Creating opportunity

Increasing my friendship base is not going to be easy. After all, most people my age are busy getting on with their lives. They run in different circles and are more likely to have common interests related to work, relationships, kids, and finding a great interest rate for their mortgage. I, on the other hand, am still living like a teenager in my parent’s basement.

Getting depressed over how miserable my life has turned out is not going to do anything for me, however. I’m not going to get bogged down with the past – what’s done is done.

As far as meeting new people… well, that might take a little creative thinking. I don’t want to just go out with the sole purpose of meeting new friends; that would just make me look desperate. I think a better approach would be to find something that truly interests me, and get involved with that. Meeting new people would just be a natural result of getting out and doing something.

Choosing an activity to get involved with should be fairly simple. I have a wide variety interests and hobbies.

I am thinking of joining a group through meetup.com or taking a night-school class at the local high school.

The only limitation I am going to place on this is that I want to get involved in an activity where the male/female ratio does not work against me. I’ve been in competitive situations like that before and I don’t do well.

I remember an automotive class I signed up for years ago. There were at least 12 guys and only one female. She was 40ish, and very, very plain looking. She was not the type to get a second look by any guy in public. However, in this class, she was treated like a queen. It was like some big competition between the men in the class to see who could get her attention. Of course, the better looking, more outgoing guys seemed to garner most of the attention. That left me sitting in the sidelines.

It’s all to do with supply and demand. Human behavior is bizarre at times.

New strategy - not looking for a date

“Do what you love, and the money will follow,” is some very sound, philosophical advice for entrepreneurs. It suggests that people stop trying so hard to get rich, and work at something they are passionate about. Do that well, and the money will follow.

There is a lot to be said for directing our efforts towards enjoying the journey instead of simply achieving the goal. While you should have a goal, the method you use to get there is equally important. Employing the “whatever it takes” approach, will not necessary guarantee success.

I’m sure this very idea can be applied to the dating world.

Asking women out, until one finally says yes, is a prime example of how one can easily become short-sighted. By playing the odds, you are almost certainly going to get a yes eventually, but at what cost? I personally couldn’t put myself through that much torture.

For a guy like me (not especially attractive) the “success through numbers” approach is painful and will probably not result in finding someone compatible anyway.

On the same note, continuing to lead my life “as is” will accomplish nothing. It’s obvious that this is not working for me and that I have to make an extra effort to meet women. Not to say that I need to start coming on to every person I meet - leering and lusting after women like some desperate, over-sexed pervert – but there has to be some middle-ground somewhere.

Nothing is as sad as desperation – and people pick up on this very easily. Yes, I hate to say it, but I’m sure that I come off as being desperate. What is the difference between that, and being forward? I would have to say looks and confidence. Unattractive guys come off as being needy, while good looking guys appear forward, and confident.

I’ve decided that, instead of trying so hard to meet someone, I might just start by trying to get out more and socialize. If this theory is right, then I should be able to attract someone by just being myself, getting out, and doing my own thing. The worst that can happen is that I make a few friends; and that’s not entirely bad.

If looks count, then what's left for me?

Here’s a question I’ve asked myself time and time again: Where can I go to meet women? Online dating sites don’t seem to work for me, I can’t function in bars, I don’t have any friends that know women, and I don’t naturally attract people in public. Sure I can try approaching potential dates and making small talk, but again, since I’m not that attractive, I won’t make a good first impression.

Ok, I’m not being too hard on myself, I’m just facing facts. I can’t pretend that I’m someone I’m not and that everything will work itself out. I have to come to terms with things and accept myself before I can move on. It’s no big deal. This is the hand I was dealt, and this is all I have to work with.

Ok, so obviously, the direct approach doesn’t work for me – I can live with that. But does it mean that I have to resign myself to a life of solitude? Surely, there must be a better way to get out there and get a foot in the door. I’ve just got to find something that I’m comfortable with. Once the pressure is off, I should be fine.

I can function ok once I get to know a person. In fact, I’m convinced that the only way I will ever meet anyone, and have them interested in me, is if we meet under non-romantic circumstances first. Beauty is skin deep, as they say.

The dating sites have taught me a few valuable lessons – even though they were mostly negative. They taught me that a guy like me has got to work a little harder, and be a little more creative, when trying to meet women.

I created several profiles on many dating sites - some with my picture, and others without. I got no responses at all from the sites that had my pic. I did get a few responses from the sites that did not have my picture in the profile, but in every instance, the women I was messaging back and forth stopped communicating after I sent a photo. Hard truth, but at least I’m not fooling myself.

