Dating Tips For Guys

How to Meet Women

2009-07-30T09:41:00.001-04:00

Men like things that make sense. We repair cars, build furniture, and spend our free time cursing tiny model ships in bottles. All of these things have clear cut systems and “how-to” procedures that make them possible to achieve, and that's what we like: instructions. Sure sure, we men are renowned for refusing to ask for directions, but the truth is we like a system that has clear cut goals and methods that allow us to reach them. But what's that have to do with meeting women? Well, as tricky and unique as women are, you can develop a general system for meeting them that works.

The truth of the matter is guys meet women everyday. You meet women in the grocery store, at work, on the bus or subway, in line at the bank. Everywhere. The trick is being able to turn these brief chance encounters into a date, and then series of dates that lead ultimately to a relationship.

Remember, you're making first impressions all the time. You might be thinking about leaving the house in your cutoffs and the tank top you mow the lawn in fellas, after all “nobody important” is going to see you, or are they? If you want to meet women, you have to remember that you might meet a woman doing anything, going anywhere. Be prepared for this chance. That means ditch the rags and pull on some decent threads, even if you're just running out to the store real quick.

You may be inclined to think that bars and clubs are good places to meet women, and for some people they probably are. But the truth is that for most of us, we'd be better off meeting somebody in a grocery store, gym, or even a public pool. Most people go to clubs or bars to do two things: drink, and “hook up.” This means that a large number of people in any given bar are either bouncing from disposable relationship to disposable relationship, or worse, they're alcoholic. If you approach a woman in a gym, or grocery store, you don't have to compete with any loud music or pushy drunk people. You can also use the casual setting to help you find things in common so you have something to talk about if you do get her to agree to a date.

Meeting women is easy. You do it all the time, every day, everywhere. You just need to spend a little time making sure you look presentable. Then casually express interest and see if you can get a date. Remember, in the end, if you don't ask, the answer is always “no.”

A Few Minor Changes Can Revive Your Social Life!

2009-07-21T09:46:00.005-04:00

Do you ever get the feeling that you're missing out on most of what life has to offer? Do you feel like you're running out of chances to meet the girl of your dreams? Are you finding it incredibly difficult to meet women while most other guys seem to be having the time of their lives? Well, what you may not realize is that you've got every opportunity they have, you just need to change the way you look at things. Most importantly, you need to change the way you approach the concept of women and dating.

Basically, what it all comes down to is the way you're projecting your personality – the way other people are perceiving you. Though it may not be readily apparent, there's a good chance that you're not coming across as the guy you want to be, or can be. For this reason, it's vitally important to identify your weaknesses. Try getting the opinion of a trusted friend – what you're looking for is a real, honest opinion of how you come across to people.

Though the truth may hurt, it's important to know where you're making your mistakes before you can improve on things. Are you coming across as self-conscious, introverted, or tentative? Or do you tend to overwhelm people with your boisterous personality? Either way, there are certainly things about your personality that you can improve on and having outside opinion is worth its weight in gold.

So why can't you simply analyze your own personality and make the required changes? Well the problem is that you've gotten used to who you are and, in your mind, there is nothing wrong with the way you come across to people.

When it comes to meeting and dating women, there is a good chance that you're making some crucial mistakes that you don't even realize. Oftentimes, all it takes is a little tweak here and there and you'll see an incredible difference in your social life. For most people, it's simply a matter changing a few minor personality traits.

Even Average Guys Can Date Attractive Women - If They Have the Right Attitude

2009-07-03T11:07:00.001-04:00

Are you convinced that only good looking, charismatic, successful guys get attractive women? Well, that's what I thought a few years back when I first started this blog, but I can confidently say after meeting and dating my fair share of women that nothing could be further from the truth. A lot has changed in my life since than – in fact, you could say that my entire outlook on women and life in general is completely different.

Originally, I started this blog as a kind of personal diary and a challenge to myself to get a full-time girlfriend within the period of one year. Just looking back at that now makes me realize how little I knew about women, dating, and my own potential to get out there and find/create my own happiness.

If you've read any of my previous stuff, you'll know that I had been carrying around a lot of emotional baggage back then. Everything from my weight, to my receding hairline, to my glasses – It just seemed that I really had nothing going for me at all.

Even after losing a ton of weight, getting contacts, and updating my wardrobe, I still didn't feel particularly confident. This really started getting me down because it almost seemed as though all that work was for nothing. Inside, I was the same insecure person I always was.

So what changed?

Well, I think my biggest epiphany came when I was on the verge of giving up completely. I was so tired of trying to be someone I wasn't just to attract women. It just wasn't me and as a result, I was failing miserably. I realized right there and then that I was just trying a little to hard. As a result, I stopped putting such an emphasis on the end result and adopted the attitude that whatever happened, happened.

Looking back, I'm sure that I was giving off desperation vibes like crazy. It's no wonder I couldn't attract anyone.

An amazing thing happened once I was able to do this. I actually started getting more women to talk to me. As amazing as that sounds, the less attention I payed to them, the more friendly they became. I know there are a lot of theories out there about this, but it actually did work for me – I honestly never would have believed it if I hadn't experienced it for myself.

To be honest, I had tried this hard-to-get tactic in the past, but I was never able to pull it off because I was making one small mistake. I wasn't playing hard to get, I was completely ignoring them. There is a huge difference. If you ignore women completely, don't expect them to be falling all over you – unless, of course, you are so good looking they just can't help themselves. Not only that, but it requires no effort at all to ignore people – it's the easiest thing in the world.

Acting with confidence while charming a woman - well, that's something different altogether. That actually does take effort.

When it's all said and done, it really is a very delicate balancing act. You want to impress her and get closer, but at the same time, you want to come off as if your whole world isn't riding on whether she likes you or not. Be confident, personable, charming, funny, and sincere, but slightly aloof. Never show desperation – even when you think things are going well. In other words, never show your hand.

Falling For Every Woman

2009-03-20T13:36:00.002-04:00

In my last post, I talked about the importance of making contact with more than one woman. In other words, it's always a good idea to have a few options. If you want to know the truth, this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The main reason is that I have a tendency to fall for a woman very easily.

It can be a real problem when you're trying to play the field and exploring your options. As I mentioned in my last post, putting all your efforts into one person and then having them reject you for whatever reason is not a sensible thing to do.

Eventually, I started dating more and meeting more women. As a result, my tendency to start falling for the first woman I talked to seemed to diminish. I remember as a teenager being teased by my older brothers saying that the first woman who kissed me I'd ask to marry. I suppose they weren't far off on their prediction.

Throughout high school and college, I dated very little and I tended to be somewhat clingy with anyone that showed me even the slightest bit of interest. A lot of this had to do with my low self-esteem and confidence - but that's another story.

The bottom line is that I've discovered that by playing the field and making contact with as many women as possible, I was able to make a more mature and sensible decision as far as who I wanted to get serious with. It's not that I have 20 women at my beck and call, because I'm just an average looking guy; but I discovered that didn't matter anyway. If you put your mind to it, you can get out there and meet tons of people. Anyone can do this - I'm proof of that.

Don't Put All Your Eggs in One Basket

2009-03-06T16:44:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in my last post, you're not really doing yourself any favors by trying to be someone you're not. Eventually it's all going to come down like a house of cards. So, you are simply postponing the inevitable.

One huge mistake I used to make (and I still make sometimes) is that I simply bet everything on one woman. I'd concentrate all my efforts on one particular person and painstakingly tried to polish my act in order to get her to like me. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. Any guy who has success with women will tell you that this is a bad idea. It's much better to spread yourself around and have more options.

By not zeroing in on one particular woman, you're better able to play the numbers game - and, quite often, that's exactly what it takes in order to have success in the dating world. Let's face it: not every woman is going to like you. Don't worry, and don't take it personally; that's simply the way it is. There are no two people on the face of this planet that are exactly alike. Sometimes there is simply no chemistry, and other times there are extenuating circumstances that you're not even aware of. Often, it goes past a simple compatibility issue.

By having more than one option available to you, you are creating a much bigger advantage and eventual chance at happiness. While some people may think this approach may be a little on the sleazy side, I beg to differ. It's not like you have to sleep with every partner you come in contact with.

Besides, your true soul mate may actually be out there somewhere while you're wasting your time with someone that isn't your type. You're never going to know this unless you date different people. That is a fact and there's no way around it.

In my case, I quickly realized that my tendency to concentrate on only one person at a time was really my own lack of self-esteem and confidence. Once I was comfortable with one person, I found it difficult to stretch the boundaries and really get out there and try different things. As they say: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Well, that's not exactly the greatest advice in the dating world, unfortunately.

Just be Yourself

2009-03-02T13:34:00.002-05:00

As a single guy, and one who is relatively inexperienced in the dating world, one of the toughest challenges I've ever faced was to simply be myself. For some reason, once I was out in public around women, I assumed a different personality because I didn't like my own. This new "me" was always trying to be funny, clever, interesting, and likable. What I usually came off as was a desperate, needy guy who was trying to seek approval and attention from everyone.

To tell you the truth, I'm not sure exactly why I couldn't be myself around women. It's not like I had a horrible personality when I was just being me. Yes, I may not have been as talkative, clever, or funny, but I was sincere, down-to-earth and could carry a pretty good conversation.

It's only been within the last year or so that I've realized being yourself is not entirely bad. Heck, if they don't like me, then at least I won't be wasting anyone's time, including my own. Ultimately, if you establish any kind of relationship, your real personality is going to come out anyway - so why prolong it?

I think the problem many guys have is fear of failure. They would rather seek approval from everyone even if it means that they have to completely change their personality. Yes, you may attract more women by putting on this false front, but really, what's it going to buy you in the long run?

Once I started simply being myself, I noticed that I tended not to become stressed out as much. The conversations I did have seemed to be a little more relaxed and fluid. A big part of this new mindset was convincing myself that I didn't have to please everyone and, although I may have had to talk to more women, the ones I did connect with would be real.

So the next time you're talking to a beautiful woman and you're afraid that you're going to lose her if she discovers who you really are, simply remind yourself that there are more fish in the sea and it's not the end of the world. Sometimes dating is just a numbers game and you've got to go through a few rough patches before you find what you're looking for.

Average Looking Guys do Have a Chance

2009-02-22T10:20:00.003-05:00

I have to admit, I'm not the greatest looking guy in the world. Although, I have been doing quite a bit to improve my image over the past two or three years, I am still faced with the harsh reality of simply being average looking. For a while, I convinced myself that looks really don't matter, but who was I kidding - honestly?

While it's certainly in your best interest to maintain a positive outlook and project confidence and self-assuredness when talking to women, it's also a good idea to be aware of the fact that they do place a value on looks alone. Yes, it's a cold harsh reality.

Now, you can take this in one of two ways. You can continue to torture yourself for the rest of your life always feeling like a victim because you don't measure up in the looks department, or you can accept yourself for who you are and work on things you can change.

Personally, I did everything I could to improve my looks including losing weight, getting contacts, and improving my wardrobe. I got to the point where it really wasn't possible to do much more.

After that, I concentrated on the things I could change instead of obsessing and beating myself up for not being good looking enough or not measuring up to the best looking guy in a crowd.

One really bad habit I got out of was my tendency to compare myself to the best looking guys in a crowd. That was just self-torture and would always create a negative state of mind. Of course there's always going to be someone better looking than you in a crowd. If you continue to compare yourself to these people, you're going to end up feeling bad - end of story.

Now here's the good news: I've discovered that it is possible to improve your personality to the point where you actually overshadow those guys you can't compare to in looks.

I've also discovered that many guys that have been gifted with rugged good looks are, in fact, lacking in personality and substance. Even though they may be able to initially attract the best looking women, I believe someone with average looks can outdo them in the long run.

So I guess what I'm saying is that once you've learned to accept yourself for who you are, you can start working on things that you can change. This is a much better use of your efforts than simply beating yourself up because you don't measure up to the top 2% of the population.

A Training Course - More Than I Bargained For

2009-02-09T14:28:00.001-05:00

A few months ago, I was asked to attend a training session for one of my biggest customers. I do contract work for them. The training was one week long and fully paid by the corporation.

My field is programming and if you know anything about software guys it's that many don't have the most outgoing personalities. I apologize to anyone I’m offending by saying this, I’m just going by my own experience.

Suffice it to say, I'm not that confident, I'm shy, and most times I'm unsure of myself. This has been my basic personality for the past 30 odd years, so I don't anticipate changing that much.

Anyway, when I get to the training session, I realize that it's also very sales oriented and, hence, there are a lot of salespeople in attendance - male and female. They were all your typical sales types - good-looking, cocky, and very outgoing.

One of the first things I noticed was how gorgeous most of the female sales reps were. Now, I'm not naïve enough to think that I'm even in the same league, but they certainly were nice to look at.

Once training got underway, I noticed something very peculiar. It seemed that the male sales reps picked up on my personality in two seconds flat and used it as some sort of pawn in their attempt to impress the female reps. Yes, I was the butt of a few jokes and a couple putdowns.

Strangely enough, although they were in competition with each other for the attention of the beautiful women, I felt no competition at all between myself and them. I suppose in their mind they didn't even consider me a contender.

It was at that very moment that I realized there's not a whole lot of difference between the human race and the animal kingdom. Here you have a group of Alpha males jockeying for position while average males stand by and watch. It was a little humiliating, but also an interesting experience.

What I took away from all this was that people are certainly in different classes and each person has his/her place in the grand scheme of things. These beautiful female sales reps were nice enough to me on the surface, but deep down they knew, and I knew, that there wasn't a hope in hell that I'd have a chance to be with them romantically.

Isn't it funny how we are still governed by nature in our ultra-civilized world?

Women Love to Dance

2009-02-05T11:04:00.001-05:00

If you're like most guys, dancing probably doesn't come naturally to you. Furthermore, it's probably not something that you're too anxious to learn. Let me re-word that: if you're unsuccessful with women, there's a good chance that you can't dance and you're not interested in learning.

Of course, that's a pretty general assumption and I apologize to anyone that's offended by reading that. As usual, I'm speaking from my own experiences and my many male friends that have the same problem with women that I have (or did).

From the time I first started becoming interested in women, I noticed a peculiar thing – but really didn't give it much thought until later on in life. I noticed that most women love to dance. This was apparent from my first junior high dance experience. Of course, at that age, who really knew what to do, how to do it, and what women (girls) actually liked. One thing I did notice, even at that early age, was that most of the girls seem to enjoy dancing. In fact, our high school dances consisted mainly of girls dancing with each other (or the occasional guy), and the majority of the other guys sitting around or propping up a wall.

There was an invaluable life lesson to be learned there, but I was too immature to really notice it. Looking back now, it seemed that there was only a handful of guys in our entire school that could dance properly. Coincidently, they always seem to be surrounded by women and lived life as though it were a beer commercial.

Convinced that this was simply an adolescent phase, I quickly learned that dancing was an important part of the entire dating scene even into my 20's and 30's. I discovered that if you couldn't dance, you were resigning yourself to a life of loneliness.

