What creates desire?

Writing this blog reminded me of something I heard years ago - the advice came from a friend of my brother. This guy was, and always had been, a ladies man. He seemed to have an unlimited amount of charm and an endless number of prospects.

After finishing off a bottle of single-malt scotch one night, we started talking about our theories on women. His experience was that the secret to attracting women and creating desire is to have something that they want. After all, if they don’t want it, nothing in this world is ever going to change that.

At the time, I dismissed it as drunken rambling, but looking back now, I should have taken the time to understand what he was really saying. Yes, he may have been drunk, but he still got 10 times the amount of women the rest of us did. I should have listened, because he, in fact, was walking the walk and talking the talk.

Looking back, I think I can now appreciate what it was he meant. He was saying that there has to be something about the other person that creates an attraction - there must be something they want (Duh…). Ok, yes that’s fairly obvious, but isn’t it funny how many of us miss that critical bit of the puzzle?

In all honesty, you could be the nicest guy in the world, but unless you have something that she desires, there is no hope of ever creating any attraction.

What creates desire? Isn’t that the million dollar question? If I knew that, then I would be further ahead than most guys out there.

Taking a few steps back

So, I spent the weekend thinking about the best way to approach my problem and the challenge. I brainstormed a whole whack of ideas and strategies, but as it turned out, I was too busy looking for the quick and easy solution, while the obvious starting point was staring me in the face. It was me – I needed to start working on my own self-improvement.

Most methods, strategies, tips, tricks, are superficial anyway. Maybe some of it works, I don’t know. But even so, having the best technique doesn’t mean a thing to someone that is unable to use it properly. The smoothest pickup lines in the world won’t do me a bit of good because I’m still me.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that my problems run deeper than simply not being able to hook up with women. I think I need to address a much larger issue – one that centers on my own self-esteem, confidence and personality issues.

The truth is that dating is really only a very small part of a larger picture. The reality is that I seem to put off people in general. That would account for having only one good friend. This is, indeed, a sad realization to arrive at.

Ok, well if that’s what it’s going to take to get started, let’s just forget about women and dating for a moment and take a few steps back.

Meeting women - a numbers game?

A good friend of mine once suggested that the problem was not with me, but with the women I approached. Well, that and my low attempt rate. He suggested using the “success through numbers” theory where I would literally try to start a conversation with every woman I saw. He reasoned that the law of averages would be on my side, if nothing else.

Well, all I can say is that, in my case, playing the odds didn’t make much difference – I just got rejected more often. Needless to say, my self-esteem couldn’t take that for very long.

Things haven’t changed much since then. I still get rejected by almost every woman I attempt to talk to. Some are polite about it, and some a little more abrupt, but in the end it amounts to the same thing – rejection.

I think my problems go a little deeper than that. Throwing myself at women I meet is not the answer. I think I need to concentrate on the quality of my attempts and not quantity.

While some guys do have success with sheer numbers, I’ll bet they have more going for them than I do.

An offer I "can" refuse

Well, I’ve decided that I’m not going to get caught up in the negative feedback I’m getting from the dating sites. By the way, I received a great offer on one of those sites. It seems that there is this heiress overseas that is trying to make it to the US so she can gain access to a lost family fortune. All I have to do is front her the money to get over here, and she will split the proceeds with me. Oh, and she will also become my faithful life-long companion, if I so choose. How can I go wrong?

Sorry baby, I’m broke.

On a more serious note, I’m going through all my options and trying to figure out the best way to start this challenge. I’m already a week into it and I feel like I’ve done nothing. Well, that’s not entirely true, I did do a little homework with the dating sites, so I at least know where I’m starting.

And where am I starting? Rock bottom, that’s where.

The results are in (some, anyway)

As promised, here are the results of the dating sites and rating sites I posted my profile to a few days ago. The bottom line is not great. I keep reminding myself that it’s only been a few days, so things might improve.

I posted my profile on 12 different dating sites (fortunately, there are a lot out there). These are free sites that provide members with full access. I posted my photo with each submission, along with a fairly detailed and well-written bio. I did not lie or exaggerate on any profiles (although the urge was there). I needed to have genuine information in my details because I need honest feedback.

