there are many things out of your control. Sure you can do everything in your power to appear confident and project a positive image, but what if you remind her of an ex-boyfriend who dumped her? What if you remind her of her brother? Perhaps you resemble that geeky, obnoxious guy at work – or the rude landlord. There can be many things that are simply out of your control. The sad thing is that you’ll never really know.

What’s even more amazing is the fact that she may not even be aware that she is making assumptions and forming opinions – at least, not on a conscious level. Human beings interpret things on many levels and while there is no logical reason for her to despise you, it can exist somewhere below the surface.

The good news is that this same principle works the other way. People may not be able to explain why they are inexplicably drawn to someone, yet it is a very real feeling.

Can appearance build self-confidence?

Can appearance build self-confidence?

In short, I would have to say, yes it does – but there are limitations.

I’ve always had a problem with confidence. I used to think that my weight, and the fact that I wore glasses, was responsible for my lack of self-esteem. Later in life, I started losing my hair and that was pretty much the third strike.

I basically spent most of my twenties submerged in computers, and the few jobs I managed to land dealt strictly with programming and data bases – very little human contact. This was fine with me because, while I felt that I’d never meet a woman, I could at least excel in something and get paid well for it. Let me tell you, this sounded a lot better in theory.

Ok, fast forward a few years. I have managed to lose a lot of weight over the past 2 years. In fact, you would never know that I had a weight problem by looking at me. I’ve also given up glasses in favour of contacts. All in all, you could say that I’m a different person.

Ok, do I feel more confident? Well, a little, but I still have a long way to go before I’m able to sit across from a pretty woman and be myself. The dates that I manage to struggle through go ok, considering, but I’d love to be able to feel a little more confident and enjoy the evening instead of dealing with that incredible nervousness I always feel. Maybe it’s normal. Maybe some guys deal with it a little better – who knows.

The fact of the matter is that true confidence needs to come from within – I’m absolutely sure of that now. While improving one’s appearance does help a little, true change must come from within.

So what’s the answer? Perhaps a few hours on the couch might help? Lol.

Dating and self-esteem issues

Last year, I started my dating challenge half cocked. I was setting myself up to fail and didn’t even realize it. Basically, I just threw myself out there, did what I thought was right, and expected results. Looking back at that now, I have to laugh. I mean, I had so many things going against me that it’s a wonder I was able to arrange the few dates I did.

Of course, I struck out on each of those three encounters. It’s one thing to set up a date, but an entirely different thing to make it work. I suppose nervousness had a lot to do with it.

Yes, being nervous will kill a date faster than anything. If you think that the other person doesn’t notice, then you are really kidding yourself. Of course my dates could see that I was nervous, but I felt powerless the stop it.

Why is there such a stigma put on this anyway? What’s wrong with being nervous on a first date? Well, apparently, a lot. The women I have dated seem to regard nervousness as a horrible character flaw.

However, looking at the big picture: If nervousness, lack of self-esteem, and lack of confidence are such horrible character flaws, then where does that leave the average guy? You can’t tell me that most guys would not show some nervousness on a first date. We all can’t be that confident. We all can’t live up to some pre-conceived notion of how a man should always appear calm, confident and in complete control.

Is there any help for the nervous guys of this world?

Of course there is, however, the answer is not found in the dating world. As I found out, my problem with confidence had nothing to do with my dating problems - actually, dating just added fuel to the fire.

No, my real problem ran a little deeper than that. Until I worked on my self-esteem issues, I’d be setting myself up for a lifetime of failure and stress in the dating world.

Dating, socializing, friendship - What are your expectations?

What are your expectations when it comes to socializing and dating?

That’s a question that I’ve been asking myself lately. For as long as I can remember, I’ve sat on the sidelines while the rest of society seemingly carried on flirting, socializing, dating – basically, enjoying life. Yes, I know, I viewed the rest of the world in a somewhat skewed manner.