So my conclusion is: Women love to dance, and anyone that can move on the dance floor is heads and shoulders above all the other guys that are simply standing around waiting for something to happen.

Ironically, many of the guys that could move on the dance floor weren't necessarily the best looking or had the greatest personality. They simply had something that women wanted, and that was a dance partner. Being the eternal rebel, I was resistant to change and always thought of dancing as something that sissies did.

Fast-forward to about two years ago. I finally gave in and decided to take some dance lessons. I managed to talk my sister-in-law into helping me out with some basic moves and also took some formal lessons. I was determined to learn how to dance, though I was in my 30s, even if it killed me. I should also mention that I'm extremely uncoordinated and clumsy – so this really was a challenge.

These days, I'm quite comfortable getting up on the dance floor. I've gotten to the point where I at least look okay, although I'll ever be someone who people notice. That's okay though, because just knowing how to dance a little has opened up a whole new world to me. I didn't realize how much I was missing and how much I was leaving on the table.

I shudder to think of how many lost opportunities I've had over the years because I simply refused to (or was scared to) get up on the dance floor. In my experience, even if I managed to start talking to a woman, the minute I was asked to get up and dance (and then I refused), the evening was over in short order.

My only regret was that I waited until my mid-30s to learn. I often wonder how different my life could have been had I taken the initiative to learn a few basic moves back in my teen years. Oh well, such is life.

A Personality Just Ripe For Rejection

2009-01-29T14:16:00.000-05:00

Over the past few years, I've made more mistakes with women than you can possibly imagine. In fact, I've seriously lost count of all the screw ups I've made. Now, initially I took this in an extremely negative way. The more mistakes I made, the more of a loser I became (at least that's how it seemed at the time).

It got so bad that I fully expected to be rejected even before I mustered up the courage to talk to a woman. In my mind, I was defeated before I even walked over. At one point, it was as though I had an insatiable thirst for rejection and humiliation and simply went from one woman to the other to see how much I could take - though it seemed like I was becoming immune to this mistreatment, every incident slowly chipped away at my fragile self-esteem.

So what's changed?

Well, I realized that a lot of my problem had to do with my maturity level. Although I didn't realize it at the time, there was just this thing about me that turned women off. Actually, it was a combination of a lot of things: immaturity, low self-esteem, lack of social skills, desperation, neediness, and the list goes on. Is it any wonder that I kept getting rejected?

Now the problem with getting rejected is that it becomes a self filling prophecy. Every rejection firmed up the fact that I was a loser - and on it went...

So you could say that the root of my problem was the negative image I was sending out. Even though most of the stuff was in my head, it was very evident that I was radiating some sort of negativity/desperation vibe.

It's amazing what people can pick up on - especially a woman to whom you are attracted. Needless to say, I had a lot of work to do on myself before I'd have any success meeting the girl of my dreams.

Meeting Women In Bars And Clubs Can Be Brutal For An Average Guy

2008-08-29T17:37:00.001-04:00

I have to admit, I've had a fair amount of experience with bars and clubs in the past year or so. Unfortunately, most of that experience has been bad. And I don't say that to be funny, just telling it like it is for an average guy like myself. I'm sure there are many out there that function okay in this high pressure environment – sadly, I'm not one of them.

The thing is, I don't really care whether I'm successful or not in bars and clubs. There is much more opportunity out there to meet women in the real world. Yeah, I wouldn't consider a high pressure, noisy club to be the real world. Sure, there are loads of beautiful women strutting their stuff, but unless you're exceptional in some way, you haven't got a chance. I'm not just theorizing here – I speak from experience.

I often thought that maybe I didn't give it a fair chance. That's why I decided to concentrate strictly on bars and clubs for a few months. This was last year just before Christmas. I decided to really put forth my best effort after talking to a friend that seemed to do pretty well for himself. Now, women weren't fighting over this guy or anything, but he did manage to get them to talk to him.

What I quickly realized was that this guy only got better at talking to women because he had been turned down so many times. His theory was that for every 20 women he talked to, one would actually acknowledge him. Funny enough, his twenty to one ratio was pretty much bang on.

However, after hitting several clubs over a two-month period, my ratio was more like a hundred to one. I just didn't seem to have it, no matter how hard I tried. A person can only be rejected so many times before they start to question themselves. This technique might work for some, but for anyone with self-esteem issues, it's deadly.

On a positive note, of all the girls I talked to in bars, I did manage to meet a few decent ones.

Anyway, I digress. What it all comes down to is the fact that bars are not the be-all and end-all of places where you can meet quality women. In fact, I would say that most of the quality women are not the type to frequent bars in the first place. Yes, it's true that there are many beautiful women that hang out in bars, but you have to realize that this is part of their lifestyle. Forget what they look like for a second – is this really what you want?

Dating - Creating Options

2008-08-24T22:42:00.003-04:00

If you're a single guy, you've got a lot of choice in the dating world - when you play your cards right. Many guys make the mistake of “putting all their eggs in one basket” when it comes to romance and dating. Leaving yourself options is smart because you never know what's going to go wrong.

That was a hard lesson learned when I first started my online dating escapades. I would tend to get attached to one woman and ignore everyone else. This was true in the on-line and off-line world. I don't know what my problem was, but I had a hard time multitasking when it came to paying attention to more than one person at a time. More often than not, I regretted being faithful to one woman. Keep in mind, I'm only talking about dating here. If I was involved in a sexual relationship, I would certainly keep it exclusive.

I suppose dating immaturity has a lot to do with it. I was very inexperienced up until a few years ago, and if any woman paid attention to me, I would focus strictly on that person. What I learned very quickly was that things don't go according to plan most of the time, and I was left on my own several times.

Eventually, I started getting to know more than one person at a time. Not that I was stringing them along, it's just that I made it very clear that I wasn't going to get serious with anyone right away.

That had a very profound effect on my dating life. Once I made it clear that I didn't want a serious relationship and I wanted to keep things light, women started phoning more often and seemed to be much more eager to meet up than they were previously. I'll talk more about that in another post.

By not getting serious with one person, I was able to date different women and keep my options open. If I fell out with one, I would always have other options available.

Just a word of caution: I don't recommend that you string people along or try to burn the candle at both ends by carrying on a serious relationship with more than one person. This will never end well. You're much better off telling them that you want to keep things light and that you're both free to date other people.

Of course, the other advantage to this is that you discover who is right for you and who isn't. When you have no choices, you can sometimes make the mistake of getting serious with someone that's not right for you. For example: if you date five separate women in one month, you will quickly find out what you like and what you don't like. If you date someone exclusively, you won't have anyone to compare her to.

This is a mistake that most inexperienced guys make. You've heard the old saying about marrying the first girl you see. Sadly, this is true for many guys. They are literally throwing away their chance at happiness in return for a sure thing.

I was actually that guy for most of my life. I was clingy, possessive, jealous, and needy. Oh yeah, I was the whole package – lol.

I had no idea that I was capable of dating multiple women and having a choice of whom I wanted to be with. I always assumed that I should be thankful to at least have someone.

Arrogance is Not Confidence

2008-08-12T10:11:00.002-04:00

So, what's the difference between confidence and cockiness? If you honestly don't know, then you've got a lot of work ahead of you, not to mention many disappointments along the way.

Although there are guys out there that can get away with being arrogant, cocky, and juvenile; most of us can't pull it off in a positive way. Don't get me wrong, it's not that these guys can't attract beautiful women (in fact, many of them attract the most beautiful women), it's just that any woman of substance will be able to see through this superficial charade without any problem at all.

Arrogance, cockiness, and aggressive behavior are definitely not signs of confidence. This type of behavior is often a cover-up for lack of self-esteem.

Have you ever noticed guys that seem to take great pleasure in putting other people down, making fun of someone, or humiliating others just so they can feel superior? These are also most likely the people that will treat women poorly just to get attention. Does this type of behavior sound like confidence?

The truth of the matter is that women are attracted to confidence – but it must be genuine. They love being with a guy that is comfortable with himself but doesn't let everyone know it – a humble self-assuredness, if you will. This type of guy doesn't need to show everyone else how confident he is by being boisterous and obnoxious.

I can remember getting some bad advice from a book I read some time ago. The basic theory that the author was trying to get across was that every guy should develop a “bad boy” routine. The premise was that this drives women absolutely wild and any man that can master it will also have his choice of any woman he wants.

Unfortunately, I took this advice to heart and went out in the real world to try it out. This was by far one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in the dating world. For one thing, behavior like this really is unacceptable. Secondly, I absolutely did not have the personality to pull this off with any degree of success. Thirdly, it's a good way to get beat up (I'm serious). I won't get into details, but suffice it to say that I thoroughly embarrassed myself and a few of my friends that night. In fact, word got around about my humiliating display and I went through a period where no one wanted to have anything to do with me – this included my closest friends.

So how do you build real confidence?

Well, from my experience and what I've noticed from watching truly confident guys; real confidence has more to do with who you are as a person, the values you hold, and your ability to shoulder responsibility. It's the self-assurance that one gains through knowing his abilities/capabilities – while keeping most of this to himself.

If I could eventually develop this sort of quiet confidence, I'd have it made. Unfortunately, there is much more below the surface than meets the eye, and one cannot simply go from being insecure to being confident overnight.

Take a Step Back - Work on Your Confidence And Self-Esteem Issues First

2008-08-10T12:36:00.001-04:00

It's a real shame that many guys simply can't relax enough around women so that their true personalities shine. Personally, I always felt that I had a very relaxed and down to earth way about me. However, this terrific side of me only came out when I was around people that I could relax with. Unfortunately, in high anxiety situations (such as a date), I was transformed into this whole other person. I went from feeling confident, self-assured, and personable, to this insecure, nervous guy that was always stumbling on his words and agreeing with what ever she said just to gain her approval. It was a real train wreck; honest to God.

I eventually came to the conclusion that I was in over my head in most dating situations. I obviously had confidence and self-esteem issues that I needed to take care of before I'd have any hope of success on a date.

The solution seemed simple: I somehow needed to take my relaxed personality and use it in high-stress situations, such as dating. Of course, I quickly found out that this was next to impossible. I simply couldn't relax enough to have my “real” personality take over.

Obviously, I needed to work on my self-confidence and self-esteem. I figured I had two options: I could either go and get professional help, or I could go the self-help route.

Now, seeking professional help takes a major commitment, not to mention, money. Although I've got nothing against talking to a professional, I didn't think my problem warranted such drastic action. So I started reading everything I could about confidence building and hoped that there would be something that I could take and use in the real world.

To make a long story short, I did get a lot of value from the books that I read, but ultimately what changed my life was the real world experience that I gained over the course of a year. I literally forced myself into social situations.

As scary as that sounds to a shy person, the uneasy feeling doesn't last. I can remember feeling so self-conscious at first that all I wanted to do was go home, put on a movie and relax. Of course, that was the old me. The new me was determined to make this work no matter what.

Even though I ended up making a fool of myself on several occasions, I didn't give up. I learned from my mistakes and over time I began to relax a little more. My conversation skills increased dramatically and I started feeling much less self-conscious around people.

Eventually, I got to the point where I could actually handle a dating situation with relative ease. Of course, it really depended on who I was with. There were still (and are) women that made me nervous and self-conscious no matter what.

The bottom line is that there is no “quick fix” for lack of confidence and self-esteem in the dating world (or in general). While everyone is nervous on a first date (to some extent), excessive nervousness could be a sign of deeper, underlying issues.

Why am I spending so much time talking about this?

Well, first of all, it's an issue that hits very close to home with me. Secondly, I think it's something that affects many more people than you would think. Not to mention, if you allow your nervousness and lack of confidence to dominate your life in the dating world, you are condemning yourself to a life of disappointment and embarrassment. And you deserve better than that.

Can't Talk To Women? Get Some Conversation Experience!

2008-08-07T10:07:00.001-04:00

When I started the dating challenge, I had no idea how to even talk to a woman, let alone ask someone out on a date. For some reason, I assumed that by losing weight and working on my physical appearance, I'd be able to totally transform myself. I couldn't have been more wrong.

What I didn't realize at the time was that my physical appearance was only one contributing factor in my failure with women. There were other things at work here that were hurting me much more than my sloppy appearance.

What I eventually realized was that I had a problem relating to society in general. It simply wasn't that I couldn't talk to women - I couldn't talk to anyone very well. Of course, when I was in a conversation with a woman, things were much worse and my feelings of low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and general inadequacy, took center stage.

I have a friend who suffers from a condition known as social anxiety. Social anxiety is essentially a form of severe shyness. Every time I feel as though I'll never be able to talk to women or get a date, I think of how bad my friend has it. Because of this condition, he cannot talk to women at all, and has never had a date as far as I know. Now, I'm not putting him down and he really is a great friend, but his extreme shyness is just killing his prospects in the dating world.

The only reason I am mentioning this is because, even though I believed I don't have social anxiety, I do have (or had) a problem with shyness.

So, you can see that sometimes you need to take a step or two back and address other problems in your life before you can find success in the dating world. And that is exactly what I did.

It's been well over a year now since I decided that I don't want life passing me by while I remain too shy to achieve the things I want. Although my friend started getting therapy for his condition, I decided that I didn't really need that much help. Quite simply, I just needed more experience socializing and conversing with people.

I decided to step up my social activities and took every advantage to talk to people - and I mean, I talked to everyone. What I found was that this provided valuable experience that I would use in the dating world.

I'm convinced that there is not a problem in the world that can't be improved by simply getting more experience - and my shyness problem was no exception. It took well over a year, but I'm finally to the point where I can relax on dates and have meaningful conversations with women - and the best thing is that I don't come across as nervous, needy, or insecure. Women really do pick up on insecurity and nervousness - and it's generally not a good thing from a dating perspective.

So, the bottom line is that I forced myself to get out in public (even if I had nowhere to go. I would still go for a walk). And the other thing I did was force myself to talk to anyone I could. After a while, this became second nature, and that's when I started getting a little confidence which snowballed from there.

No big secrets here, I just realized what my shortcomings were, made a plan, and the rest is history.

I'm at the point right now where I feel relatively comfortable talking to anyone. I don't feel any need to improve my conversation skills or confidence level anymore than I have, as I am having a decent amount of success the way things are.

Is There Hope For Nervous Guys?

2008-07-31T17:59:00.001-04:00

Nervous guys don't do well in the dating world. That is a fact. How do I know? Well, I used to be one of the nerdiest and most nervous looking guys you would ever want to meet. Women (and they didn't even have to be good-looking) would send my anxiety through the roof. It was so bad that I was simply unable to say a few words without looking like some kind of weirdo. Whenever I was around a woman that I would consider “dateable material,” I would change from my normal behavior into someone who could not even say hello without sounding (or looking) like I was going to pass out. This was very obvious, and was so embarrassing that most times I avoided any situation where there was any chance that I'd come into contact with the opposite sex. Sad, very very sad.