So the problem is that I can’t break through the physical appearance barrier. I’m finished before I even start. I need another approach – something less direct.

There has got to be a way to meet someone without the whole dating/relationship thing hanging over our heads. I need to meet women in a totally non-romantic setting – a setting where the idea of dating and hooking up would be far down the list.

I know this goes against the advice of many of the great dating gurus, but I’ve always thought that their techniques relied heavily upon one’s appearance.

No, the only way I’m ever going to meet anyone is to meet them in a non-romantic way first. I’m certain of that.

Getting out socially

Bars and pickup spots are not my thing. Even if I do eventually get to the point where I feel comfortable, I still don’t think this is the best way to meet people. While there is a lot to be said for instant chemistry, I prefer to get to know people as well. There is so much more to a person than just physical appearance. Now, I’m not saying that you couldn’t meet the girl of your dreams in a nightclub. It’s just that, in my case, the odds would be slim.

The thing with noisy clubs is that physical appearance dominates the stage. Generally, the music is so loud that people have little else to work with. It’s not like you can start up a conversation and introduce yourself – shouting in someone’s ear is not my idea of a stimulating conversation. Without the ability to converse, physical appearances are vital. Having the right look can speak volumes without having to say a word. I know - I’ve seen it happen many times. Some guys just have the right look – a way to communicate effectively without saying anything.

Now, for me, that’s a different story. I don’t have the look. Well, I do have a look, but it’s not conducive to picking up women. Even if I were thin at this point, I still don’t think I would have what it takes to “work the floor.”

So what is the alternative for a guy like me? Well, I think exposure is the key. I need to get out more and make myself visible. Not necessarily with the intent to hit on women, but to simply mingle a little more on a social level.

Yes, I think I might be trying a little too hard. It’s been suggested by a few close friends that I try too hard. They stopped short of saying that I give out desperate vibes, but I read between the lines.

Isn’t it true that sometimes, the more you try, the harder it is to attract people – that goes for friends or romantic interests.

Some guys have great success with hitting directly on women because they have looks and confidence going for them. Although they are very forward, they don’t come off as being desperate. I, however, do come off as being desperate and it causes women to back off immediately. It’s human nature, I suppose.

So, I’m going to concentrate on simply getting out more and see what happens. In a way, it’s a relief not to have the usual “must meet women” mentality. The worse that could happen is that nothing happens, but at least I’m creating the opportunity. Sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself, pissed off at the hand I’ve been dealt, is not creating opportunity.

Let’s face it: The more I get out, the greater the chance that someone could walk into my life. And no, I’m not simply waiting for fate to throw someone into my arms, but I am waiting for a chance to meet and get to know someone.

Things are improving. Well, appearance wise anyway. Since last Thursday, I have traded in my old glasses for a more stylish pair, got my first set of contacts, got a new haircut, and went shopping for some new clothes (with some help from my sister-in-law). I feel like a new man.

The new glasses are quite different. They are much smaller than the old ones and, personally, I think they make my eyes look too close together and beady. Now, the contacts will take some getting used to. I can only wear them for a few hours, then it feels like my eyes are full of grit – apparently, I’ll get used to them as my eyes adjust.

I only bought one new outfit because I’m losing weight at a fairly decent rate, and I don’t want to waste my money on clothes I’ll never wear.

Yesterday, I decided to put in the contacts and try on the new clothes. As I stood there in the mirror, no glasses, new haircut and fashionable clothes, I thought I looked pretty good - at least good enough not to have women running away, or laughing - maybe even decent enough to risk striking up a conversation. I mean, I’m still overweight, but I don’t look sloppy anymore. I look at least as good as any other average guy out there. My daily visit to the gym must be doing something. I’m sure I’m not imagining this.

Yes, I felt good. It took a little getting used to, but for once in my life, I wasn’t staring back at an overweight, textbook geek. I was actually pleased with my appearance. However, I do need to lose another 30 lbs.

Now comes the tough part – putting myself out there to see what happens. While I feel pretty good, I could also be kidding myself.

I’m apprehensive right now because I’m still overweight. I would love to be able to lose the weight first, but that would take a long time. Too long, actually - because the last thing I want to do right now is wait another 6 months until I reach my ideal weight. I’m going to have to chance it, and hope that my new image will be enough to get me through.