Now, I’m not naïve enough to believe that everyone else lived their lives as though they were in a beer commercial; but still, I did feel cheated, put down, and robbed of that social connection everyone else seemed to enjoy. It was as if they belonged to an exclusive club that would never consider granting me membership.

Ok, now obviously, that way of thinking is wrong. Sure, there might be a few social circles that I’ll never have a chance with, but those are few and far between. The reality is that I have the capability to connect with people and have a healthy social life. I am capable of expanding my circle of friends.

Where do I need to start? Well, the biggest mistake I am making is that I have unrealistic expectations of how society functions. I’m not talking about dating exclusively, but socializing in general.

For example: I am not a handsome guy, yet I put myself down when women totally ignore me. I expect that they should pay attention to me, flirt, and treat me with kindness. When that doesn’t happen, I feel depressed, resentful, and hurt.

Obviously, I’m missing something here. My expectations are out of whack.

I expect people to be kind towards me.

I expect people to start conversations with me.

I expect to have a large group of friends.

I expect people to make the first move when striking up a conversation.

I expect women to flirt with me.

I expect women to be attracted to me.

I expect others to make first contact.

I expect to be invited to functions.

I expect to be included.

In the past year, I’ve had a major reality check. One thing I have been working on is my expectations. Now, I could have simply lowered my expectations and accepted the fact that society would pretty much ignore me. Low expectations, low results, and everything balances. Or, I could have made an effort to improve my situation, work hard, and earn that which I expected from people.

The keyword here is earned.

Feeble effort equals feeble results.

Dating - dressing for success

In the dating world, nothing gives you a bigger bang for your buck, and does more for your image, than dressing smartly. You literally have seconds to make a good first impression - and while you may not be able to do much about your physical look, you can at least increase your desirability by making an effort in the clothes department.

Think your date won’t notice your mismatched wardrobe and scruffy shoes? Guess again. Though she might not notice on a conscious level, make no mistake, you are being evaluated.

Besides losing weight, my biggest breakthrough came when I stopped dressing like a bum and invested in some new clothes. I was also surprised at how economically this could be done.

Here are 5 ways I was able to improve my wardrobe:

1. Try to get a second opinion before you go ahead and purchase an item. Better yet, take along a female friend. In my case, I asked my sister-in-law to come with me. I was amazing how much we disagreed about what looked good and what didn’t. In the end, she convinced me to try new things that were a little out of my comfort zone. Looking back now, I’m glad she did because she really has a great sense of what looks good on a guy.

2. Look in the latest magazines (yes, even women’s magazines) to get an idea of what is in style. Also take note of what the mannequins are wearing in the top clothing stores. Take note of how colors are used.

3. Buy things on sale. Good quality, stylish clothing is expensive. I never paid full price for anything I bought, and I was still able to get most of what I wanted. You might have to wait for some items, but getting a quality piece of clothing for the same price as a department store knockoff makes good sense. Besides, the department store item will have a cheap look that will be noticeable.

4. Take care of your investment. Launder your good clothes according to the manufactures label. Sounds obvious, but I ruined some very nice shirts by not following the directions. Also, keep your best cloths separate from your daily stuff. Less wear and tear means more money in your pocket.

5. Dress for your age and body style. If you are middle-aged and a little overweight – accept that fact. Nothing looks worse than someone dressing to look younger. Wear comfortably fitting clothing that compliments your age and body type.

That’s about it. The only other thing I can add to this is that you should never wear your worst looking clothes in public. I’m talking about putting on that horribly wrinkled shirt or those track pants to pop to the store for groceries. You may not be heading out on a date, but sometimes opportunity knocks in the most unexpected way. Imagine meeting the woman of your dreams while dressed like you slept in your clothes – can you say embarrassing?

Wear clean, stylish, wrinkle-free, everyday clothes in situations like that, because you never know who’s around the next corner.