Some of the physical symptoms included blushing, sweating, and shaking. Oh, and worst of all, I felt as though my throat were constricting to the point that I could not speak. If I did try to say a few words, I always felt out of breath and the tightness in my throat resulted in any words having a peculiar high-pitched squeak to them.

So combine all this with the fact that I was at least 80 pounds overweight, I wore glasses, and that I was starting to lose my hair, and you've got one big mess. In fact, things couldn't have been any worse.

At one point, I decided that it was all in my head and that my physical symptoms weren't that noticeable. However, I was fooling myself. Of course women could see how nervous I was. They didn't say anything, but I could see how they were completely turned off by my lack of confidence

Why am I telling you this?

I suppose it's because I want you to understand that no matter how bad things are, there is hope for all of us. It doesn't matter who you are, whether you're overweight, have below average looks, or that you feel inadequate around women. If a guy like me can do it, anyone can do it.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm able to get any female I desire. In fact, many women are still out of my league – and that's okay – that's reality, and I'm okay with that.

Actually, having the ability to know when someone is out of your league is invaluable. This can save a lot of time and disappointment. I still laugh as I watch some guy hitting on a beautiful woman in a bar that literally has no chance whatsoever. Certainly, I can see that this guy is so far out of her league that it's almost laughable, but somehow no one has told him and he's screwed up the courage to give it a go. This is where good friends are invaluable. A good friend would never let you humiliate yourself like that.

Let's face it, if you have average looks, personality, and confidence, you probably shouldn't be hitting on the most beautiful woman in the place (unless, of course, you thrive on humiliation).Can you eventually get to the point where your personality and confidence is so strong that you can literally pick up any woman you want – regardless of your looks?

Well, lets just say that I've seen it done.

I've seen some very average, or below average, looking guys that have obviously mastered the technique of picking up any woman they desire. Personally, I have not achieved this level of expertise yet. In fact, it may be impossible for me to reach this level – but time will tell.

Signs of Romantic Attraction

2008-07-10T17:12:00.000-04:00

Knowing the signs of romantic attraction is critical to happiness in the dating world. Unfortunately, it’s something that I refused to acknowledge for the longest time. While I spent, what seemed as, every waking hour hoping to get women to notice me, much of the real opportunity slipped through my fingers.

If you can’t interpret the subtle messages that women send your way, then you are dead in the water. And here is one important fact: women are a lot less obvious when it comes to sending these signals than men are.

Obviously, nature plays a big part here. Men are just conditioned to convey their feelings toward women in a very, no-nonsense fashion – there is usually no mistaking their feelings and intentions. Women, on the other hand, are much more low-key.

Why did I have a problem interpreting these signs?

Well, it all came down to my lack of self-esteem.

If I was talking with a woman that was sending me these subtle messages, I would always convince myself that my imagination was running wild. Although, I would be aware that she might find me attractive, I would kill the idea in my head without a second thought.

What if I was wrong and made a pass at her? Would she ignore me? Scream? Laugh? Run away? If I ever had the urge to trust my instincts and follow through, my “logical” side would quickly step in and put an end to it. I’d convince myself that she couldn’t have possibly been showing signs of romantic attraction towards me – obviously, I was misreading the situation.

Ultimately, I refused to acknowledge that any woman would be interested in me – it didn’t matter if the signs were subtle or downright forward.

That led to many years of loneliness.

Today, things have improved. I’ve been working on my confidence and self-esteem a little and I am now able to see many of these low-key signals that are being sent my way. Granted, I am still careful to interpret things properly so as to avoid embarrassment, but at the same time, I’ve opened my mind to the possibility that some women do find me attractive and go out of their way to show me.

It’s all to do with confidence and self-esteem. Whoever you decide you are you will become – well, for the most part anyway.

Next: The top 10 signs of romantic attraction. Wondering if she’s interested? Check this out!

Dealing With Rejection

2008-07-02T20:34:00.002-04:00

As a single guy, you need to be prepared for rejection. There is no way around this, and it’s something that we all have to deal with. If your self-esteem is so fragile that you can’t handle rejection at all, then you could be in for a very lonely life. It doesn’t matter what you look like or what kind of personality you have – At some point you will be rejected.

This is probably one of the greatest “secrets” of all time and it took me a long time to realize how it worked and why it was so important in the grand scheme of things. One of the most amazing things about rejection is that if you are confident in your abilities and are prepared to handle rejection with some class and dignity, your rejection rate actually decreases.

Like any “failure” in life, rejection is pretty hard to take, initially. Hey, it’s a blow to your ego and many guys take it personally. After all, you are being rejected because you are not quite good enough. How can one not take that personally?

Well, from my experience, there are two things wrong with that way of thinking: First, there could be a number of reasons that she rejected you. It could have nothing to do with you at all – you’ll likely never know the real reason, unfortunately. Second, even if you are rejected because of the way you look or the way you act, that is her opinion only. You cannot unconditionally accept one person’s opinion as the absolute truth. Ok, she might not be attracted to you, but there is always someone out there that will think you are wonderful.

How do I know this? Well, I’ve experienced it many times in the past few years. The real secret here is not to dwell on rejection. If you allow one person’s opinion to wear away at your self-esteem and create negative energy, you will never meet anyone. This person is stealing power from you – don’t give them the satisfaction.

First Impressions - She's Already Made up Her Mind

2008-06-09T14:13:00.000-04:00

First impressions are everything, especially in the dating world. Though you may not realize it, most times a potential mate will have you “figured out” within seconds of meeting. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless the image you are portraying is so negative that it kills any chance of a romantic encounter at all. Notice that there is a difference between the image you project, and the image you want to project.

Many women (even though they already have an impression of you burned in their minds) will, at least, allow you the opportunity to redeem yourself and disprove their preconceived notions. However, be aware that once that initial impression has been made, it is almost written in stone – you’ve got to be very persuasive to change it.

So, obviously, the solution is to make your first impression a good one - Sounds easy enough, but there are many things out of your control. Sure you can do everything in your power to appear confident and project a positive image, but what if you remind her of an ex-boyfriend who dumped her? What if you remind her of her brother? Perhaps you resemble that geeky, obnoxious guy at work – or the rude landlord. There can be many things that are simply out of your control. The sad thing is that you’ll never really know.

What’s even more amazing is the fact that she may not even be aware that she is making assumptions and forming opinions – at least, not on a conscious level. Human beings interpret things on many levels and while there is no logical reason for her to despise you, it can exist somewhere below the surface.

The good news is that this same principle works the other way. People may not be able to explain why they are inexplicably drawn to someone, yet it is a very real feeling.

Can appearance build self-confidence?

2008-06-06T12:45:00.001-04:00

Can appearance build self-confidence?

In short, I would have to say, yes it does – but there are limitations.

I’ve always had a problem with confidence. I used to think that my weight, and the fact that I wore glasses, was responsible for my lack of self-esteem. Later in life, I started losing my hair and that was pretty much the third strike.

I basically spent most of my twenties submerged in computers, and the few jobs I managed to land dealt strictly with programming and data bases – very little human contact. This was fine with me because, while I felt that I’d never meet a woman, I could at least excel in something and get paid well for it. Let me tell you, this sounded a lot better in theory.

Ok, fast forward a few years. I have managed to lose a lot of weight over the past 2 years. In fact, you would never know that I had a weight problem by looking at me. I’ve also given up glasses in favour of contacts. All in all, you could say that I’m a different person.

Ok, do I feel more confident? Well, a little, but I still have a long way to go before I’m able to sit across from a pretty woman and be myself. The dates that I manage to struggle through go ok, considering, but I’d love to be able to feel a little more confident and enjoy the evening instead of dealing with that incredible nervousness I always feel. Maybe it’s normal. Maybe some guys deal with it a little better – who knows.

The fact of the matter is that true confidence needs to come from within – I’m absolutely sure of that now. While improving one’s appearance does help a little, true change must come from within.

So what’s the answer? Perhaps a few hours on the couch might help? Lol.

Dating and self-esteem issues

2008-02-05T09:42:00.000-05:00

Last year, I started my dating challenge half cocked. I was setting myself up to fail and didn’t even realize it. Basically, I just threw myself out there, did what I thought was right, and expected results. Looking back at that now, I have to laugh. I mean, I had so many things going against me that it’s a wonder I was able to arrange the few dates I did.

Of course, I struck out on each of those three encounters. It’s one thing to set up a date, but an entirely different thing to make it work. I suppose nervousness had a lot to do with it.

Yes, being nervous will kill a date faster than anything. If you think that the other person doesn’t notice, then you are really kidding yourself. Of course my dates could see that I was nervous, but I felt powerless the stop it.

Why is there such a stigma put on this anyway? What’s wrong with being nervous on a first date? Well, apparently, a lot. The women I have dated seem to regard nervousness as a horrible character flaw.

However, looking at the big picture: If nervousness, lack of self-esteem, and lack of confidence are such horrible character flaws, then where does that leave the average guy? You can’t tell me that most guys would not show some nervousness on a first date. We all can’t be that confident. We all can’t live up to some pre-conceived notion of how a man should always appear calm, confident and in complete control.

Is there any help for the nervous guys of this world?

Of course there is, however, the answer is not found in the dating world. As I found out, my problem with confidence had nothing to do with my dating problems - actually, dating just added fuel to the fire.

No, my real problem ran a little deeper than that. Until I worked on my self-esteem issues, I’d be setting myself up for a lifetime of failure and stress in the dating world.

Dating, socializing, friendship - What are your expectations?

2008-02-03T17:36:00.000-05:00

What are your expectations when it comes to socializing and dating?

That’s a question that I’ve been asking myself lately. For as long as I can remember, I’ve sat on the sidelines while the rest of society seemingly carried on flirting, socializing, dating – basically, enjoying life. Yes, I know, I viewed the rest of the world in a somewhat skewed manner.

Now, I’m not naïve enough to believe that everyone else lived their lives as though they were in a beer commercial; but still, I did feel cheated, put down, and robbed of that social connection everyone else seemed to enjoy. It was as if they belonged to an exclusive club that would never consider granting me membership.

Ok, now obviously, that way of thinking is wrong. Sure, there might be a few social circles that I’ll never have a chance with, but those are few and far between. The reality is that I have the capability to connect with people and have a healthy social life. I am capable of expanding my circle of friends.

Where do I need to start? Well, the biggest mistake I am making is that I have unrealistic expectations of how society functions. I’m not talking about dating exclusively, but socializing in general.

For example: I am not a handsome guy, yet I put myself down when women totally ignore me. I expect that they should pay attention to me, flirt, and treat me with kindness. When that doesn’t happen, I feel depressed, resentful, and hurt.

Obviously, I’m missing something here. My expectations are out of whack.

I expect people to be kind towards me.

I expect people to start conversations with me.

I expect to have a large group of friends.

I expect people to make the first move when striking up a conversation.

I expect women to flirt with me.

I expect women to be attracted to me.

I expect others to make first contact.

I expect to be invited to functions.

I expect to be included.

In the past year, I’ve had a major reality check. One thing I have been working on is my expectations. Now, I could have simply lowered my expectations and accepted the fact that society would pretty much ignore me. Low expectations, low results, and everything balances. Or, I could have made an effort to improve my situation, work hard, and earn that which I expected from people.

The keyword here is earned.

Feeble effort equals feeble results.

Dating - dressing for success

2008-01-22T11:07:00.001-05:00

In the dating world, nothing gives you a bigger bang for your buck, and does more for your image, than dressing smartly. You literally have seconds to make a good first impression - and while you may not be able to do much about your physical look, you can at least increase your desirability by making an effort in the clothes department.

Think your date won’t notice your mismatched wardrobe and scruffy shoes? Guess again. Though she might not notice on a conscious level, make no mistake, you are being evaluated.

Besides losing weight, my biggest breakthrough came when I stopped dressing like a bum and invested in some new clothes. I was also surprised at how economically this could be done.

Here are 5 ways I was able to improve my wardrobe:

1. Try to get a second opinion before you go ahead and purchase an item. Better yet, take along a female friend. In my case, I asked my sister-in-law to come with me. I was amazing how much we disagreed about what looked good and what didn’t. In the end, she convinced me to try new things that were a little out of my comfort zone. Looking back now, I’m glad she did because she really has a great sense of what looks good on a guy.

2. Look in the latest magazines (yes, even women’s magazines) to get an idea of what is in style. Also take note of what the mannequins are wearing in the top clothing stores. Take note of how colors are used.

3. Buy things on sale. Good quality, stylish clothing is expensive. I never paid full price for anything I bought, and I was still able to get most of what I wanted. You might have to wait for some items, but getting a quality piece of clothing for the same price as a department store knockoff makes good sense. Besides, the department store item will have a cheap look that will be noticeable.

4. Take care of your investment. Launder your good clothes according to the manufactures label. Sounds obvious, but I ruined some very nice shirts by not following the directions. Also, keep your best cloths separate from your daily stuff. Less wear and tear means more money in your pocket.

5. Dress for your age and body style. If you are middle-aged and a little overweight – accept that fact. Nothing looks worse than someone dressing to look younger. Wear comfortably fitting clothing that compliments your age and body type.

That’s about it. The only other thing I can add to this is that you should never wear your worst looking clothes in public. I’m talking about putting on that horribly wrinkled shirt or those track pants to pop to the store for groceries. You may not be heading out on a date, but sometimes opportunity knocks in the most unexpected way. Imagine meeting the woman of your dreams while dressed like you slept in your clothes – can you say embarrassing?

Wear clean, stylish, wrinkle-free, everyday clothes in situations like that, because you never know who’s around the next corner.

Dating anxiety

2008-01-16T12:54:00.000-05:00

Dating sites and introduction services are a good thing as long as you are ready to actually meet someone. My experience was mostly negative because of my confidence and self-esteem issues.

Creating dating site profiles and hanging around different bars and clubs wasted a lot of my time. I had other issues that I needed to take care of before I would have any success with these methods.

I needed to stop concentrating on romance and start looking inward.

Dating aside, my number one problem was insecurity and low self-esteem. How could I expect to meet someone when I had all that going on? I’m sure (well, actually, I know) that people can see right through me and I come off as anxious and nervous. In fact, it’s bad enough in everyday life, let alone in the dating world.

Yeah, it’s natural to feel a little nervous on a first date, but my level of nervousness caused me to behave in a peculiar way. Because of my nervousness, I would say and do things that sent out the “weirdo” vibes. Woman would pick up on this instantly and the date would end prematurely.

I experienced this many times. It’s discouraging because I had a hard enough time getting them to agree to go out on a date to begin with.

Deep down, I know I have a decent personality; it’s just that I become a different person when I am out in public. I’m not just talking about dating here. I have a difficult time meeting people and making friends in general. I’m sure it also has a lot to do with experience.

So, as you can see, I have other issues that run a little deeper than getting rejected by just about every woman I come into contact with.

Now, the real question is: Where do I start on my self-improvement?

Dating and a few tough lessons

2008-01-08T14:05:00.000-05:00

The dating challenge was kind of a dumb idea. For those of you who haven’t been following things, check out the last 40 posts and you’ll get an idea of what I’ve been trying to accomplish during the past year.