Primal attraction

The results from the television experiment don’t surprise me. In fact, they don’t really even bother me that much. Why? Because, I have always known that humans are attracted to other good-looking humans. It’s hard-wired into us. It’s genetic.

I know that beating myself up because I’m not one of the beautiful people of the world, is a waste of time. I’m never going to change who I am, so why not make the best of it and improve the areas that I do have control over? Wishing I was someone else will not buy me anything.

The thing that surprised me, though, was the fact that good-looking people, in general, are treated better by the rest of society, without a second thought being given. And this goes much deeper than the obvious physical attraction between a man and a woman. I mean, I could handle the fact that a woman is not attracted to me, but if I were to be passed over for a promotion, or given lousy service based on my looks (the bar in this television show) – well that, I have a problem with.

Yet, I’m sure it goes on all around us – mostly low-key, yet still a reality. Hey, people may not even be aware of the fact that they are giving preferential treatment to someone based on some genetic, primal attraction – and, of course, giving lousy service to the poor shlubs of the world (me).

Oh well; as long as it’s not intentional – we know it’s hard to fight those primal urges.

A social experiment – analysis

The television crew and the actors did a full evaluation of the social experiments they conducted. I believe there were 4 different scenes that they performed. In each case, the conclusion was that the better looking a person is, the nicer they are treated. They seemed to all agree that good-looking people could get away with more and always end up smelling like roses. People just seemed to want to be around these individuals.

Also, it wasn’t a matter of guy verses girl. As a matter of fact, they concluded that gender only made a slight difference in how people treated others. For example: A good looking guy was treated favorably by both males and females – and vice-versa.

The actors were interviewed a day later and it was quite interesting to hear what they had to say. The Brad Pitt look-alike was very interesting to listen to. He said that he was miserable during his short duration as an unattractive nobody. He was shocked at how cruel and unfeeling people could be. He then admitted that he took his appearance for granted and that he could not imagine never being able to switch back to one of the beautiful people.

Yeah, I felt so bad for him, having to endure that for an hour!

I often wonder what it would be like to have good looks and a winning personality. Well, in all honesty, I don’t think I have a bad personality; it’s just that I can’t get people to look past my appearance – sigh…

In any case, this experiment certainly spoke volumes about human behavior and how people are categorized by others. I always knew I was discriminated against because of my looks, but to see it in black-and-white like that really opened my eyes.

For someone in my circumstance, the situation is bleak. Sure I can lose weight, and make cosmetic changes, but the fact remains that I am still not one of the beautiful people of the world. I will never experience that preferential treatment.

But then again, that’s like saying that I’ll be depressed for the rest of my life because I’ll never be as rich as Bill Gates. That is not reasonable, and it’s ridiculous to get upset over it.

The only comfort I have is in the knowledge that the majority of humans are not gorgeous. Most of us “normal” folk are just average, and it’s the hand that was dealt to us. In my case, I have the opportunity to lose weight and fix up my physical appearance somewhat, but there is a limit to how much that will buy me.

So, I can continue feeling sorry for myself because I was not born beautiful, or I can accept things as they are and get on with life.

Do looks matter? A social experiment - Part 2

Another segment of this documentary that really got me thinking was the scene at the bar.

They used two actors for this. The first was a Brad Pitt look-alike, and the other could have been mistaken for Jessica Simpson. In other words, he was a pretty boy, and she was flat-out gorgeous. They were both fitted with tiny cameras in the buttons of their clothing.

In the first scene, both people entered the lounge separately (about five minutes apart). Both actors made small talk with the doorman as they entered, and it was like they had known each other all their lives. He was equally friendly towards both people. They even shared a few laughs.

For the test, they had both actors sit at opposite ends of the room as they ordered drinks.


The servers were both good-looking young women, and the bartender was a twenty-something jock. Other than that, there were only a few customers in the place.


The male actor relaxed in his chair, looked confidently (bordering on cocky) around the bar and made eye contact with one of the waitresses. She came over and he started flirting with her right away. She was all smiles and giggles, and I’m sure he could have got her number at the drop of a hat.

The female actor was treated almost as well by the other waitresses – it was like they were sisters - just one big happy family.

In fact, both actors got exemplary service.

After about an hour, the male actor got up and approached the bartender. They engaged in a little small talk and a laugh, and then he asked the barkeep to bring a drink over to the young lady (actor #2). He smiled and gave him a wink. He brought it over; she smiled and raised her glass to actor #1. 10 minutes later, she went over to his table amidst smiles from the bar staff. And they lived happily ever after…

Now, a week later, the television crew prepared for the same routine, except that this time they made up the male to look a little less attractive. They gave him some body padding to simulate excess weight, added some latex to his face and scalp area to create a chubby face and receding hairline, gave him an overbite, and dressed him in the most awful outfit I’ve ever seen.