Dating anxiety

Dating sites and introduction services are a good thing as long as you are ready to actually meet someone. My experience was mostly negative because of my confidence and self-esteem issues.

Creating dating site profiles and hanging around different bars and clubs wasted a lot of my time. I had other issues that I needed to take care of before I would have any success with these methods.

I needed to stop concentrating on romance and start looking inward.

Dating aside, my number one problem was insecurity and low self-esteem. How could I expect to meet someone when I had all that going on? I’m sure (well, actually, I know) that people can see right through me and I come off as anxious and nervous. In fact, it’s bad enough in everyday life, let alone in the dating world.

Yeah, it’s natural to feel a little nervous on a first date, but my level of nervousness caused me to behave in a peculiar way. Because of my nervousness, I would say and do things that sent out the “weirdo” vibes. Woman would pick up on this instantly and the date would end prematurely.

I experienced this many times. It’s discouraging because I had a hard enough time getting them to agree to go out on a date to begin with.

Deep down, I know I have a decent personality; it’s just that I become a different person when I am out in public. I’m not just talking about dating here. I have a difficult time meeting people and making friends in general. I’m sure it also has a lot to do with experience.

So, as you can see, I have other issues that run a little deeper than getting rejected by just about every woman I come into contact with.

Now, the real question is: Where do I start on my self-improvement?

Dating and a few tough lessons

The dating challenge was kind of a dumb idea. For those of you who haven’t been following things, check out the last 40 posts and you’ll get an idea of what I’ve been trying to accomplish during the past year.

Although things didn’t turn out great, it was a real eye-opener in the sense that I’ve learned some tough lessons. Here are some of them in no particular order:

I am not cut out for bars/clubs. I don’t know what made me think I’d have any amount of success in this high-pressure/high-competition venue. Some of my worst disasters happened there. Bottom line: I’m completely out of my element. Maybe some day I’ll have the confidence to give it another go, but for now – no.

I am too passive, nice, and agreeable. It’s not to say that one must act like a total jerk, but there can be too much of a good thing. Remember, there is a fine line between being too agreeable and being boring. This is not an attractive trait, because it always appeared that I had no will of my own. The “nice-guy” personality causes problems in other areas of my life also.

I failed to give the dating sites a fair chance. Given the fact that I now hate bars, this is one area that I intend to pursue right away. In hindsight, I think online dating is custom made for a guy like me. I will be working on a new profile soon. Of all the possibilities out there, I think this one has the greatest chance of succeeding.

I’ve learned that I have a lot of work to do on my confidence and self-esteem issues. I’ve got some very deep-rooted issues with self-esteem – the dating thing just magnifies everything times a hundred.

Looks are important. When I first started this challenge, I was overweight, sloppy, and I didn’t care. I got my appearance in order pretty darn quick because in dating, the first impression is crucial – like it or not, those are the rules. By the way, anyone can improve their appearance, no matter what they look like.

I couldn’t relax. I always appeared nervous and anxious around women – especially when I was out on a date. This was related to my lack of confidence, of course. If I make any headway in the area of self-esteem, I’m hoping this will be a non-issue.

I had no other interests, hobbies, talents, or pursuits. After the initial dinner, movie, coffee (whatever), I had nothing left. If they wanted to see me after that first date, I was stuck for things to do.

Also, having some other interests would have given me some personal satisfaction – let’s not forget that.

I failed to build other relationships (I had no friends). Having a good network of friends can do wonders for you. I remember meeting this one woman online and eventually we hooked up a few times for coffee. I think she was ok with my appearance and personality, but as it became apparent that I didn’t have many friends, I sensed that she assumed I was introverted and desperate.

And my final (and biggest) revelation:

Have some self-respect. I was much too hard on myself and felt guilty for everything. I now realize that it’s a two-way street, and that I wasn’t the only one at fault when things didn’t work out.

This last point is a biggie and one that many of us miss, I suspect.