Although things didn’t turn out great, it was a real eye-opener in the sense that I’ve learned some tough lessons. Here are some of them in no particular order:

I am not cut out for bars/clubs. I don’t know what made me think I’d have any amount of success in this high-pressure/high-competition venue. Some of my worst disasters happened there. Bottom line: I’m completely out of my element. Maybe some day I’ll have the confidence to give it another go, but for now – no.

I am too passive, nice, and agreeable. It’s not to say that one must act like a total jerk, but there can be too much of a good thing. Remember, there is a fine line between being too agreeable and being boring. This is not an attractive trait, because it always appeared that I had no will of my own. The “nice-guy” personality causes problems in other areas of my life also.

I failed to give the dating sites a fair chance. Given the fact that I now hate bars, this is one area that I intend to pursue right away. In hindsight, I think online dating is custom made for a guy like me. I will be working on a new profile soon. Of all the possibilities out there, I think this one has the greatest chance of succeeding.

I’ve learned that I have a lot of work to do on my confidence and self-esteem issues. I’ve got some very deep-rooted issues with self-esteem – the dating thing just magnifies everything times a hundred.

Looks are important. When I first started this challenge, I was overweight, sloppy, and I didn’t care. I got my appearance in order pretty darn quick because in dating, the first impression is crucial – like it or not, those are the rules. By the way, anyone can improve their appearance, no matter what they look like.

I couldn’t relax. I always appeared nervous and anxious around women – especially when I was out on a date. This was related to my lack of confidence, of course. If I make any headway in the area of self-esteem, I’m hoping this will be a non-issue.

I had no other interests, hobbies, talents, or pursuits. After the initial dinner, movie, coffee (whatever), I had nothing left. If they wanted to see me after that first date, I was stuck for things to do.

Also, having some other interests would have given me some personal satisfaction – let’s not forget that.

I failed to build other relationships (I had no friends). Having a good network of friends can do wonders for you. I remember meeting this one woman online and eventually we hooked up a few times for coffee. I think she was ok with my appearance and personality, but as it became apparent that I didn’t have many friends, I sensed that she assumed I was introverted and desperate.

And my final (and biggest) revelation:

Have some self-respect. I was much too hard on myself and felt guilty for everything. I now realize that it’s a two-way street, and that I wasn’t the only one at fault when things didn’t work out.

This last point is a biggie and one that many of us miss, I suspect.

The year is up!

2007-12-07T11:27:00.000-05:00

It’s been a while since I posted anything on this blog. I don’t have any excuses except to say that real life sometimes takes center stage, and other things get shelved. I’m hoping to continue updating this site much more frequently in the next little while. If anything, I want to write about my experiences since last March.

Last year, I started this blog as a sort of personal challenge. The idea was that I would give myself one year to find romance. Well, obviously my year is up – it actually ended this September.

Looking back now, I realize that the whole concept was a little short-sighted and naïve. In the past year, I’ve had more disappointments than success - to say the least. I learned a lot about myself, my abilities, and my limitations. All things considered, the experience was good, although I’d hardly consider it successful.

While I’d like to stay positive and concentrate on my success, the failure, embarrassment and humiliation I’ve experienced weighs heavily. Now, the old Dan would have let that shut him down and I would have sulked for days on end, however, I’ve learned to handle rejection in a more mature way – a more productive way. Yes, things didn’t exactly turn out as I hoped they would – but what I’ve learned from the whole experience is priceless.

On the positive side, I’ve had a decent amount of success with the dating sites. Of course, this also requires a lot of time to prepare profiles, contact people, and respond to emails.

One thing I’ve discovered is that there are a lot of dating sites out there. The majority are very new and most likely run by one person (regardless of how they might promote themselves). Ah…but that’s a separate post altogether.

So what’s the bottom line? Well, the year has come and gone, and I’m still single and actively looking. I suppose I should change the sub-title of this blog to reflect that.

I want to also mention that I’ve managed to shed that excess weight I was carrying around. I’m now down to my proper body mass index. I’ve even had people comment that I look thin. Well, maybe I am if you compare me to a year ago. This weight loss is probably going to prolong my life and, if anything, I’m grateful for that.

What’s the most important thing I’ve learned?

I learned how tough, resilient, and resourceful I can be - and I‘ve learned that I’m capable of doing much more with my life. There is no way I’d have figured this out without going through the trials and tribulations of the past year.

What’s my next move?

I simply plan to appreciate my successes and learn from my mistakes. I intend to keep putting forth the effort while improving the many areas of my life.

Eventually, things will click – I’m sure of that.

The online dating site profile

2007-03-11T14:57:00.000-04:00

My dating site campaign is still going strong. I decided to delete my old profile from all of the free sites and re-tool. My new profile (which took me a long time to create) seems to be getting a lot more attention. One major difference is that I am now concentrating on one service only. This site is one of the major players in the online dating world, and it does, in fact, make a huge difference in the quantity and quality of responses I am getting.

One of the biggest discoveries I made is that, even though guys are paying $25/month, they don’t bother to include a detailed profile and a picture. Without a picture, you better have a very compelling description of yourself. Without a well written profile or picture – well, there is no chance at all. It makes sense: why would anyone bother with such a half-assed attempt?

The secret is that it really doesn’t take much to make an average guy shine in a situation like this. Spend a little more time, be creative, proof-read, be detailed, and include a picture. There you have it: you’re already light years ahead of the competition. It’s amazing more people don’t get this simple point and make their profile work for them.

I now have 10 times the number of responses using only that single site. At one point, I was an active member at more than 15 sites - and getting nothing but spam and crank replies. I used to think that it was me personally, but now I’m realizing that the profile will make or break things for you.

My dating site profile is very detailed. It includes a lot of relevant information, written in a catchy, edgy style. It is about 250 words in total, but it’s not a boring read. I wrote and revised for many hours to come up with the final product.

As far as the photo goes, I had to be careful. I’m not what most would describe as a good-looking guy, so I had to choose my photo wisely. I decided that I would leave an air of mystery in a tasteful way without seeming evasive. The lighting and distance in this picture is perfect and achieves that goal perfectly. I have given up on submitting frontal, full-frame, well lit, head shots that show every last imperfection. They are not very flattering, and I have received a lot of negative criticism on other dating sites.

In a way I feel as though I’ve discovered a big secret that no one else knows about.

My ideal woman is married :(

2007-02-15T16:59:00.000-05:00

Well, I decided to bite the bullet and sign up for a membership on one of the big three dating sites. It’s a little pricey, but I’m going in with the, “you get what you pay for” attitude. I’ve only been playing around with it for a few hours, but I must say that it seems a lot more robust, not to mention, more active than some of the other sites I’ve been on. I’ll check it out for a month and see what happens.

On the other front, the night class is coming along well. I have talked with all the older students at least once in the past 2 weeks. The younger people seem to have their own agenda, and that’s perfectly fine; I remember being young and indifferent myself, at one time.

The older group is pretty much separate from the 20 year olds, and that’s understandable. After all, we would have nothing in common anyway. As a group of 6, we all get along pretty well. We go for coffee some nights, and to tell you the truth, the company is enjoyable. It’s been a long time since I’ve been a part of any social circle at all.

All four women are quite friendly and personable. However, there is one that is head and shoulders above the rest as far as personality is concerned. I don’t know what it is, but she’s the kind of person that you want to hang out with. I can’t quite figure out why I’m so attracted to this woman.

The reality is that she is a free spirit. That’s her personality, and that’s the way she treats everyone. Still, I’m sure that she has had her fair share of proposals over the years. In fact, I might have had other intentions myself, except for the fact that she is happily married - and that is territory that I would never venture into. The world is still full of eligible women with great personalities. I just have to find one.

Free dating sites

2007-02-08T13:38:00.000-05:00

Free online dating services are pretty much the norm these days as competition heats up among hosts. The best online dating services may, however, still be the paid membership sites. Although there are exceptions, most free services tend to be small operations trying to get into the market. The databases for these smaller dating sites tend to be sparse.

Now, as I said, not all free services are created equally. Most, so called “free” sites, are free with limitations. In fact, to actually contact someone you end up paying anyway – so why not use one of the big paid membership dating sites?

Having said that, there is one site in particular that has just as much traffic as many of the large pay sites and is, amazingly, totally free for a full membership– no strings attached. I always keep my profile on there because of the sheer number of members and the fact that new people are joining every hour.

I will probably give a paid dating site a try for the following reasons:

• The members are likely to be a little more serious about finding someone. After all, they are putting up their hard earned money to become a member.

• Many people that would never post their profile on a free dating site might choose a paid service for an increased sense of security. The fact that each and every member is held accountable for their actions (they have your credit card number) could be the deciding factor between someone signing up, or not.

• Spam and other nonsense will be non-existent. It’s too easy for spammers to join a free service – why pay?

• I am going to spend considerable time creating my new profile and I want to make sure it gets some quality exposure.

The top services charge between 20-30 dollars a month. I’ll probably get my profile ready and join one of them in a few days. There is no commitment, so if things don’t work out, I’ll be out a month’s subscription – not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Seeking datable women - I wish I were 20 again

2007-02-06T14:16:00.000-05:00

The class is going well. If anything, I’m learning a lot of useful information that’s going to help me in my career. I’m also impressed by the quality of teaching. Our instructor certainly knows her stuff. She has a ton of real-world experience I’m told. Not only that, but she’s not a bad looker – unfortunately, she’s not only out of my league, but she’s married with 2 kids, a dog, 2 cats, and a bird. Can you say, “Spoken for?”

There are 22 people in this class – many of whom are younger than me. However, there are a handful (maybe 5) that are older and obviously there for some kind of professional skills development or continuing education – 4 women and one guy. He is around my age, married for 10 years, 3 kids, and is the only one I have talked to yet.

Of the four women, I have concluded that 2 are definitely married, one is very, very shy and quiet (but good looking), and the other is naturally pretty with a bubbly personality. There are quite a few single, younger women; however I doubt that they would give me the time of day, if only because of my age. Besides, hitting on younger women would just make me look creepy, and I really don’t need that.

One reality that I’ve had to deal with is the fact that there are not many single women in my age group. Most are married, or have been married, and have children. Now, I don’t mind kids, however, that is just another requirement that a guy like me would have to have (would he be a good father to my children?).

I envy the young guys in their twenties. Practically all the women in their age group are single. I really wasted the prime years of my life – oh well.

In any case, I’m just going to play things cool and see what happens. I wasn’t expecting to be overwhelmed with datable women of my own age anyway. I look at it this way: If I’m not out there, then fate will never have a chance to work its magic. I’m sure there are many people in this world that miss great opportunities because they are not at the right place at the right time.

It’s a numbers game, and I’m simply trying to increase my odds.

Online dating - is there still a chance?

2007-01-18T21:12:00.000-05:00

My profile still sits on at least 10 online dating sites. Of those, my picture is on at least three, so I logged into a couple last night and started deleting. I was a little melancholy at the fact that all that effort was wasted. In a way, I was half expecting to see some responses, but there was nothing there but spam – 3 months worth.

I suppose what really hurt was the fact that I didn’t hear anything from the woman that gave me the brush-off last month after I drove almost 2 hours to meet her. I thought she might have, at least, given me an excuse; as feeble as that would have been. Yes, people can be cruel.

Oh well, life goes on.

As I was deleting the profiles, I realized that they were not very good at all. Not only were there no pictures, but the bios seemed very rushed and brief, the grammar was bad, there were spelling mistakes, and the lack of style made them painful to read. I compared mine to those from other members, and they didn’t measure up well at all. Some people really put a lot of work into creating a readable and interesting profile. Mine sounded like a lonely hearts ad from the sixties.

I couldn’t remember them being so bad, but I was, after all, conducting a social experiment of sorts. Deep down, I think I expected to get a poor response; therefore I didn’t waste much time slapping them together. It’s funny that I didn’t notice how poor they were at the time.

As I was deleting this trash I had posted, I noticed a very well written ad from a male looking for a female. You could tell that this guy spent a lot of time crafting a very compelling profile. It was well-written, and every question had been filled out in detail. This guy’s dating profile read fluidly from start to finish, and even though it was detailed, it was interesting. What woman would not have been compelled to write to this person?

To top it all off, the photo he submitted didn’t really give you a good look at him. It was partially silhouetted and taken from a distance, but it left an air of mystery in an artsy kind of way – very well done. The guy was obviously a genius. I could learn a lot from a dating site profile like that.

The most inspirational thing about reading his bio was that I could easily put together something like that, given enough time. The profile picture was especially interesting since that was something I considered custom made for my situation. Dark shadows and silhouettes are kind to me. That way I’d have a picture on all of my profiles. I’ve always said that people need to accentuate their positives. The bright, two dimensional, frame-filling, pasty faced photo, that I had the nerve to post, was not flattering in the least. For one thing, it was way too close, and way too detailed.

Now, I know I’ve sworn off dating sites for the time being, but it occurred to me that maybe the lack of success was due to the lack of effort and not me personally.

If this is true, then I have a renewed sense of purpose. I may still be able to work with the online dating sites after all.

Taking a class

2007-01-17T10:31:00.000-05:00

In an effort to get out of the house and do something (anything), I decided to take a class at the local college. It occurred to me that I don’t get out as much as I should. Getting rejected a few weeks ago has not made getting back on that horse any easier. However, I now realize that I’ve been getting on the wrong horse all the time.

No more high pressure dating situations for this guy. I have decided to simply try and mingle a little more and expand my circle of friends. With any luck, the dating thing should take care of itself.

The key here is to diffuse the situation. I’m getting carried away and obsessing about the fact that I can’t get a date. I need a time-out, so to speak.

The course I’m taking is web design - and I can honestly say that I’m going in with the most honorable intentions. As I mentioned in an earlier post, it would be kind of low to simply do this to meet women. It’s actually something I can use in my business, and in the worse possible case, I’ll walk away with something. I really needed to learn a little more about web design anyway.

The bottom line: It will still be interesting even if I don’t meet a single person.

My first class will be next Tuesday, and then every Tuesday and Thursday until April. I’m really looking forward to this. Actually, for me, anything internet related is interesting.

I don’t know what to expect and there might be a little anticipatory anxiety leading up to the first session, however, after that, things should settle down. I’m hoping that there is a good mix of people and that I fit in. Oh well, time will tell.

After torturing myself with the singles bars, it will be a refreshing change to simply meet real people for once without having that whole dating thing hanging over our heads.

For the first time in a long time, I feel optimistic.

Dating sites and bars are out - now what?

2007-01-13T08:35:00.000-05:00

I’ve come to the conclusion that success is very unlikely if I continue to pursue women in the traditional matter. There is simply too much competition, and I’m ill-equipped to handle the initial hump.

It’s funny how guys seem to all follow the same method of operation when it comes to meeting women. While bars and dating sites require a lot less work and originality, the chance of failure is also great – at least for a guy like me. The problem is that I can never get by the “first impression” stage where everything hinges on attractiveness and creating that initial spark. If I could somehow fast forward past this, I would have a chance to use my other talents – conversation skills, humor, and so forth.