The female actor was different this time, because they didn’t want to skew the test results (the staff may have thought she went off with that handsome guy a few days ago). This woman might have been even better-looking than the previous, if that were at all possible.

They followed the same script as the last time. She entered first and then he entered about 5 minutes after.

She was greeted in a very predictable manner. From the flirtatious doorman to the smiling bartender, she was treated like a queen.

Now, this is where things started to go bad. As the guy walked up the steps, he was greeted by the doorman. Instead of a cheerful smile, the doorman looked him over and, with a gruff voice, said, “Hello sir,” as he held the door open for the actor. Keep in mind that he was only doing his job and nothing else. If there were a requirement to greet customers with a friendly smile, this guy would have failed miserably.

Upon entering the bar, the actor looked around and was greeted with curious looks from the staff. He sat down in the same chair and waited for someone to come over and take his order. He waited…and waited.

After a few minutes, a waitress came over, looked him up and down, and said, “What can I get you?” No smile. No flirting. No small talk. He gave her his order, she nodded and left without saying a word.

Throughout the meal, the guy was being ignored, while actor #2 enjoyed some nice friendly hospitality.

The icing on the cake came when actor #1 went to the bar and tried to strike up a conversation with the bartender. The barkeep was civil enough, but kept the conversation very professional.

When the guy asked him to bring the lady over a drink, he smiled (on the verge of laughing) and said, “I think you got your signals crossed, buddy. I don’t think that’s a good idea. He turned his back and walked away.

Actor #1 then went over to actor #2 and started talking to her. The doorman was there in 2 seconds and asked if the gentleman was bothering her.

Not wanting to upset everyone, she said no, and actor #1 went back to his table.

The waitress came over to actor#2 and started talking about how much nerve some people have. It was almost like she assumed the women would never go for a guy like that, and “how dare he approach a beautiful woman so much out of his league.”

Actor #1 had no further communication with anyone. His server asked if there was anything else then handed him the bill.

He left a few minutes later amidst stern looks from the bar staff.

Do looks matter? A social experiment - Part 1

A few years ago, I was watching a documentary about a social experiment that featured several actors placing themselves in real public situations. First, as themselves (they were all good-looking and fit), and later with modifications made to their looks. These modifications included makeup to make them look less attractive. In some instances makeup combined with body padding was used to accomplish this.

I believe it was on a public television channel. Now, it’s been a few years, and some of the details may be sketchy, but there were two experiments that I still remember because they struck a chord with me.

The first one involved a gorgeous, fit woman trying to return an item to a retail store. The item was badly damaged and was almost certainly dropped. She was to ask for a refund from the returns desk. To make it interesting, she waited for a male counter-person to help her.

As she approached the counter in the first store, she was greeted by a middle aged guy with a big dorky grin on his face. She smiled and showed him the object. After a few minutes of flirting, she was handed her refund with smile. He told her that the pleasure was his and to have a nice day (the grin didn’t leave his face the whole time).

She then repeated the process at two other stores and got another “cheery” refund and one refusal. By the way, the refusal was from a female clerk.

Now, the same woman was made-up to look very unattractive. They fitted her with foam body panels that gave the impression that she was very overweight, added a mole and some wrinkles to her face, a latex nose and a wig. Her clothes were ill-fitting and out of style. There was no way that you could tell this was the same person.

The next day, they sent her to the same store to return an item that was legitimately defective (not just dropped). She waited for the same clerk and then approached the counter. He greeted her with a very bored, business like stare. He could not tell that this was the gorgeous female he had been talking to yesterday. She looked 20 years older and 60 lbs heavier. His comments were straight to the point and on the verge of being rude.

Even though the item was obviously defective, he proceeded to grill her with questions. She was eventually given a refund (he had no choice really) and instead of telling her to have a nice day, he simply walked away.

Even though she was an actor, you could see the look of disappointment at having been “rejected” by this individual as she exited the store.

They repeated the same test at the other two stores, and she was given the same treatment – except that the female clerk treated her in the same disinterested manner that she had before. In all three cases, she was given a refund simply because it was legitimate.

The next example was of a guy in a bar. I could definitely relate to this one. I’ll talk about that in my next post.