As far as the rating sites go, 8 of the dating sites had a rating system. Additionally, I submitted my pic to three “rating only” sites.

I also contacted three women – all had pictures, and all very different from one another.

The first was very good-looking with a well-written bio. The second was extremely good-looking (way, way out of my league) and had a poor description and bio (lots of spelling mistakes and each paragraph started with, “and like…”). The third was not very attractive, but had a great bio and seemed very intelligent.

I sent the same message to each. It was along the lines of: “Hi, I’m Dan. Your profile caught my eye…”

Here are the results so far:

I got zero inquires from people that wanted to know more about me. I heard back from one woman I sent a message to. It was the beautiful one with the badly written bio. Three words: “you’re kidding, right?” Then she proceeded to block me.


Lastly, I received a few ratings from the “hot-or-not” sites. All three sites rated me very low (although one only had a single respondent). There were also a few comments. One guy said, “Dude, are you kidding?” I assume it was a guy anyway. The other comment sounded like it was from some schoolgirl and it said, “ewww.” The last comment was simply a laughing happy face (that was actually from a dating site with a rating system).

Anyway, I feel like sh*t, so enough for today.

It's worse than I thought

While I’m waiting for the results to come back from the dating sites, I thought I would give a little more thought as to other preliminary work that needs to be done. I made a list of my obvious shortcomings and ways that I could improve things. Here they are in no particular order:

Problem 1-
My physical appearance is horrendous. I mean, I’m literally a train-wreck. I’m at least 50 lbs overweight, I’m badly out of shape, my glasses are circa 1990 (just as the large diameter lenses where being phased out), I’ve had the same haircut for 20 years, I have a perspiration/odor problem due to my weight, and I’m almost completely bald.

Problem 2-
I have low self-esteem and zero confidence.

Problem 3-
I have no communication skills whatsoever. I can’t handle even the simplest conversation, let alone perform well on a date. I can talk about computers and high-tech topics all day, but when it comes to everyday conversation, I’m lost. I’m only capable of boring people to death with one of my techy monologs. I always come off as being a know-it-all, even though I try not to be. I suppose I’m trying to make up for the fact that I’m a loser in every other area of my life. This generally turns people off.

Problem 4-
I have no social graces, I don’t know how to conduct myself properly in most social settings, I have no table manners (actually no manners period), and I lack the skills required to function on a date (i.e. knowledge of food, wine, proper restaurant etiquette). I’m also lacking in other social abilities such as dancing skills (I can’t, nor will I try to dance) etc…

Problem 5-
I’m flat broke, unemployed, and live with my mother.

Problem 6-
I have no friends. Well, maybe one, but no friends that would enable me to get out and meet new people. My one friend is in the same situation that I am.

Wow, there’s too much to talk about in one post so I’ll likely take one problem per day and talk about solutions in upcoming entries.

A real evaluation

Having a plan is a good thing. When I started this blog, I didn’t have one. Sure, I knew basically what I wanted to do, but no thought had really gone into how I would implement the challenge.

So, I spent the last few days thinking about things. I thought of different ways to “get out there” and make things happen. I also gave a lot of consideration to my abilities and how thick-skinned I need to be to accomplish a lot of it.

I figured that the first thing I would do is take inventory. I assume that I have nothing of any value as far as personality and looks, but I need to hear it from others. Who knows, maybe I’m being too hard on myself.

Why would I intentionally humiliate myself like that? Well, the truth hurts, but as painful as it may be, it’s necessary. I need to know exactly what I have to work with and where I’ll be starting from.

Asking family and friends for their opinion is one option, but I don’t think I’ll get the honesty I need here. No, what I really need is the stark truth from as many people as possible - the more, the better. That’s why I’ve started by posting my picture and profile on several dating sites that have a rating system. I also posted my pic on the “Hot or Not” website.

That was yesterday – I’ll give it a few more days before I look at the results. To add insult to injury, I also wrote to a few good-looking women on these dating sites. Nothing major, just a friendly “Hi – how are you? My name is Dan…”

I feel it’s important to include a photo because I need a full evaluation and that can only be achieved by providing as much information as possible.