So, the problem is obvious: get out of that high competition situation. That would require a little more original thought, but at least I wouldn’t be following all those other guys like lemmings jumping off a cliff. Yes, originality is where it’s at.

Now, the first thing I need to do is try and decrease the size of that initial hump. In high competition venues such as clubs and dating sites, everything hinges on that first impression. I mean, you don’t even get a chance to open your mouth before a decision is made. We’re talking about a huge hump here – and one that is pretty much insurmountable by mere mortals.

Forget the bars, clubs, dating sites, and dating services – they don’t work for me because I cannot get past the physical looks requirement. If you are reading this and are one of those guys that do function well in competitive situations, then more power to you. For guys like me, however, those venues couldn’t be more wrong.

What’s the solution? I wish I knew. One thing I can say for sure: It’s an area I’ll be concentrating on from here on out. I’ve been there and done that as far as the dating sites and bars go. To me, it’s one big waste of time and I could be using those resources in other ways.

In a nut-shell, my plan will be centered around new activities and trying to meet as many people as possible. It’s funny; I think women would be more receptive to me if there were no presumptions. Without the whole dating, relationship thing getting in the way, the hump seems to be small, or even non-existent – and that’s exactly what I need: to allow others to see the real me.

Yes, I know there is a danger of going down the “friend” road, from which there is no return, but I’m willing to take my chances – it’s not like I’m doing any better now.

One more thing: I’m not going to be operating under false pretences. The plan is not to lure and trick women into being friends, only to pull the old switcheroo later on. In fact, I believe that would be a little low.

My plan is to simply try and meet more people and widen my circle of friends and contacts - at least this way I’ll have an opportunity to work my charm (kidding).

Let’s face it: There is way too much pressure with that whole dating, attractiveness, and relationship thing going on. Sometimes an average guy doesn’t stand a chance.

Dating is a numbers game

2007-01-07T10:32:00.000-05:00

“Dating is a numbers game, and in order to have a better chance at meeting your ideal mate, you must get out there and create as many prospects as possible.”

This advice was given to me at a party a few years back by a complete stranger. I think he assumed that I wasn’t exactly what you would call a ladies man, and, in his drunken stupor, decided to share this tidbit of information with me.

I should mention that this guy seemed to be charmed as far as the ladies were concerned. He had a certain quality and confidence when it came to the opposite sex, and everyone noticed it. Even as drunk as he was, I could still sense that several women were flirting with him as we chatted.

In most other circumstances, he would not have bothered to talk to me. We were in different leagues, and I could not even begin to imagine the world that he lived in. He seemed to have that magical, elusive magnetism that naturally attracted people. They just wanted to be close and hang out with him – girls and guys.

Some of the best advice I had ever been given was being willingly shared by this stranger at that party. But, for whatever reason, I decided not to follow it. That was a mistake. What better source of information could I have hoped for? He was living the life I dreamed of – walking the walk, so to speak. Unfortunately, after that night, I never got the chance to continue our talk – different worlds – different leagues. In fact, I doubt that he even remembered a word he said, or who he talked with that night. I felt privileged.

Anyway, amongst other things, he was a firm believer in playing the odds. His theory (nothing really earth-shattering) was that it takes a whole lot of dating and introductions to find someone with whom you are compatible. Well, the truth be told, his castoffs would have been my dream girls – I kid you not. However, the theory, in principle, was a good one.

Plant a whole lot of seeds, and some are sure to sprout and thrive – it’s simple statistics. In his case, he would have chatted up dozens of women to finally settle on one that he would consider dating. In my case, it would be more like attempting to chat up several women and finally having one chat back. But hey, it’s the same in principle.

It was silly of me not to heed his advice. I mean, how many times would I ever get to talk to a guy like this?

I don’t know what made me think about it after all these years, but the theory is sound and makes sense. In fact, I’ll keep it in mind as I decide on my next move.

Rejection is a part of life

2006-12-27T22:44:00.000-05:00

Things didn’t go well last Saturday; however, I refuse to let a single bad experience spoil my plans. It takes all kinds to make the world go round, and the fact that I happened to get snubbed on my first real attempt at dating in years, is just a horrible coincidence. At least I hope that it’s that simple. On the other hand, what if I’m just so unattractive that I am unable to create desire in anyone? Where does that leave me in the grand scheme of things?

As I mentioned before; I hate rejection. What took place last Saturday afternoon wasn’t really the worst kind of rejection, however. Even if she did do a drive-by and decided not to take the time to get to know me, at least I know that I was rejected for my looks alone. Some of you may say that that’s the worst kind of rejection, but I beg to differ.

Being rejected based on looks alone, is actually much less painful than being rejected after actually meeting and getting to know someone. In that instance, you know that the rejection runs deeper than looks alone; you are being rejected because of who you are.

She may have taken a look at me and rejected me instantly, but that was the only reason. She did not reject me for my personality, so in a way, that’s less painful. There are many unattractive guys with great personalities.

I am not attractive by any means, but I do mange to shine in other areas. I’m a good conversationalist, and I have a pretty broad knowledge in many subjects. Given the chance, I usually fair pretty well as far as keeping the conversation lively.

But let’s face it: looks will always matter. If only there was some way to get by that initial first impression.

I got stood up

2006-12-21T10:03:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday, I drove about an hour to meet a contact from one of the dating sites. That entire hour on the road was filled with nothing but obsessive and anxious thoughts. I considered turning back more than once because I felt that I was not ready for an actual encounter yet. I needed to work a little more on my appearance; in particular, my weight problem.

In all honesty, it’s really only an excuse to avoid the potential pain of rejection. There will always be something that isn’t quite right; some improvement that needs to be made. In other words, I can always find fault, and I can always talk myself out of meeting and dating women.

Driving up to the front of the coffee shop, I was a bundle of nerves. What would she think of me? I mean, what would she really think of me beyond the obligatory social niceties? I hoped that she would at least be honest and not put on a phony front just to get through the date. I hate social phoniness even more than being rejected. But I was getting carried away thinking of things that might, or might not, happen. I needed to focus and handle the situation as it unfolded.

I got out of the car and walked towards the front of the shop, mentally going through my list of conversation topics. There is nothing more uncomfortable than awkward silence on a first date.

Although I knew what she looked like from her photo on the dating site, she also mentioned that she would be wearing a blue plaid coat. I decided to meet her in front of the coffee house so that we could order together. I was a few minutes early so I sat outside and read a paper. Fortunately, it was unseasonably mild for this time of year.

I kept looking over the paper every few minutes so that I didn’t miss her. It was now 1:10pm and still no sign of anyone. Even though she was only 10 minutes late, I had a feeling that she might be a no-show. However, there was the very real possibility that she could be stuck in traffic.

Several cars had driven past me while I waited. The coffee place was part of an outdoor plaza, so the parking lot and front laneway were fairly busy. At one point, I could have sworn that I saw her drive by in a late model Jetta, but I couldn’t be sure.

After waiting another 45 minutes, I decided that this was just not going to happen. It was mild outside, but sitting on an outdoor patio for an hour in December is about all I could handle. She may have been caught in traffic or had a car breakdown, so the urge to stay a little longer was pretty strong. Imagine if she was stuck in traffic and finally arrived, only to find out that I had stood her up.

So, with that in mind, I went inside and ordered my second cup of coffee to stay. I managed to get a seat by the window and slowly sipped my drink – watching the front of the store.

With each passing minute, my mood deteriorated. At 3pm, my coffee was finished and so was I. The more I think about it, she was probably driving that Jetta after all. Doing a drive-by in a parking lot releases one from any sense of social responsibility. There is a certain detachment from the situation as one cruises by at 40km/hr. If she had parked and walked up to the shop, there would have been at least some obligation to acknowledge me and to possibly sit through an hour of boring conversation with someone who is so far out of her league, it’s laughable.

I spent most of the day on Sunday beating myself up and going over the whole situation in my head, analyzing every minute detail.

Contacting her is not an option. I want to keep a little self-respect. If she needs to get in touch, she has my email address.

Sigh…

Here I am - your overweight date

2006-12-16T09:05:00.000-05:00

I am so nervous about my date that I can’t concentrate on anything. I might have only slept about 2 hours in total last night. The more I think about it, the more I feel like canceling. Not that I don’t want to meet her, it’s just that I’d feel so much better if she knew what I looked like. I have no idea what her expectations are going to be. I feel sick.

It’s down to the crunch now. I’m borrowing my Mom’s car and I’ll be leaving around 11am. So I’ve only got a few hours to put on the finishing touches. Actually, I’m pretty well committed because it’s too late to cancel now, and there is no way I’m going to stand her up – that would be low. I’d rather just suffer through whatever fate has in store for me.

The next time I write in this blog, I’ll be a changed man – one way or the other.

I have a date

2006-12-14T10:36:00.000-05:00

It looks like I have a date for Saturday afternoon. Well, not so much a formal date, more like coffee. – But hey, it’s a start.

Yes, I heard back from my dating site contact. Her name is Beth. She sent me a message on Monday saying that she was surprised to hear from me after all this time. She didn’t seem pissed off at the fact that I abruptly stopped my correspondence. In fact, she said that she hoped everything was ok with me. The world needs more people like her.

We decided that we would meet halfway, in a small town about 40 km from my home. It’s only going to be a casual coffee and a bit of conversation; nothing major. Also, we are meeting in the afternoon which is good because I find that the “day date” is less stressful; I don’t know why. I’ll most likely have to borrow a car. I think that showing up on a bus would send out the “loser” vibe.

So, I’ve got two days to calm down and try to do everything humanly possible to make a good first impression. From a physical standpoint, there is not much more I can do to improve things unless I can lose 30 pounds overnight. I’m wearing contacts, I just got my hair cut, I have some good, casual clothes I can wear, and I’m 20 pounds lighter than I was 3 months ago.

I don’t know why I’ve got this hang-up about my appearance. Really, I’m not grotesque or anything, it’s just that I have this nagging feeling that I’m not good-looking enough to have anyone desire me. Yes, major self-esteem issues, I know.

I am torturing myself over the fact that I didn’t send her my picture. If I had done so, this would all be genuine – all the cards would be on the table, so to speak. As it stands right now, there is a big uncertainty hanging over my head. Since she doesn’t know what I look like, there is still the real possibility that she might reject me, flat out.

I could probably save a lot of time and hassle if I just send her a recent photo. I don’t look as bad as I did 3 months ago, but I still have a long way to go. If I do that then get a message back that she’s not feeling well and has to cancel, at least I’ll be saving a trip.

So, that’s the question. Do I want to get rejected online before the date, or would I prefer to get turned down in person? Hmmm…

A dating site romance - is it possible?

2006-12-10T11:59:00.000-05:00

About 3 months ago, I posted several ads in some free dating sites. About half of those included my picture. The goal was to get a true feeling for where I ranked in the pecking order when it came to attracting women. Not one of the picture profiles drew a response, and those whom I contacted first were not interested. I think my photo was the determining factor.

Why would I put myself through such torture? Well, essentially, it was my own private social experiment, and I needed the real-world, no nonsense truth – as painful as it was.

While most of the responses were negative, I did manage to have a conversation with one person that lives about an hours drive from me. She initiated the first contact and said she liked my profile. Obviously, this was a site that did not include my picture. We conversed a few times and she sent me her photo. I didn’t know what to do after that, because I didn’t want to blow the whole thing by forwarding my pic to her. I covered up by saying that I wanted to get a more recent snapshot to send. I never bothered to message her back, and I didn’t return to the site.

Since that time, I abandoned that online dating site out of shame. Actually, it had been weeks since I checked my messages on any of the dating sites. I wanted nothing more to do with them because of the failure I experienced.

On Thursday evening, I signed-on to a few of the more popular sites just for curiosity’s sake. I wasn’t expecting any more responses or any activity at all, really. I don’t know why I even bothered.

I had no new messages on every profile except for the one I had vowed never to sign in to again. In all honestly, I had forgotten about the whole incident. My message box indicated that I had 3 messages – the last one dated more than a month ago - all three were from the same woman I snubbed. I was expecting them to be scathing and full of hate, but to my surprise, she seemed to be genuinely concerned that she hadn’t heard from me. I detected a little sadness in the last message, however.

On Thursday evening, I sent her a long apology and hoped that she would get it. Who knows, maybe she doesn’t even go to that service anymore. If she does receive it, I’m hoping that she forgets about the whole photo thing.

It’s Sunday morning and still no response. I’ll keep checking back over the weekend. You just never know. In all honesty, this is the closest I’ve come to chatting with a female that I might actually be able to ask out.

A new job - a new life

2006-12-04T13:42:00.000-05:00

Most of my earned income is generated from contract work I do over the internet. While it’s great to be able to do my own thing, it can be a lonely way of life. I don’t interact with anyone except via e-mail. Needless to say, I’m not in contact with many people in the course of a day.

Getting out and meeting new people is going to have to be a priority. Sitting around the house, working or not, is not going to do anything to help my situation. I need to get as much social exposure as I can. You never know who you are going to meet around the next corner.

However, even if I did get out and get a real job, I’d still be confined to the male dominated world of software programmers. I doubt that this kind of work environment will be conducive to increasing my social exposure.

That’s why I’m considering a drastic, although temporary, career change.

As it stands right now, my bills are minimal. Yes, I know it’s only because I’m living at home, however, I do appreciate that, and the fact that it allows me the freedom to experiment a little.

Even though I get paid very well for what I do, my current income would not be enough to fully support me because I only work about 20 hours a week. Why only 20 hours? Well, to be honest, I have only managed to get that much work coming in. Maybe, deep down, that’s all I’m aiming for because I love my free time.

Lately, however, I have thought about getting a full-time job in something totally unrelated to software programming - a job where I can meet new people and hopefully make new friends. Besides, I’m a little tired of the work I’m doing at the moment – I need a change.

Mingling with people at work is a double edged sword. It’s easy and convenient to make friends this way, however, should things take a turn for the worse, I’d still be obligated to maintain a professional relationship. This can be quite difficult, depending upon the situation. On the other hand, co-workers can provide a means to meet new people and potential friends whom are not work related.

I thought I might try something in the retail or hospitality sector. I realize that these jobs can be low-paying, but I also think I would enjoy meeting new people and taking a break from my self-imposed isolation.

What job will I be applying for exactly? Well, I’m open to just about anything at the moment.

Creating opportunity

2006-11-29T10:28:00.000-05:00

Increasing my friendship base is not going to be easy. After all, most people my age are busy getting on with their lives. They run in different circles and are more likely to have common interests related to work, relationships, kids, and finding a great interest rate for their mortgage. I, on the other hand, am still living like a teenager in my parent’s basement.

Getting depressed over how miserable my life has turned out is not going to do anything for me, however. I’m not going to get bogged down with the past – what’s done is done.

As far as meeting new people… well, that might take a little creative thinking. I don’t want to just go out with the sole purpose of meeting new friends; that would just make me look desperate. I think a better approach would be to find something that truly interests me, and get involved with that. Meeting new people would just be a natural result of getting out and doing something.

Choosing an activity to get involved with should be fairly simple. I have a wide variety interests and hobbies.

I am thinking of joining a group through meetup.com or taking a night-school class at the local high school.

The only limitation I am going to place on this is that I want to get involved in an activity where the male/female ratio does not work against me. I’ve been in competitive situations like that before and I don’t do well.

I remember an automotive class I signed up for years ago. There were at least 12 guys and only one female. She was 40ish, and very, very plain looking. She was not the type to get a second look by any guy in public. However, in this class, she was treated like a queen. It was like some big competition between the men in the class to see who could get her attention. Of course, the better looking, more outgoing guys seemed to garner most of the attention. That left me sitting in the sidelines.

It’s all to do with supply and demand. Human behavior is bizarre at times.

New strategy - not looking for a date

2006-11-25T08:50:00.000-05:00

“Do what you love, and the money will follow,” is some very sound, philosophical advice for entrepreneurs. It suggests that people stop trying so hard to get rich, and work at something they are passionate about. Do that well, and the money will follow.

There is a lot to be said for directing our efforts towards enjoying the journey instead of simply achieving the goal. While you should have a goal, the method you use to get there is equally important. Employing the “whatever it takes” approach, will not necessary guarantee success.

I’m sure this very idea can be applied to the dating world.

Asking women out, until one finally says yes, is a prime example of how one can easily become short-sighted. By playing the odds, you are almost certainly going to get a yes eventually, but at what cost? I personally couldn’t put myself through that much torture.

For a guy like me (not especially attractive) the “success through numbers” approach is painful and will probably not result in finding someone compatible anyway.

On the same note, continuing to lead my life “as is” will accomplish nothing. It’s obvious that this is not working for me and that I have to make an extra effort to meet women. Not to say that I need to start coming on to every person I meet - leering and lusting after women like some desperate, over-sexed pervert – but there has to be some middle-ground somewhere.

Nothing is as sad as desperation – and people pick up on this very easily. Yes, I hate to say it, but I’m sure that I come off as being desperate. What is the difference between that, and being forward? I would have to say looks and confidence. Unattractive guys come off as being needy, while good looking guys appear forward, and confident.

I’ve decided that, instead of trying so hard to meet someone, I might just start by trying to get out more and socialize. If this theory is right, then I should be able to attract someone by just being myself, getting out, and doing my own thing. The worst that can happen is that I make a few friends; and that’s not entirely bad.

If looks count, then what's left for me?

2006-11-22T13:58:00.000-05:00

Here’s a question I’ve asked myself time and time again: Where can I go to meet women? Online dating sites don’t seem to work for me, I can’t function in bars, I don’t have any friends that know women, and I don’t naturally attract people in public. Sure I can try approaching potential dates and making small talk, but again, since I’m not that attractive, I won’t make a good first impression.

Ok, I’m not being too hard on myself, I’m just facing facts. I can’t pretend that I’m someone I’m not and that everything will work itself out. I have to come to terms with things and accept myself before I can move on. It’s no big deal. This is the hand I was dealt, and this is all I have to work with.

Ok, so obviously, the direct approach doesn’t work for me – I can live with that. But does it mean that I have to resign myself to a life of solitude? Surely, there must be a better way to get out there and get a foot in the door. I’ve just got to find something that I’m comfortable with. Once the pressure is off, I should be fine.

I can function ok once I get to know a person. In fact, I’m convinced that the only way I will ever meet anyone, and have them interested in me, is if we meet under non-romantic circumstances first. Beauty is skin deep, as they say.

The dating sites have taught me a few valuable lessons – even though they were mostly negative. They taught me that a guy like me has got to work a little harder, and be a little more creative, when trying to meet women.

I created several profiles on many dating sites - some with my picture, and others without. I got no responses at all from the sites that had my pic. I did get a few responses from the sites that did not have my picture in the profile, but in every instance, the women I was messaging back and forth stopped communicating after I sent a photo. Hard truth, but at least I’m not fooling myself.

So the problem is that I can’t break through the physical appearance barrier. I’m finished before I even start. I need another approach – something less direct.

There has got to be a way to meet someone without the whole dating/relationship thing hanging over our heads. I need to meet women in a totally non-romantic setting – a setting where the idea of dating and hooking up would be far down the list.

I know this goes against the advice of many of the great dating gurus, but I’ve always thought that their techniques relied heavily upon one’s appearance.

No, the only way I’m ever going to meet anyone is to meet them in a non-romantic way first. I’m certain of that.

Getting out socially

2006-11-17T11:00:00.000-05:00

Bars and pickup spots are not my thing. Even if I do eventually get to the point where I feel comfortable, I still don’t think this is the best way to meet people. While there is a lot to be said for instant chemistry, I prefer to get to know people as well. There is so much more to a person than just physical appearance. Now, I’m not saying that you couldn’t meet the girl of your dreams in a nightclub. It’s just that, in my case, the odds would be slim.

The thing with noisy clubs is that physical appearance dominates the stage. Generally, the music is so loud that people have little else to work with. It’s not like you can start up a conversation and introduce yourself – shouting in someone’s ear is not my idea of a stimulating conversation. Without the ability to converse, physical appearances are vital. Having the right look can speak volumes without having to say a word. I know - I’ve seen it happen many times. Some guys just have the right look – a way to communicate effectively without saying anything.

Now, for me, that’s a different story. I don’t have the look. Well, I do have a look, but it’s not conducive to picking up women. Even if I were thin at this point, I still don’t think I would have what it takes to “work the floor.”

So what is the alternative for a guy like me? Well, I think exposure is the key. I need to get out more and make myself visible. Not necessarily with the intent to hit on women, but to simply mingle a little more on a social level.

Yes, I think I might be trying a little too hard. It’s been suggested by a few close friends that I try too hard. They stopped short of saying that I give out desperate vibes, but I read between the lines.

Isn’t it true that sometimes, the more you try, the harder it is to attract people – that goes for friends or romantic interests.

Some guys have great success with hitting directly on women because they have looks and confidence going for them. Although they are very forward, they don’t come off as being desperate. I, however, do come off as being desperate and it causes women to back off immediately. It’s human nature, I suppose.

So, I’m going to concentrate on simply getting out more and see what happens. In a way, it’s a relief not to have the usual “must meet women” mentality. The worse that could happen is that nothing happens, but at least I’m creating the opportunity. Sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself, pissed off at the hand I’ve been dealt, is not creating opportunity.

Let’s face it: The more I get out, the greater the chance that someone could walk into my life. And no, I’m not simply waiting for fate to throw someone into my arms, but I am waiting for a chance to meet and get to know someone.

2006-11-15T23:13:00.000-05:00

Things are improving. Well, appearance wise anyway. Since last Thursday, I have traded in my old glasses for a more stylish pair, got my first set of contacts, got a new haircut, and went shopping for some new clothes (with some help from my sister-in-law). I feel like a new man.

The new glasses are quite different. They are much smaller than the old ones and, personally, I think they make my eyes look too close together and beady. Now, the contacts will take some getting used to. I can only wear them for a few hours, then it feels like my eyes are full of grit – apparently, I’ll get used to them as my eyes adjust.

I only bought one new outfit because I’m losing weight at a fairly decent rate, and I don’t want to waste my money on clothes I’ll never wear.

Yesterday, I decided to put in the contacts and try on the new clothes. As I stood there in the mirror, no glasses, new haircut and fashionable clothes, I thought I looked pretty good - at least good enough not to have women running away, or laughing - maybe even decent enough to risk striking up a conversation. I mean, I’m still overweight, but I don’t look sloppy anymore. I look at least as good as any other average guy out there. My daily visit to the gym must be doing something. I’m sure I’m not imagining this.

Yes, I felt good. It took a little getting used to, but for once in my life, I wasn’t staring back at an overweight, textbook geek. I was actually pleased with my appearance. However, I do need to lose another 30 lbs.

Now comes the tough part – putting myself out there to see what happens. While I feel pretty good, I could also be kidding myself.

I’m apprehensive right now because I’m still overweight. I would love to be able to lose the weight first, but that would take a long time. Too long, actually - because the last thing I want to do right now is wait another 6 months until I reach my ideal weight. I’m going to have to chance it, and hope that my new image will be enough to get me through.

Primal attraction

2006-11-11T23:51:00.000-05:00

The results from the television experiment don’t surprise me. In fact, they don’t really even bother me that much. Why? Because, I have always known that humans are attracted to other good-looking humans. It’s hard-wired into us. It’s genetic.

I know that beating myself up because I’m not one of the beautiful people of the world, is a waste of time. I’m never going to change who I am, so why not make the best of it and improve the areas that I do have control over? Wishing I was someone else will not buy me anything.

The thing that surprised me, though, was the fact that good-looking people, in general, are treated better by the rest of society, without a second thought being given. And this goes much deeper than the obvious physical attraction between a man and a woman. I mean, I could handle the fact that a woman is not attracted to me, but if I were to be passed over for a promotion, or given lousy service based on my looks (the bar in this television show) – well that, I have a problem with.

Yet, I’m sure it goes on all around us – mostly low-key, yet still a reality. Hey, people may not even be aware of the fact that they are giving preferential treatment to someone based on some genetic, primal attraction – and, of course, giving lousy service to the poor shlubs of the world (me).

Oh well; as long as it’s not intentional – we know it’s hard to fight those primal urges.

A social experiment – analysis

2006-11-08T21:41:00.000-05:00

The television crew and the actors did a full evaluation of the social experiments they conducted. I believe there were 4 different scenes that they performed. In each case, the conclusion was that the better looking a person is, the nicer they are treated. They seemed to all agree that good-looking people could get away with more and always end up smelling like roses. People just seemed to want to be around these individuals.

Also, it wasn’t a matter of guy verses girl. As a matter of fact, they concluded that gender only made a slight difference in how people treated others. For example: A good looking guy was treated favorably by both males and females – and vice-versa.

The actors were interviewed a day later and it was quite interesting to hear what they had to say. The Brad Pitt look-alike was very interesting to listen to. He said that he was miserable during his short duration as an unattractive nobody. He was shocked at how cruel and unfeeling people could be. He then admitted that he took his appearance for granted and that he could not imagine never being able to switch back to one of the beautiful people.

Yeah, I felt so bad for him, having to endure that for an hour!

I often wonder what it would be like to have good looks and a winning personality. Well, in all honesty, I don’t think I have a bad personality; it’s just that I can’t get people to look past my appearance – sigh…

In any case, this experiment certainly spoke volumes about human behavior and how people are categorized by others. I always knew I was discriminated against because of my looks, but to see it in black-and-white like that really opened my eyes.

For someone in my circumstance, the situation is bleak. Sure I can lose weight, and make cosmetic changes, but the fact remains that I am still not one of the beautiful people of the world. I will never experience that preferential treatment.

But then again, that’s like saying that I’ll be depressed for the rest of my life because I’ll never be as rich as Bill Gates. That is not reasonable, and it’s ridiculous to get upset over it.

The only comfort I have is in the knowledge that the majority of humans are not gorgeous. Most of us “normal” folk are just average, and it’s the hand that was dealt to us. In my case, I have the opportunity to lose weight and fix up my physical appearance somewhat, but there is a limit to how much that will buy me.

So, I can continue feeling sorry for myself because I was not born beautiful, or I can accept things as they are and get on with life.

Do looks matter? A social experiment - Part 2

2006-11-05T11:04:00.000-05:00

Another segment of this documentary that really got me thinking was the scene at the bar.

They used two actors for this. The first was a Brad Pitt look-alike, and the other could have been mistaken for Jessica Simpson. In other words, he was a pretty boy, and she was flat-out gorgeous. They were both fitted with tiny cameras in the buttons of their clothing.

In the first scene, both people entered the lounge separately (about five minutes apart). Both actors made small talk with the doorman as they entered, and it was like they had known each other all their lives. He was equally friendly towards both people. They even shared a few laughs.

For the test, they had both actors sit at opposite ends of the room as they ordered drinks.

The servers were both good-looking young women, and the bartender was a twenty-something jock. Other than that, there were only a few customers in the place.

The male actor relaxed in his chair, looked confidently (bordering on cocky) around the bar and made eye contact with one of the waitresses. She came over and he started flirting with her right away. She was all smiles and giggles, and I’m sure he could have got her number at the drop of a hat.

The female actor was treated almost as well by the other waitresses – it was like they were sisters - just one big happy family.

In fact, both actors got exemplary service.

After about an hour, the male actor got up and approached the bartender. They engaged in a little small talk and a laugh, and then he asked the barkeep to bring a drink over to the young lady (actor #2). He smiled and gave him a wink. He brought it over; she smiled and raised her glass to actor #1. 10 minutes later, she went over to his table amidst smiles from the bar staff. And they lived happily ever after…

Now, a week later, the television crew prepared for the same routine, except that this time they made up the male to look a little less attractive. They gave him some body padding to simulate excess weight, added some latex to his face and scalp area to create a chubby face and receding hairline, gave him an overbite, and dressed him in the most awful outfit I’ve ever seen.

The female actor was different this time, because they didn’t want to skew the test results (the staff may have thought she went off with that handsome guy a few days ago). This woman might have been even better-looking than the previous, if that were at all possible.

They followed the same script as the last time. She entered first and then he entered about 5 minutes after.

She was greeted in a very predictable manner. From the flirtatious doorman to the smiling bartender, she was treated like a queen.

Now, this is where things started to go bad. As the guy walked up the steps, he was greeted by the doorman. Instead of a cheerful smile, the doorman looked him over and, with a gruff voice, said, “Hello sir,” as he held the door open for the actor. Keep in mind that he was only doing his job and nothing else. If there were a requirement to greet customers with a friendly smile, this guy would have failed miserably.

Upon entering the bar, the actor looked around and was greeted with curious looks from the staff. He sat down in the same chair and waited for someone to come over and take his order. He waited…and waited.

After a few minutes, a waitress came over, looked him up and down, and said, “What can I get you?” No smile. No flirting. No small talk. He gave her his order, she nodded and left without saying a word.

Throughout the meal, the guy was being ignored, while actor #2 enjoyed some nice friendly hospitality.

The icing on the cake came when actor #1 went to the bar and tried to strike up a conversation with the bartender. The barkeep was civil enough, but kept the conversation very professional.

When the guy asked him to bring the lady over a drink, he smiled (on the verge of laughing) and said, “I think you got your signals crossed, buddy. I don’t think that’s a good idea. He turned his back and walked away.

Actor #1 then went over to actor #2 and started talking to her. The doorman was there in 2 seconds and asked if the gentleman was bothering her.

Not wanting to upset everyone, she said no, and actor #1 went back to his table.

The waitress came over to actor#2 and started talking about how much nerve some people have. It was almost like she assumed the women would never go for a guy like that, and “how dare he approach a beautiful woman so much out of his league.”