I really dread the responses. I can tell you now that it’s going to be bad. Just how bad, we’ll have to wait and see.

Nothing to lose

If you’re wondering why I intend to go through with this and what ultimately led me to this course of action, then read along…

Basically, I’m at the end of my rope, so to speak. I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I can see nothing changing in the next 20+ years. What I have been doing up until now is not working, so there is no reason to believe that anything will change unless I deliberately change it.

By the way, my love-life is not the only area that is hurting right now, but it is one that is constantly on my mind. I actually think I could live with very little else, as long as I had someone to share it with.

I’m at the point now where I have nothing to lose. There is no way I could sink any lower. I’m not saying this because I feel sorry for myself, or want sympathy from people; I am simply stating a fact.

It’s amazing what is possible when a person is pushed to the limit – when all hope is lost and there is nothing to lose. When you can say, “I don’t give a f**k” (and really mean it), endless possibilities open up because you have nothing to protect anymore.

That’s where I am right now. My resolve and determination are only over-shadowed by my willingness to publicly humiliate myself. Because that’s what it’s going to take – a willingness to do whatever it takes to reach my goal.

Do I want to humiliate myself? No, of coarse not, however, I will, if that’s what it takes.

So, that’s about it in a nutshell -nothing extraordinary, just a guy that has had enough. A guy that’s tired of being a nobody, excluded, and lonely - Someone that is tired of taking a back-seat and forced to live in the background of society while everyone else carries on with their wonderful lives.

Ok, ok, maybe that’s a little too dramatic, but you get the point.

About Me

Hi, my name’s Dan. I originally started this blog around the summer of 06 as a way to log my daily progress as I worked towards the goal of getting a girlfriend by Sept 07 (about 1 year). The goal was to get a fulltime girlfriend within one year. Man, talk about lame.

Looking back now, I realize how naïve I was about how the real world worked when it came to women and dating. Yet, that was me: Mr. naïve. I was 32 years old, a virgin, I had no job, I lived with my parents, and I had no prospects in terms of my career or my love life. Some might have branded me a loser (heh).

The good news is that I’m no longer that person. I’ve made some major improvements in my life and I now date different women on a regular basis. I always thought that what I was missing was a fulltime girlfriend – I couldn’t have been more wrong.

It’s now 2008 and I’m doing more with my life than I could have imagined – especially in the dating area. I don’t claim to have all the answers to attracting and dating women, but I have learned a few techniques that work wonders (well, more than a few) – and I am dedicating this blog to talking about them.

I suppose what I’m really saying is that if I can do it, anyone can do it. I truly mean that. Look, I was a pathetic loser in every sense of the word. Women cringed when I came near. They all looked at me like I had some kind of disease and treated me like something stuck to their shoe. I’m not proud of who I was back then, but I’m thankful I got up off my ass and did something about it.

Anyway, here is the unedited version of “About Me” written in 2006 – just as I started this blog. You might find it amusing – I know I do!

From 2006

The purpose of this blog is to document my day-to-day activities as I strive for an almost impossible goal: Getting a girlfriend within the period of one year.

You may ask what the big deal is, but if you read on, I’ll try to explain.

My name is Dan, and as incredibly strange as that sounds, I’ve decided to start a blog that will document the progress of someone who has almost never dated, still a virgin, and definitely does not attract women. In fact, I repel women.

I can count the number of dates I've had in my life on one hand. And they haven't been good dates either - total disasters, in fact.

I don’t date because:

1. I don’t attract women.
2. I have zero confidence and low self-esteem
3. I get extremely nervous in the presence of women I’m attracted to.
4. I’m overweight at 5’9 and 220 lbs.
5. I’m not good-looking.
6. I live with my parents
7. I’m unemployed
8. I have few friends
9. I’m not motivated to try

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that I’m 32 years old. So I suppose you could say that I’m a little behind the eight-ball in the dating department.

Ok, having said all that, I still believe there is hope for me – otherwise I wouldn’t be doing this.

On the positive side, there is only one way to go from here, and that’s up. The way things are at the moment, there is no way that I could be in worse shape. I’m starting with nothing and I’m hoping that by September 2007, I’ll have had a few dates and hopefully a permanent girlfriend.