Actor #1 had no further communication with anyone. His server asked if there was anything else then handed him the bill.

He left a few minutes later amidst stern looks from the bar staff.

Do looks matter? A social experiment - Part 1

2006-11-01T13:48:00.000-05:00

A few years ago, I was watching a documentary about a social experiment that featured several actors placing themselves in real public situations. First, as themselves (they were all good-looking and fit), and later with modifications made to their looks. These modifications included makeup to make them look less attractive. In some instances makeup combined with body padding was used to accomplish this.

I believe it was on a public television channel. Now, it’s been a few years, and some of the details may be sketchy, but there were two experiments that I still remember because they struck a chord with me.

The first one involved a gorgeous, fit woman trying to return an item to a retail store. The item was badly damaged and was almost certainly dropped. She was to ask for a refund from the returns desk. To make it interesting, she waited for a male counter-person to help her.

As she approached the counter in the first store, she was greeted by a middle aged guy with a big dorky grin on his face. She smiled and showed him the object. After a few minutes of flirting, she was handed her refund with smile. He told her that the pleasure was his and to have a nice day (the grin didn’t leave his face the whole time).

She then repeated the process at two other stores and got another “cheery” refund and one refusal. By the way, the refusal was from a female clerk.

Now, the same woman was made-up to look very unattractive. They fitted her with foam body panels that gave the impression that she was very overweight, added a mole and some wrinkles to her face, a latex nose and a wig. Her clothes were ill-fitting and out of style. There was no way that you could tell this was the same person.

The next day, they sent her to the same store to return an item that was legitimately defective (not just dropped). She waited for the same clerk and then approached the counter. He greeted her with a very bored, business like stare. He could not tell that this was the gorgeous female he had been talking to yesterday. She looked 20 years older and 60 lbs heavier. His comments were straight to the point and on the verge of being rude.

Even though the item was obviously defective, he proceeded to grill her with questions. She was eventually given a refund (he had no choice really) and instead of telling her to have a nice day, he simply walked away.

Even though she was an actor, you could see the look of disappointment at having been “rejected” by this individual as she exited the store.

They repeated the same test at the other two stores, and she was given the same treatment – except that the female clerk treated her in the same disinterested manner that she had before. In all three cases, she was given a refund simply because it was legitimate.

The next example was of a guy in a bar. I could definitely relate to this one. I’ll talk about that in my next post.

Finally, some progress

2006-10-28T09:07:00.000-04:00

The challenge is going slow. As I mentioned before, there is not much I can do to try and meet women (the nightclub episode is a prime example) until I take care of a few things. One is my weight, and the other is my finances. Fortunately, I have great news in both departments.

I have lost almost 10 lbs and at least one belt size. I feel pretty good because I’ve finally gotten to the point where I can physically feel a difference. And the reason that is so great is that I no longer have to rely on faith to fuel my determination. I am actually experiencing real-life results, and that is an awesome feeling. It’s given me a tremendous boost and I’m even more determined than ever to toughen up this soft, flabby exterior.

I’ve also started working part-time for an internet firm in Vancouver. I know what you’re thinking: I’m in Ontario. However, the job is all internet based. I am doing some programming work for them on a contract basis. It’s not full time, but it’s going to generate enough money until I can get a real job here. I’ve been blasting my resume to every company I can think of in the meantime.

Next on my hit list will be a visit to the optometrist to get rid of these awful “geek” glasses. Now, I don’t think wearing glasses is necessarily a bad thing, but they should at least be in style. I’ve been neglecting my looks for so long; it didn’t even occur to me how bad some things have gotten.

I’m thinking I will probably opt for contacts unless I see some glasses that really suit me. I’m sure they’ll do a double take over there when they see how out of date my glasses are.

The bar scene is not my scene

2006-10-24T20:48:00.000-04:00

Going to that club on Saturday night was a mistake. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’d been out to places like that with my brother in the past and pretty much had the same experience. So, what made me think that things would be any different this time around?

There are so many things working against a guy like me in a place like that. Where would I begin? I suppose if I were to sum it all up, I would have to say that I’m not the typical night-club patron. I don’t fit the profile.

Nightclubs are just one big competition, where looks count for everything, period. There is absolutely no way that a below average looking guy stands a chance. That’s pretty unfair, because there is a lot more to a person than looks. Some of us have wonderful personalities that are never discovered and shared by others because we cannot get our foot in the door.

Who says looks aren’t important?

While at the club, I spent a lot of time standing around, observing things. I got so good that I could tell what kind of reception a guy would get based on his looks and her looks. Amazingly, I was almost always dead on. Let’s face it, you have 2 seconds to make your impression, and quite often it’s based on your looks only. You don’t even have to say a word to be accepted or rejected.

The floor of a nightclub is just one big open market. It is a non-stop parade of people strutting their stuff in front of others, trying to get the attention of the best looking guy/girl in their looks category. Oh, and don’t ever think about making a move for someone outside of your category unless you thrive on humiliation.

The club is generally dominated by the best looking people in the crowd. They get all the attention (without even trying) and have their choice of partners. The fact that they won the genetic lottery by being born “good-looking” is envious. It’s not like they even had to work for it. And yes, I am jealous. I wish it was me - lucky bastards.

Sorry, this attitude is not helping.

My biggest complaint, though, is the volume level of the music in these places. I consider myself a pretty good conversationalist, and I’ve been told that I am interesting to listen to. I often wonder if things would be different without the music. If I had a chance to speak to people, would things be any different?

Who am I kidding? The expectations of many women in these clubs are out of this world and looks would still be the deciding factor.

Ok, now for the good news: Most of us don’t meet in clubs, and I am so thankful for that. If, in order to get a date, I had no choice but to compete in a nightclub with all the pretty boys of the world, I surely would be in trouble. I’d have to resign myself to the fact that I’d be alone for the rest of my life. Sad, but true.

Too much, too soon. A hard lesson learned

2006-10-22T15:06:00.000-04:00

Last night, I went out with two people from my previous workplace. I would consider them friends, even though we don’t get together very often. John and Albert are 28 and 30. They are both single and, I suppose one could say, very experienced at picking up women. We got to know each other after a weekend team-building workshop a few years back.

They are both aware of my difficulties with women, although we have never really sat down and talked about it (I guess that after a while these things are just obvious).
The thing is that they probably know it’s a sensitive topic for me and they don’t want to make me feel any worse than I already do.

We got to the club around 10pm and things were pretty busy. There was a lineup outside, however this was not one of those places where the bouncers only let in a certain “type.” There was a lineup because there were just too many people inside.

While waiting, I became very self-conscious as I looked around and noticed how much better everyone looked than me. It seemed that they all looked so much more attractive than I did - Everything from their clothes, to their hair, to their physique. Now, I don’t normally go around looking at guys, however, since the challenge started, I have been noticing others and comparing myself.

Once inside, the music was so loud that there was no way to have a conversation without yelling into someone’s ear. Right away, I was at a disadvantage because after conversation skills, I really have nothing that would interest a woman.

Damn, I wished that I could have done this in a few months - after the results of my exercise and diet started showing. I felt like a fish out of water. I didn’t belong there, and I’m sure many people thought the same. I decided to order a drink at the bar and kinda stand around, looking like I was enjoying myself.

Women were actually looking at me, but they were more curious, puzzled looks than anything - certainly not friendly or flirtatious. I went to the washroom to gain my composure.

Standing in front of the mirror, I looked like hell. My stomach threatened to burst the buttons of my short-sleeve dress shirt, my armpit sweat stains were highly visible, and my ill-fitting polyester pants were straining to hold everything in. What a joke! I couldn’t believe I was actually there.

Having lost my two friends hours ago (they could chat up any woman in the place, even with the music as loud as it was), I was ready to get the hell out of there. I didn’t dare approach any woman because I knew what the result would be – and this wasn’t a “lack of self-esteem” issue – this was a fact. I didn’t belong there – it was too soon – I wasn’t ready. I needed to regain my composure.

I left my beer on the counter and headed out the front door, walking towards the nearest bus-stop.

Diet and exercise :(

2006-10-18T20:23:00.000-04:00

Diets suck (badly). I love to eat. There’s no denying that. It’s one of the few pleasures I have in life, yet it’s solely responsible for the way I look today. I feel torn between instant pleasure now (food), and greater pleasure down the road (dating, girlfriend).

Food makes me happy and I’m torturing myself with this diet. All this for an end result that may, or may not, come. Yes, it’s possible that, even after all this, I’ll still be as undesirable as I am now (albeit a lot lighter).

But as tempting as it is to fall off the wagon, it is even more tempting to take a chance on what might be a happier life down the road. Without losing this extra weight, I’ll end up doing the same thing years from now, and being just as lonely. It’s not really a matter of having a choice – either I want a better lifestyle, or I don’t. If I do, then I’d better be prepared to put in the time and effort it’s going to take to succeed.

It’s just mind over matter and nothing more. I have a food addiction that I need to kick, and it’s as simple as that.

The other variable that I’ve been toying with is exercise. If I increase my exercise frequency and intensity, then I should be able to eat more. So I’m left to choose between not eating, and exercise. I think I might try to up the intensity of my exercise program.

Besides, I need to get rid of the “soft” look I’ve got going, and I’m not sure that diet on it’s own will accomplish that.

I’ve been dieting and exercising (weights and cycling) for a few weeks now, but I haven’t seen a huge difference - however, I do feel stronger and lighter on my feet. Maybe that’s the start of something great.

It’s too early to tell, but I’ll hang in there because there is nothing for me if I go back to the way things were.

The dough-boy look

2006-10-11T23:31:00.000-04:00

Losing weight is about the only constructive thing I can do right now. Well, the only thing that won’t cost money. I’ve been down to the library and it’s amazing how many diet books are out there. I’m going to follow one from a book written by a nutritionist that caught my eye. It seems sensible in that it promotes good food, but still has a variety of things to eat. In other words, it doesn’t eliminate fun foods, but has a little less of them.

Basically, it promotes a combination of good food, less quantity, and exercise - all the things I don’t like. But hey - I never said this was going to be easy. Besides, it’s a necessity. There is no way I’m going to ease my way into the dating world looking like this. I’m going to shoot for 30 lbs and see how things go. My book suggests that a healthy weight loss would be around 2-4 lbs a week - sounds doable.

I won’t bore you with the details of the diet, but I’m hoping that between eating less and exercising, I’ll make a dent in this dough-boy look I’ve got going on here.

The exercise part is pretty basic stuff. Things like walking, biking, and light weights. I’ll have to start walking before I try anything else because this body needs an adjustment period. To say that I’m out of shape is an understatement.

And that brings me to my next point. Have you ever noticed that soft, flabby, out-of-shape guys never get women? It’s one of the most noticeable things I witnessed in my two day social experiment. While watching people and couples, I noticed that even overweight guys with a manlier, muscular look got good looking women. What’s the difference between them and me - masculinity maybe?

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but somehow I feel less masculine than most guys. Even though I’m not a small, weak person, I’m horribly out of shape from years in front of the computer. Let’s just say that there is a difference between a 220 lb guy with a bit of muscle and a rugged look, and a 220lb guy that is soft, pudgy, and kinda pear-shaped. Who do you think will have a better chance at attracting women?

That is my motivation. I don’t want to be the guy that women feel repulsed by. I know there is someone worthwhile under all this – it’s just going to take some work to bring it out.

Money isn't everything, but it helps

2006-10-09T20:58:00.000-04:00

Getting a job has got to be one of the first things I do. Without money, I can’t make a move. I know I need to work on my appearance, but there is only so much I can do without the means to buy clothes and get new glasses or contacts, etc… Also, without money, it’s impossible for me to get out and socialize, or even ask anyone out.

Do I really need money? Is there any way that I might be able to pull this off without an income? Highly unlikely – I already have so many things working against me; I don’t have the luxury of not needing money.

Besides, I feel like I’m wasting my life and not progressing like others my own age. Some old school chums have gone on to become lawyers, accountants, and executives. I am ashamed of what I’ve done with my life so far, and it’s definitely not doing my self- esteem any favors.

Actually, I don’t know how I deteriorated to this point. Perhaps I’m suffering from depression and don’t realize it – or don’t want to acknowledge it.

But, it’s not like I have never had a job. In fact, I’ve got several years experience in computer systems. So I’m hoping that any potential employers will overlook the huge gap in my work history and hire me for my experience.

It’s funny how quickly society will condemn an unemployed person. I’m sure that my entire family thinks there is something really wrong with me. Also, I couldn’t imagine meeting a woman and asking her out, only to have her ditch me once she finds out I’m unemployed and live with my parents.

I need a job - badly.

Dating - perfectly matched couples

2006-10-06T17:24:00.000-04:00

Being an unemployed bum can have its advantages. For instance, I spent the entire day just watching people – couples, in particular. I didn’t go so far as to take a notepad (how much of a geek do you think I am? Don’t answer that), but, nevertheless, I still managed to take in a lot of info.

It’s surprising how much goes on around us that we don’t notice – unless we are specifically looking for it.

Among my observations, I noticed that most people seem well suited for each other. It’s as if everyone knows what “level” they’re at socially, and choose a partner from that group. It’s hard to explain, but after a while, I noticed that I could fully understand why certain people are together. I did not see any mismatched couples at all. It’s like we all know our place.

Take the example of a beautiful woman walking with her boyfriend. I could see why she was with him. He was just the “type” that would have a woman like this. She would never be seen walking around on the arm of someone like me – it’s like some unwritten rule – it simply would not happen.

Another guy I observed waiting for his wife at the exit to the mall seemed ok looking, but very plain. I made a bet with myself as to what his wife would look like. Well, she wasn’t exactly what I expected, but still very much within this guy’s range – I was spot on.

And it wasn’t just one thing about these people either - It was their entire makeup. Of course there were the facial looks and body physique, but it was also a thousand other things – things that make each of us unique. It made me realize that there is a lot going on here – more than we can imagine.

It’s a combination of everything that determines our desirability and places us in one class or the other. Our persona is the sum of every single one of these characteristics. Some of us are lucky enough to end up in the desirable range, and some are not.

Keep in mind; I’m speaking in generalizations here. There are many women that I find attractive that don’t fit society’s typical mold for desirability.

Suddenly, I realized it’s quite possible that people are constantly classifying others, whether they are aware of it or not. I also realized that we humans seem to have a gift for picking up on someone’s true self in very short order.

This was not looking good for me.

People watching

2006-10-05T11:06:00.000-04:00

I thought that a good way to begin my self-improvement endeavor would be to watch supposedly “successful” people operate. Who knows, maybe I can pick up a thing or two. At the very least, I should be able to get an idea of the best way to present myself.

The dating site experiment has served its purpose. At least I know where I am starting from. I suppose I knew all along that I would be starting in the basement, but there’s nothing like actually seeing it in real life.

I do have a list of things that I know I need to improve on, but I want to try this social experiment first. It’s funny how much goes on around us, and we don’t even notice. Observing others in public is no big deal. It’s something that is happening all the time – except now I plan to pay more attention.

So, starting today, I’m going to get out there and really observe what seems to work. I’ll start out with just a walk in the park, a visit to the mall, or a walk down Main Street. Later, I want to check out a local nightclub with a friend of mine.

Laying the ground-work

2006-10-04T18:51:00.000-04:00

Well, even though I haven’t been posting much in the last week or so, I have been busy laying more of the ground-work for the challenge. I think the hardest part was finding a starting point. Where do I improve – and what will give me the biggest bang for my buck?

Now, self-improvement can be a life-long journey. I would venture to say that I could spend the rest of my life in the quest for perfection. However, the reality is that I am limited by what God gave me, and by the amount of time available. In other words, I don’t want to turn this into an obsession. Besides, who among us is perfect anyway? It’s our faults and imperfections that make us unique human beings.

Now, having said all that, I really do have a lot of work to do in order to make myself presentable. Keep in mind here, I’m not out to compete with all the studs of the world in trying to land the best looking woman in town, because I know my limitations. I know that self-improvement will only go so far.

However, because I’m starting from nothing, there is a lot of room for improvement – a lot of easy, simple things that will go a long way.

Among these are:

• Dieting/Exercising

• Changing my wardrobe

• Getting a job

• Cosmetic (glasses, new haircut)

Did I mention a personality change? Well, that’s going to be the tough one.

More dating site results

2006-10-03T09:34:00.000-04:00

The results are finally in from the dating sites. If you don’t count the scammers (they are relentless), I got two genuine responses. That isn’t bad, really - considering the fact that most people will ignore you if you don’t fit their ideal profile.

The first response was from a 30 year-old “attached” woman that was just looking for friends. Wtf is that all about? Why would you be on a dating site “just looking for friends?” There are sites out there that specifically cater to people looking for friends.

The other response was from a very attractive 26 year old woman. She was kind enough, but told me in no uncertain terms that I was not her type and she wished me luck in my endeavors.

I also got the results back from the ratings sites. Let’s just say that I was in the bottom 20 percent. I could handle that, but are the cruel comments really necessary? It should bother me, but I’m used to it. I really wasn’t expecting anything more. I just wanted to be sure that I wasn’t being too hard on myself. The truth hurts, but it’s also an invaluable tool in establishing a realistic starting point.

The bottom line is that I got what I was after. The results are in and it’s not great. The positive thing is that there is only one way to go once you’ve hit rock-bottom, and that’s up.

I don’t anticipate any more responses – but you never know…

What creates desire?

2006-09-27T11:36:00.000-04:00

Writing this blog reminded me of something I heard years ago - the advice came from a friend of my brother. This guy was, and always had been, a ladies man. He seemed to have an unlimited amount of charm and an endless number of prospects.

After finishing off a bottle of single-malt scotch one night, we started talking about our theories on women. His experience was that the secret to attracting women and creating desire is to have something that they want. After all, if they don’t want it, nothing in this world is ever going to change that.

At the time, I dismissed it as drunken rambling, but looking back now, I should have taken the time to understand what he was really saying. Yes, he may have been drunk, but he still got 10 times the amount of women the rest of us did. I should have listened, because he, in fact, was walking the walk and talking the talk.

Looking back, I think I can now appreciate what it was he meant. He was saying that there has to be something about the other person that creates an attraction - there must be something they want (Duh…). Ok, yes that’s fairly obvious, but isn’t it funny how many of us miss that critical bit of the puzzle?

In all honesty, you could be the nicest guy in the world, but unless you have something that she desires, there is no hope of ever creating any attraction.

What creates desire? Isn’t that the million dollar question? If I knew that, then I would be further ahead than most guys out there.

Taking a few steps back

2006-09-26T08:42:00.000-04:00

So, I spent the weekend thinking about the best way to approach my problem and the challenge. I brainstormed a whole whack of ideas and strategies, but as it turned out, I was too busy looking for the quick and easy solution, while the obvious starting point was staring me in the face. It was me – I needed to start working on my own self-improvement.

Most methods, strategies, tips, tricks, are superficial anyway. Maybe some of it works, I don’t know. But even so, having the best technique doesn’t mean a thing to someone that is unable to use it properly. The smoothest pickup lines in the world won’t do me a bit of good because I’m still me.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that my problems run deeper than simply not being able to hook up with women. I think I need to address a much larger issue – one that centers on my own self-esteem, confidence and personality issues.

The truth is that dating is really only a very small part of a larger picture. The reality is that I seem to put off people in general. That would account for having only one good friend. This is, indeed, a sad realization to arrive at.

Ok, well if that’s what it’s going to take to get started, let’s just forget about women and dating for a moment and take a few steps back.

Meeting women - a numbers game?

2006-09-23T08:16:00.000-04:00

A good friend of mine once suggested that the problem was not with me, but with the women I approached. Well, that and my low attempt rate. He suggested using the “success through numbers” theory where I would literally try to start a conversation with every woman I saw. He reasoned that the law of averages would be on my side, if nothing else.

Well, all I can say is that, in my case, playing the odds didn’t make much difference – I just got rejected more often. Needless to say, my self-esteem couldn’t take that for very long.

Things haven’t changed much since then. I still get rejected by almost every woman I attempt to talk to. Some are polite about it, and some a little more abrupt, but in the end it amounts to the same thing – rejection.

I think my problems go a little deeper than that. Throwing myself at women I meet is not the answer. I think I need to concentrate on the quality of my attempts and not quantity.

While some guys do have success with sheer numbers, I’ll bet they have more going for them than I do.

An offer I "can" refuse

2006-09-21T07:57:00.000-04:00

Well, I’ve decided that I’m not going to get caught up in the negative feedback I’m getting from the dating sites. By the way, I received a great offer on one of those sites. It seems that there is this heiress overseas that is trying to make it to the US so she can gain access to a lost family fortune. All I have to do is front her the money to get over here, and she will split the proceeds with me. Oh, and she will also become my faithful life-long companion, if I so choose. How can I go wrong?

Sorry baby, I’m broke.

On a more serious note, I’m going through all my options and trying to figure out the best way to start this challenge. I’m already a week into it and I feel like I’ve done nothing. Well, that’s not entirely true, I did do a little homework with the dating sites, so I at least know where I’m starting.

And where am I starting? Rock bottom, that’s where.

The results are in (some, anyway)

2006-09-20T13:42:00.000-04:00

As promised, here are the results of the dating sites and rating sites I posted my profile to a few days ago. The bottom line is not great. I keep reminding myself that it’s only been a few days, so things might improve.

I posted my profile on 12 different dating sites (fortunately, there are a lot out there). These are free sites that provide members with full access. I posted my photo with each submission, along with a fairly detailed and well-written bio. I did not lie or exaggerate on any profiles (although the urge was there). I needed to have genuine information in my details because I need honest feedback.

As far as the rating sites go, 8 of the dating sites had a rating system. Additionally, I submitted my pic to three “rating only” sites.

I also contacted three women – all had pictures, and all very different from one another.

The first was very good-looking with a well-written bio. The second was extremely good-looking (way, way out of my league) and had a poor description and bio (lots of spelling mistakes and each paragraph started with, “and like…”). The third was not very attractive, but had a great bio and seemed very intelligent.

I sent the same message to each. It was along the lines of: “Hi, I’m Dan. Your profile caught my eye…”

Here are the results so far:

I got zero inquires from people that wanted to know more about me. I heard back from one woman I sent a message to. It was the beautiful one with the badly written bio. Three words: “you’re kidding, right?” Then she proceeded to block me.

Lastly, I received a few ratings from the “hot-or-not” sites. All three sites rated me very low (although one only had a single respondent). There were also a few comments. One guy said, “Dude, are you kidding?” I assume it was a guy anyway. The other comment sounded like it was from some schoolgirl and it said, “ewww.” The last comment was simply a laughing happy face (that was actually from a dating site with a rating system).

Anyway, I feel like sh*t, so enough for today.

It's worse than I thought

2006-09-19T11:40:00.000-04:00

While I’m waiting for the results to come back from the dating sites, I thought I would give a little more thought as to other preliminary work that needs to be done. I made a list of my obvious shortcomings and ways that I could improve things. Here they are in no particular order:

Problem 1-
My physical appearance is horrendous. I mean, I’m literally a train-wreck. I’m at least 50 lbs overweight, I’m badly out of shape, my glasses are circa 1990 (just as the large diameter lenses where being phased out), I’ve had the same haircut for 20 years, I have a perspiration/odor problem due to my weight, and I’m almost completely bald.

Problem 2-
I have low self-esteem and zero confidence.

Problem 3-
I have no communication skills whatsoever. I can’t handle even the simplest conversation, let alone perform well on a date. I can talk about computers and high-tech topics all day, but when it comes to everyday conversation, I’m lost. I’m only capable of boring people to death with one of my techy monologs. I always come off as being a know-it-all, even though I try not to be. I suppose I’m trying to make up for the fact that I’m a loser in every other area of my life. This generally turns people off.

Problem 4-
I have no social graces, I don’t know how to conduct myself properly in most social settings, I have no table manners (actually no manners period), and I lack the skills required to function on a date (i.e. knowledge of food, wine, proper restaurant etiquette). I’m also lacking in other social abilities such as dancing skills (I can’t, nor will I try to dance) etc…

Problem 5-
I’m flat broke, unemployed, and live with my mother.

Problem 6-
I have no friends. Well, maybe one, but no friends that would enable me to get out and meet new people. My one friend is in the same situation that I am.

Wow, there’s too much to talk about in one post so I’ll likely take one problem per day and talk about solutions in upcoming entries.

A real evaluation

2006-09-18T16:31:00.000-04:00

Having a plan is a good thing. When I started this blog, I didn’t have one. Sure, I knew basically what I wanted to do, but no thought had really gone into how I would implement the challenge.

So, I spent the last few days thinking about things. I thought of different ways to “get out there” and make things happen. I also gave a lot of consideration to my abilities and how thick-skinned I need to be to accomplish a lot of it.

I figured that the first thing I would do is take inventory. I assume that I have nothing of any value as far as personality and looks, but I need to hear it from others. Who knows, maybe I’m being too hard on myself.

Why would I intentionally humiliate myself like that? Well, the truth hurts, but as painful as it may be, it’s necessary. I need to know exactly what I have to work with and where I’ll be starting from.

Asking family and friends for their opinion is one option, but I don’t think I’ll get the honesty I need here. No, what I really need is the stark truth from as many people as possible - the more, the better. That’s why I’ve started by posting my picture and profile on several dating sites that have a rating system. I also posted my pic on the “Hot or Not” website.

That was yesterday – I’ll give it a few more days before I look at the results. To add insult to injury, I also wrote to a few good-looking women on these dating sites. Nothing major, just a friendly “Hi – how are you? My name is Dan…”

I feel it’s important to include a photo because I need a full evaluation and that can only be achieved by providing as much information as possible.

I really dread the responses. I can tell you now that it’s going to be bad. Just how bad, we’ll have to wait and see.

Nothing to lose

2006-09-13T17:20:00.000-04:00

If you’re wondering why I intend to go through with this and what ultimately led me to this course of action, then read along…

Basically, I’m at the end of my rope, so to speak. I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I can see nothing changing in the next 20+ years. What I have been doing up until now is not working, so there is no reason to believe that anything will change unless I deliberately change it.

By the way, my love-life is not the only area that is hurting right now, but it is one that is constantly on my mind. I actually think I could live with very little else, as long as I had someone to share it with.

I’m at the point now where I have nothing to lose. There is no way I could sink any lower. I’m not saying this because I feel sorry for myself, or want sympathy from people; I am simply stating a fact.

It’s amazing what is possible when a person is pushed to the limit – when all hope is lost and there is nothing to lose. When you can say, “I don’t give a f**k” (and really mean it), endless possibilities open up because you have nothing to protect anymore.

That’s where I am right now. My resolve and determination are only over-shadowed by my willingness to publicly humiliate myself. Because that’s what it’s going to take – a willingness to do whatever it takes to reach my goal.

Do I want to humiliate myself? No, of coarse not, however, I will, if that’s what it takes.

So, that’s about it in a nutshell -nothing extraordinary, just a guy that has had enough. A guy that’s tired of being a nobody, excluded, and lonely - Someone that is tired of taking a back-seat and forced to live in the background of society while everyone else carries on with their wonderful lives.

Ok, ok, maybe that’s a little too dramatic, but you get the point.

About Me

2006-09-11T19:52:00.002-04:00

Hi, my name’s Dan. I originally started this blog around the summer of 06 as a way to log my daily progress as I worked towards the goal of getting a girlfriend by Sept 07 (about 1 year). The goal was to get a fulltime girlfriend within one year. Man, talk about lame.

Looking back now, I realize how naïve I was about how the real world worked when it came to women and dating. Yet, that was me: Mr. naïve. I was 32 years old, a virgin, I had no job, I lived with my parents, and I had no prospects in terms of my career or my love life. Some might have branded me a loser (heh).

The good news is that I’m no longer that person. I’ve made some major improvements in my life and I now date different women on a regular basis. I always thought that what I was missing was a fulltime girlfriend – I couldn’t have been more wrong.

It’s now 2008 and I’m doing more with my life than I could have imagined – especially in the dating area. I don’t claim to have all the answers to attracting and dating women, but I have learned a few techniques that work wonders (well, more than a few) – and I am dedicating this blog to talking about them.

I suppose what I’m really saying is that if I can do it, anyone can do it. I truly mean that. Look, I was a pathetic loser in every sense of the word. Women cringed when I came near. They all looked at me like I had some kind of disease and treated me like something stuck to their shoe. I’m not proud of who I was back then, but I’m thankful I got up off my ass and did something about it.

Anyway, here is the unedited version of “About Me” written in 2006 – just as I started this blog. You might find it amusing – I know I do!

From 2006

The purpose of this blog is to document my day-to-day activities as I strive for an almost impossible goal: Getting a girlfriend within the period of one year.

You may ask what the big deal is, but if you read on, I’ll try to explain.

My name is Dan, and as incredibly strange as that sounds, I’ve decided to start a blog that will document the progress of someone who has almost never dated, still a virgin, and definitely does not attract women. In fact, I repel women.

I can count the number of dates I've had in my life on one hand. And they haven't been good dates either - total disasters, in fact.

I don’t date because:

1. I don’t attract women.
2. I have zero confidence and low self-esteem
3. I get extremely nervous in the presence of women I’m attracted to.
4. I’m overweight at 5’9 and 220 lbs.
5. I’m not good-looking.
6. I live with my parents
7. I’m unemployed
8. I have few friends
9. I’m not motivated to try

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that I’m 32 years old. So I suppose you could say that I’m a little behind the eight-ball in the dating department.

Ok, having said all that, I still believe there is hope for me – otherwise I wouldn’t be doing this.

On the positive side, there is only one way to go from here, and that’s up. The way things are at the moment, there is no way that I could be in worse shape. I’m starting with nothing and I’m hoping that by September 2007, I’ll have had a few dates and hopefully a permanent girlfriend.